Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Untitled Play Scene 5 - Part 1

(In Walk Cousins 1 and 2, older daughters of Uncle and Aunt. Cousin 1, 30, is rail thin and her dark hair is beginning to have grey highlights. Cousin 2, 28, is a bit thicker-set, but physically fit and tan from nearly ten years living in Israel. Aunt sees her daughters and literally breaks down weeping. Everybody else laughs. They come up to their mother and hug her from either side.)

Uncle: Your son wanted to keep this a secret.

Aunt: (suddenly angry at them both) How could you keep this a secret from me???

Uncle: What? Are you not happy that your daughters are here?

Aunt: If I knew they were coming into town I'd have gotten ready for them!

Uncle: What do you need to do to get ready? Just make their beds and we'll make them lunch tomorrow!

Aunt: They don't know where we put the bedsheets now!

Cousin 2: Relax Mom, we've been able to make our beds for a quarter-century.

Aunt: We redid the entire house last year and I've been dreaming about showing it to you the whole time. Now it's a mess!

Cousin 1: I'm sure it's gorgeous.

Aunt: All we have in the fridge is leftover chicken!

Cousin 1: We'll buy something tomorrow morning.

Cousin 5 (entering): No you won't. It's Shabbos.

Cousin 2: (looks over to Cousin 5) Abba (Dad) warned me about you. Come over here.

(Cousin 5 goes over to hug her sisters, hugs Cousin 2 first) 

Cousin 2: I love your skirt!

Cousin 5: Thanks!

Cousin 2: The Charedi girls in Israel don't look nearly this beautiful.

Cousin 5: (disappointed) Oh... (unconsciously puts her hands over herself to cover herself up) 

Cousin 1: Don't worry, you still look plenty tzniyustic (modest).

Cousin 5: Aw... thanks! (hugs Cousin 1. Within a second of when they go in for a hug, Cousin 1 pulls back, suddenly quite nauseous.) Excuse me, I have to head to the bathroom... (runs out of room)

Dad (jokingly): Oh don't tell me she's pregnant. (long awkward pause) 

Son 1: Well shit...

Cousin 3: None of you were supposed to know until Sunday so when she announces it, act surprised.

Son 1: Who's the father?

Cousin 3: (immediately, so that no speculation starts) The new guy.

Son 2: Who's the new guy?

Uncle: (with a slight hint of pride) Another doctor at the hospital.

Son 1: (relishing) He's divorced with grown up kids.

Dad: Her fiancee has grayer hair than any of us. When she brought him here over Labor Day I figured it was to set him up with her grandmother.

Son 2: Well, not that I care but is he...

Uncle: (interrupting) He's converting.

Son 1: No, I know that, I mean, is he... (makes a motion as though it's obvious)

Uncle: I don't understand.

(this time Son 1 makes a scissor motion)

Aunt: You know, I never asked... Do you know? (turns to Cousin 2)

Cousin 2: She never mentioned that.

Dad: Well this is probably something you're going to need to know.

Mom: (irritated) You don't need to know anything.

Son 2: But don't you want to find out?

Son 1: I know I do.

Mom: Don't ask her. Please.

Cousin 1: (enters) What do you want to ask me? Whether I'm pregnant?

(nervous laughter all around except for Son 1)
      Son 1: No actually we figured that out about a minute ago. What we want to know is whether your new boy is...

Cousin 1: Jewish? No, he's converting.

Son 1: No, not Jewish. Is he...

Cousin 1: Is he?...

Son 1: Is he?...

(Cousin 1 looks at him as though to say 'I don't understand, say it out loud...) 

Son 2: Brissed out.

Cousin 1: Oh! No, he actually isn't.

Son 2: Ew. You're not going to make him go through with that are you?

Cousin 1: Brisses are different for adults.

Son 2: Is it chemical castration?

Cousin 1: No, they just take a needle and prick it so a drop of blood comes out.

(some kind of physical schtik so that the men at the table are all shown to be uncomfortable)

Cousin 1: He's a surgeon! He does worse all the time.

Dad: Oy. Well I gotta hand it to you. First you trap your goyfriend with a baby, then you make him hack his putz. This guy must be really crazy for you.

Cousin 1: He's fantastic.

Son 2: He's certainly a handsome older guy.

Cousin 1: I'm glad you think so. Your approval on that means a lot.

Son 2: Really? Did you hear that apparently I'm gay now?

Cousin 1: I didn't need to. I've known since you were seven.

Son 2: You did? Well I wish you'd said something to me.

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