At the Table: Very Rough Draft

Shabbos in Hebron: 

5 year old sings: Hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. We give thanks to God for bread. Our voices rise in song together. As our joyful prayer is said. Baruch atah adonai, eloheinu melech ha'olam, hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. Amen. 

The whole table claps for him. 

"Yair that was wonderful!" "Amazing." "So cute." "The most amazing thing!" "You should do it for Yehoshua himself." "He'd probably kill him too." "Ehud!" "What? That's where we are now." "Yehoshua is not a rotzeach!" "Murder doesn't mean anything if Yehoshua is not a murderer." "We're Jews! He kills THEM, not us." "So you admit he kills others." "They would kill us if he didn't kill them." "They're gonna kill us BECAUSE we kill them." "It's self-defense. Do you really think the Canaanites would do better to us?" "They don't do better because we started this!" "We didn't start kloom!" "We come to them and first we commit genocide on two separate cities." "WE DIDN'T COMMIT GENOCIDE!" "We killed them all!" "They were going to kill us!" "They have a right to, this is their land, not ours." "OK, so we should just lay down and die so they can have their land?" "No, we should negotiate with them!" "How can you negotiate with terrorists?" "They're not terrorists, they're defending their land." "How can you say that?" "What? We were gone for hundreds of years and still we have a claim to it?" "Shamgar!" "We eject them from Yericho, we eject them from Chevron, and you think they don't have a claim." "Well if you think they should be here instead of us, what are you doing here?" "You're the one who invited me." "You think they want peace? I saw them at Ai! I saw them at Gibeon! These are killers." "Most of them want peace." "Most of them? Where are they?" "Have you ever talked to them?" "Of course! I talk to them every day." "Do they seem like killers to you?" "No, but they fought at Ai and Gibeon too." "So don't you think they think differently now that we're here?" "No!" "Why not?" "Well I don't feel differently about them now that we're here." "So you admit you're a racist!" "How can you say that!" "Abdon when did you start sounding like an antisemite?"  "What's an antisemite?" "Just eat your food Yair." "I'm not an antisemite, I just got an education." "You see? Academia's full of propaganda!" "Come on Tola, his heart is in the right place." "What right place? He's a traitor to his people." "Ibzan!" "So you want to put him to death?" "He wants us to die. Put him in Hazor, see if he lasts five minutes." "He doesn't want us to die." "YOU're the one who wants us to die!" "Ben-Zona..." "Oy vavoy." "Shamgar can we please talk about something else?" "What is there else? This is our matzav! You either understand it or you don't." "I understand it! Scratch the surface of a Canaanite and you'll find a bloodthirst...." "These are our neighbors you're talking about!" "Hen, and our neighbors want to kill us." "We didn't want this war Ehud!" "B'vadai! Of course we did!" "We want to live in peace!" "I don't want to live in peace." "You see?" "They want to kill me? I want to kill them!" "But we invaded their land!" "This is OUR land!" "That's what the propaganda tells you." "You're the one who's full of propaganda!" 

Pesach:

"This humus is fantastic." "It goes so well with the matzoh!" "Some Jews think we shouldn't eat chickpeas on Pesach." "Why?" "Because they're meshuggah!" "B'chol tzorah, what I was saying Elazar before I was interrupted is that we entered the alliance with the Gibeonites because they said they weren't Amorites, but they tricked us." "So we had to make slaves out of them?" "Sheket Korach!" "We didn't have to lynch their kings on trees!" "They settled in our land!" "Land we stole from them!" "Land we bought from them! And then we let them live on it." "We only let them live if they become slaves!" "Tov, so they shouldn't have lived there." "They had to live there! It was the only way to see if we were going to attack them." "Oh, so it's b'seder for them to build settlements in our land but not for us to build settlements in what you claim is theirs?" "We DID attack them!" "We attacked them because they built settlements!" "We were the original settlers, they just did what we did!" "What did we do? This is our land and we're living on it!" "It's their land too!" "Why even say that Korach, it's only their land!" "It's only OUR land." "It's our land and if we don't defend it they'll kill us!" "Even if they didn't kill us it's only our land. Hashem promised it to us and we have the right to have all of it!" "So you think we should just kill everybody?" "Why not?" "And you don't think somebody's going to kill us for the same self-defense?" "Who wants shakshukah?"  

Shavuot: 

"Pass the burekahs." "I look forward to this all year. Don't you Yair?" "They go into our settlements and they just pick us off, one by one." "They do it because we do it to them!" "Oh for Hashem's sake we're trying to eat here." "We have to, it's the only language they understand!" "It's the reason they do it to us!" "They would do it anyway, and more!" "Pass the blintzes..." 

Sukkot: 

"Israel would not be able to do what it does without Hashem's help." "We built this country. Not Hashem." "Yahweh stopped the sun and the moon in the middle of a battle!" "It was a solar eclipse! Lo?" "Nu? A solar eclipse just happens in the middle of a battle?" "Why not?" "He made hailstones fall!" "Kach? I was there, I slipped on the hailstones. I have a bad back now." "This was a miracle!" "Don't be a freyer. Hashem doesn't care what we do." "Hashem wouldn't like what we do in his name." "HE LITERALLY TOLD US TO ANNIHILATE THEM!" "That's what Yehoshua said Hashem said." "A coalition of armies from all over the Middle East invade us, and you think Hashem is ashamed of us defending ourselves?" "He said not to kill." "He said to kill in this case." "What case? He said this is our land and to take it!" "The prophets told us this is our land, not Hashem." "Lachen you think you talk to Hashem better than the prophets?" "I know Hashem doesn't want us to do a preemptive strike on them." "They were literally sending every army in the Middle East to kill us!" "Who wants sheva minim salad?" "I fucking hate sheva minim salad."