Sunday, February 9, 2014

Figaro - Third Act - First Narration - Draft 1

First Narration:

Before we begin again, we’d like to pause for a moment for a word from our sponsors.

(piano plays “Hat man nicht auch Gold beineben” from Beethvoen’s Fidelio)

Are you worried about your opera loving parent or grandparent? Are you concerned that they have to spend their remaining years in a world which has no memory of Maria Callas or Milton Cross? This month, a special rest home for opera loving seniors opens in Station North on the site of the old Everyman Theater and the Chicken Box called Fidelio Nursing and Assisted Living Center. With every new deposit of an opera loving old person into our state of the art facility, you get a free recording of Pavarotti’s final crossover album which he taped with Miley Cyrus on his deathbed, and a free t-shirt for every new inpatient which says “Kiss Me, I’m Incontinent.” Fidelio Nursing and Assisted Living Center - We Care So You Don’t Have To.

And while we’re waiting for Act III to begin, we thought we might take you backstage and interview a performer or two. Firstly, let’s talk to our Barberina, Abigail Seaman.

“It’s great to be here Mr. Narrator”

“Thank you Abby. So in this opera you’re obviously in the vocal special teams division. You have to wait backstage for hours before you come out and sing a few lines of dialogue and a small aria. Obviously you can’t warm up backstage or talk on your i-phone, and it’s too noisy here to concentrate on a book or the internet. So what do you do back there all this time? What do you think about?”

“Well Mr. Narrator, I mostly try to oscilate between panic and enjoying the music. But usually there are two things I think about most:  what internet giff I’m going to make tonight and prepping myself for the binge drinking that’s inevitably going to follow this performance.”

(awkward pause) “...Well, it appears we’re out of time. (nudges Abby off the stage) Thank you so much for taking a moment out of your busy schedule to talk to us. …

Our next interview is with a very, very special guest, making his first ever American appearance, and first appearance on any continent in more than two-hundred twenty-two years. None other than the Master Composer himself, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

“Guten Abend Herr Erzaehler.”

Maestro Mozart, I’m sure there are many different questions this audience would like to ask you. But as it turns out, you weren’t buried in an unmarked grave. That was a story you told so that you could freeze yourself cryogenically with instructions to be thawed during an era when nobody remembers your music.

“Ja, richtig.”

Well Herr Mozart, we’ll leave aside the logical inconsistencies because I know that you have tickets for a Dan Deacon show later tonight. So of all the questions I could ask you, I’m sure that there’s one which people would most want me to ask, and that is how you became so inspired to write such amazing music. Where did your inspiration come from?

“Ja ja. Sehr schnell. Zer ver many verry influential forces in my life. But, ze very greatest inspiration I alvays had vas from, definitely, ze large-breasted vomen.” (walks off)

Insightful commentary from the master himself. I’ve gotten the signal that we’re ready to begin again. We begin our in the Count’s chambers.

(Enter Susanna, piano plays Rondo alla Turca)

The Count is sitting alone and as always, his victories over life bring this dangerous rake no happiness. He may have triumphed over Figaro, but he has no idea how he did, and like the rest of us, he’s very, very confused. But in comes Susanna, and she is utterly despondent - on the verge of her would-be husband being trapped by a loveless marriage to someone else. Is she willing to do anything to ensure that she can marry Figaro?

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