Aunt: (through sobs to everybody) Why didn't you tell me they were coming into town?
Uncle: Your son wanted to keep this a secret.
Aunt: You all knew?
(Everybody awkwardly nods their heads)
Aunt: (suddenly angry at them all) How could you keep this a secret from me???
Uncle: What? Are you not happy your children are here?
Aunt: If I knew they were coming into town I'd have gotten ready for them!
Uncle: What do you need to do to get ready? Just make their beds and we'll make them lunch tomorrow!
Aunt: They don't know where we put the bedsheets now!
Cousin 2: Relax Mom, we've been able to make our beds for a quarter-century.
Aunt: We redid the entire house last year and I've been dreaming about showing it to you the whole time. Now it's a mess!
Cousin 1: I'm sure it's gorgeous.
Aunt: All we have in the fridge is leftover chicken!
Cousin 1: We'll buy something tomorrow morning.
Cousin 5 (entering): No you won't. It's Shabbos.
Cousin 2: (looks over to Cousin 5) Abba (Dad) warned me about you. Come over here.
(Cousin 5 goes over to hug her sisters, hugs Cousin 2 first)
Cousin 2: I love your skirt!
Cousin 5: Thanks!
Cousin 2: The Charedi girls in Israel don't look nearly this beautiful.
Cousin 5: (disappointed) Oh... (unconsciously puts her hands over herself to cover herself up)
Cousin 1: Don't worry, you still look plenty tzniyustic (modest).
Cousin 5: Aw... thanks! (hugs Cousin 1. Within a second of when they go in for a hug, Cousin 1 pulls back, suddenly quite nauseous.) Excuse me, I have to head to the bathroom... (runs out of room)
Dad (jokingly): Oh don't tell me she's pregnant. (long awkward pause)
Son 1: Well shit...
Cousin 3: None of you were supposed to know until Sunday so when she announces it, act surprised.
Son 1: Who's the father?
Cousin 3: (immediately, so that no speculation starts) The new guy.
Son 2: Who's the new guy?
Uncle: (with a slight hint of pride) Another doctor at the hospital.
Son 1: (chuckling with barely contained relish) He's divorced with grown up kids.
Dad: Her fiancee has grayer hair than any of us. When she brought him here over Labor Day I figured it was to set him up with her grandmother.
Son 1: Well, speaking of the fact that he's old,... not that that I care but is he...
Uncle: (interrupting) He's converting.
Son 1: No, I know that, I mean, is he... (makes a motion as though it's obvious)
Uncle: I don't understand.
(this time Son 1 makes a scissor motion, Uncle buries head in hands)
Aunt: You know, I never asked... Do you know? (turns to Cousin 2)
Cousin 2: She never mentioned one way or the other.
Dad: Well this is probably something you're going to need to know.
Mom: (irritated at Dad) You don't need to know anything.
Son 1: But don't you want to find out?
Son 2: I know I do.
Mom: Don't ask her. Please.
Cousin 1: (enters) What do you want to ask me? Whether I'm pregnant?
(nervous laughter all around except for Son 1)
Son 1: No, actually we figured that out about a minute ago. What we want to know is whether your new boy is...
Cousin 1: Jewish? No, he told me he was interested in converting before we even started dating.
Son 1: No, not Jewish. Is he...
Cousin 1: Black? Yes, you know that, so what?
Son 1: No not that either. Is he?...
Cousin 1: Is he?...
Son 1: Is he?...
(Cousin 1 looks at him as though to say 'I don't understand, say it out loud...)
Son 1: (exasperated so just saying it) Has he had his dick cut?!
Cousin 1: Oh! No, he actually hasn't.
Son 2: Ew. You're not going to make him go through with that are you?
Cousin 1: Brisses are different for adults.
Son 2: Do we castrate the adults?
Cousin 1: No, they just take a needle and prick it like a blood test so a few drops of blood come out like a blood test.
(collective gasps and exclamations)
Son 2: (loud enough to be over the din) That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!
Cousin 1: He's a surgeon. He does worse all the time!
Son 2: How can you all be OK with a religion that sees newborn boys and feels the urge to mutilate their penises?
(more collective gasps and exclamations)
Dad: (loud enough to be over the din) Why are you so hostile to everything we do?
Son 2: Why are you so hostile to the idea that maybe we shouldn't sever the genitals of defenseless babies?
(the daughters leave the room with their mother)
Uncle: (as though he's been waiting the whole time for the chance to strike back) And how can you be OK with supporting a religion that severs the genitals of girls when they're already teenagers?
Son 2: It's not the whole religion, it's just a small part of it.
Uncle: It's not that small.
Son 2: You can't paint all of Islam like that.
Uncle: Why not? They do it to us!
Son 2: So you should just be as bad as they are?
Uncle: There's no way we could ever be as bad as they are!
Son 2: Well what do we do? We stick a million of them in a piece of land smaller than Manhattan. How is that not like the ghettos?
(Mom's and Uncle's lines at the same time)
Uncle: Don't you dare use that word to compare us to that.
Mom: How can you be so hateful to your own people?
Son 2: (To Mom) Because it's my people doing these things!
Uncle: Oh, so we're only your people when you get to criticize us?
Son 2: You criticize me all the time, and I'm your people!
Uncle: That's because you want your own people to die!
Son 2: Ah, you see?! There it is! Just because I want peace I'm no different than people who want to butcher women and commit genocide!
Dad: Oh, so you admit that they want to commit genocide?
Son 2: Well after what we've done to them, who can blame them?
(exclamations of exasperation all around from Mom, Dad, Uncle)
Son 1: Alright, this whole fight is bullshit. I'm going to the other room.
Mom: Can you call your cousins back in here when you go?
Son 1: I want to talk to them!
Mom: They still haven't said hello to their father.
Son 1: Why's that my responsibility? He's foaming at the mouth right now about his nephew riding a Hezbollah rocket into Tel Aviv.
Uncle: (suddenly realizing how badly he lost it) No,... no, I'm done. Can you call them in?
Son 1: I don't think I need to...
(enter all three daughters...)
Daughter 1: Is everything alright in here?