Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Review Dump 2 - non classical music edition

The Conversation - Charles Theater - September 19th

The Conversation, the immortal movie made by Francis Ford Coppola between his two immortal Godfather movies, is the essential Coppola movie for right now. The original Godfather was essential for the period when it was made and the world longed to return to traditional values of family and ethnicity, on the cusp of forgetting the authoritarianism made the first world divorce such values in the first place. The second Godfather was essential for the eighties and nineties, when the success of America was so enormous that in trying to liberate ourselves from fear and want, we'd become privation and terror we set out to defeat. Apocalypse Now was essential for the Bush era, when neo-imperial hubris made us strike out into unknown places and assume that we could assume such ventures with little sacrifice of and change to our essential natures and without the essential darkness and chaos of these dysfunctional parts of the world rubbing off on us.

In the corporate world of Big Data, in the government world of Homeland Security, in the intelligence world of Putin and PRISM, The Conversation is a textbook lesson in how our own paranoia becomes self-fulfilling. Harry Kaul, being America's greatest expert in wiretapping, knew forty years before the rest of us how easily our privacy becomes compromised. We're all stuck in a world where it's possible for the entire world to know our secrets, and we have no idea to whom we're surrendering our privacy. Is it possible that some of them are in this to try to fight back against the people who'd exploit our lack of privacy, and should we ultimately let them, or do they then, like Michael Corleone, become as evil as the people from whom they wish to protect us? We have no idea how to answer these questions, and better perhaps than any other movie, The Conversation articulates this vague dread that follows us all throughout our days. It is essential viewing for any movie buff, any politically active person, anyone who's ever experienced their privacy has ever been compromised (which is probably all of us). So of course, hardly anybody these days has seen it.

Heaven Can Wait - Charles Revival - August 27th 

It's often said that America's greatest contribution to world culture is the 'studio era,' the 'Golden Age of Hollywood,' the star system. Other countries do literature and theater, but we Americans do movies.

But what remains so strange about the Studio Era is how utterly un-American it was. The movies were generally about high society types that dress immaculately and trade flirtatiously witty barbs that could at least as easily be found in London, Paris, or Vienna as on the Upper-East side of Manhattan. No doubt, there was a kind of wish-fulfillment to it - the wish of the unsophisticated and hard working American bourgeois to have the charmed lives of the European bourgeois - and in the days before FDR liberalism, to be bourgeois signified far more wealth and class and leisure than it did among later generations. The director upon which the very bedrock of high style Hollywood became known for is Ernst Lubitsch, who lived in Berlin until he was 30, and in so many ways, he never left Berlin.

Heaven Can Wait is about a spoiled high society cad who barely ever works, seduces women whenever he can, and relies on his innate charm and good looks to get him through a charmed life and stay married to a saintly wife whom he knows he does not deserve. You don't expect that such a movie can stun you with its quality, and yet by the end it utterly does. It's a completely overlooked movie, even among Lubitsch's output, in which the many seasons of a man's life are portrayed with both humor and unflinching accountability for his flaws, even if the situations are sometimes rather implausible - this is Hollywood after all... I have no doubt that you could find men like this in many American cities, but the way they lived their whole lives were based on the many more society men who lived like this whom you could find in any European city.

All the qualities we claim, or at least seem, to value in traditional Americans: industry, honesty, selflessness, are precisely the opposite of the qualities which Lubitsch and his followers valued. Sure, there were plenty of movies that advanced traditional American values from directors like John Ford and Frank Capra, but the vast majority of movies from Hollywood glorified the selfish, the idle, the liars, who charmed their way out of situations in precisely the manner Americans never did.

Othello - Chesapeake Shakespeare Company - September 24th

I have a soft spot for Othello. It's odd to talk of one of the pinnacles of Western Literature as having a 'soft spot', you don't have soft spots for Othello, you have soft spots for 80's hair metal and reality television. And yet, when it's placed next to Hamlet, Lear, the Scottish Play, and the underrated Antony and Cleopatra, perhaps you have to talk about Othello as though it's something resembling a soft spot. It's perhaps the most magnificent flawed work ever conceived, with dry spots that even make Hamlet fly by. Obviously Hamlet and Lear have their own problems with bloat, but the problem of Othello is that it's basically two plays shoehorned into one. and yet perhaps I prefer Othello to even Hamlet or Macb*th. It is a stretch to say that you can be moved rather than thrilled or in awe by the respective Scot and Dane. But like Lear, Othello is a genuinely moving play.

It's also very difficult to speak about Othello properly because contemporary politics dictates that Othello must be coopted for today's social justice agenda when Othello is hardly a play about race at its most fundamental level. In many ways, if Othello is a play about race, then it is a play about race the same way that The Merchant of Venice is about Judaism. Shakespeare probably does view Othello as an archetypal hot-blooded African who cannot control his moorishly animal instincts to jealousy and lust no matter how thoroughly he tries or how thoroughly he's considered by white society to have mastered them. And yet, whatever the truth of that matter, there is unmistakable sympathy for Othello's plight, and his tragedy is in some ways more meaningful because the stench of racism in how he's drawn is unmistakable. Shakespeare is large enough to contain all interpretations, and to place him within any one of them is to limit him.

The greatest performance I've ever seen of Othello, perhaps the greatest performance I've ever seen of any Shakespeare play, is the 1980 BBC television rendering with Jonathan Miller in the directors chair while starring Anthony Hopkins as Othello, Penelope Wilton as Desdemona, and an absolutely immortal performance by Bob Hoskins as Iago that should be studied for hundreds of years as a textbook of how to interpret Shakespeare so that every potential character nuance registers. There are very, very, very few actors worthy of the Shakespearean parts they play, and perhaps no performance I've ever seen comes even close to the pure and infinitely sophisticated evil Hoskins accomplishes here.

I very nearly left a quarter of the way through this production because, like most American theater troops, the actors wreak such havoc on Shakespeare's language. It's not really an issue of being American, there are plenty of English and British actors who have terrible trouble with Shakespeare, though Shakespeare meaning as much as it does to the British, I'm sure they're spared the unperceptive murder of his verse and character we so often get here; but stage actors are not the most thoughtful bunch of people to begin with, and many of them have little ability to render the most intellectually thoughtful writer since whoever wrote The Bible in any meaningful way. Both Othello and Iago were utterly unworthy of the parts they played, and spoke their lines with a woodenness that tells you they might as well be appearing in a Broadway musical made from a movie as one of the cornerstones of human creativity.

To leave would have been a shame, because it was the leading ladies who shone through in this production and forced Shakespeare's magic to take over when it's leading men stood thoroughly in The Bard's way. I do wish that there was a bit more of the shrinking violet in Diane Curley's thoroughly assertive portrayal of Desdemona, the sacrificial virgin element of Desdemona's character is unmistakable and part of her tragedy, and you could feel the actress recoiling against that element as though her inner monologue were saying "I'm not going to be just another 'Victim Desdemona.' And yet, it certainly worked, because the more assertive Desdemona is, the more 'justification' Othello has to meet her questioning with violence. Given the fact that her Othello was such a damp squib, it only served to help the energy of their scenes to see a Desdemona who would not take such treatment willingly.

But the true star was Emilia, Brianna Mamente, who made her final scene into a truly magnificent display of defiance. In such a production you begin to wonder how the women of Shakespearean society could be so subordinate when they're so much more charismatic, more intelligent, more interesting than their male peers.

The Flower Queen - Yellow Sign Theater - October 24th

There's an obvious conflict of interest here, because if my compositions are going have a 'star' in them for the foreseeable future, it's Ali Clendaniel. But the reason I've made her that is because if there are two better performers than she and her partner, Connor Kizer, I have yet to see or hear them.

This is Baltimore ultimate hipster power couple, and unlike the usual Baltimore hipsters who affect with such effort a pose that they don't give a fuck what you think in precisely that way that tells you they give many fucks indeed, these two are two of the only ones who convince me that they really don't. Most performers in local scenes exist in one dimension, they play it cool and flat, and put any of their minimal effort into appearing still more effortless than they really are. But these are two performers who throw themselves into all ten, spilling as much blood and guts and sweat into a minute of what they perform as many performers do in a decade.

The best evidence of the above is probably Connor's band, The Creepers. The name alone should tell you everything you need to know. To front a band in which every song is from the point of view of a stalker in 2016, when the hipster set is scared to laugh at his or her own shadow for fear of giving offense and being thought insufficiently committed to social justice (and therefore uninvited from certain parties), is the mark of an artist with brass balls. Even if you don't think its funny - and I really, really do, all the moreso because some people seem to get so worked up when the band is mentioned - anybody in the arts should admire the courage to court that kind of controversy. 

The first time I heard Ali Clendaniel sing in her two-woman band, Nudie Suits, I was thoroughly amused. They were just starting out, and the music wasn't all that interesting yet, and yet here was a singer who was literally throwing in every vocal effect but the kitchen sink, seemingly prepared to fake an orgasm onstage to keep the audience listening. The second time I heard them, I was stunned at how much better they'd gotten in such a short period. The third time I heard them, I honestly wondered I was listening to someone summon some kind of daemon from the shadow of the deep. Ruby Fulton, manning the electronics and ever the perfect supporter in a hundred Baltimore bands that make the principal artist better than they ever were, found a way to harness the viscralness of Ali's performances so that there were seemingly twenty of her singing at once. I instantly knew I'd found the only person who could sing King David for my Psalms settings. 

So now that I've thoroughly kissed up to them. I have a strong feeling that I was not supposed to understand the first thing about what their play, The Flower Queen, was about, and I didn't. I would and probably will watch either of them in just about anything, but just about anything was pretty much a description of what we watched. I could not tell you a single thing about what the play was about, and Ali was stuck with not much to do, but Conor chewed up the stage like he was on a three-day-bender, and that alone was hilarious enough to merit anyone seeing the play. But I have the sense they don't much care what others think of what they do, me least of all, and that kind of courage of conviction alone is reason enough to follow their careers with interest. How many artists have the courage to simply do what they think is meaningful or funny and take us along for the ride? It's not a long list. Even when the artists misfire, you have to be grateful to be along for the ride. 

Academy Chamber Ensemble - Shriver Hall - October 24th

OK. One classical review... No doubt, it's bad form to give a bad review to musicians from Academy of St. Martin in the Fields when their founder and guiding light, Sir Neville Marriner, just passed away after as rich a life in music as the world can bequeath, but here we are. 

Back in the day, Sir Neville, Snev, was a frequent guest conductor for the Baltimore Symphony, and when David Zinman left, rumor was afoot that the BSO courted him unsuccessfully. The truth is that Sir Neville was the perfect musician for the recording studio, where his natural good taste made for musicmaking that was always pretty and often bland. Never was there anything in Snev's musicmaking that could be construed as an ugly sound. A very fine musician Sir Neville certainly was, but culling through a thousand recordings to find ten revelations is a tall order to place for too little reward.

The main work was the Schubert Octet. A beautiful and exhausting piece of music - exhausting no doubt to play, and exhausting to listen to unless the performers exhaust themselves. One can't fault touring performers for husbanding their resources through an hour-long tour de force that they probably have to repeat ten times in as many days, but any performance of a Schubert work of 'heavenly length' (Schumann's term for Schubert's hour-long excursions through sonata form) that does not demand our attention will not receive it. It was thoroughly well-played, thoroughly pretty, thoroughly tasteful, and thoroughly bland. As I snuck into the front row, spotting a rare open seat next to my grandmother, Shriver Hall's venerable 96-year-old front row institution who never misses a concert, I glanced to my right and spotted Evan Drachman a few seats over - a relatively famous local cellist who is the grandson of Gregor Piatagorsky - and he was there with what appeared to be his teenage son. His son looked even more bored than I was, and his father kept having to silently tell his son to stay calm, because there were still 40, 30, 20 minutes left in the piece. 

Book Rec: Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willa Cather

What we're missing from the American experience today is Willa Cather. I don't mean precisely that we need to read the writer more often as a magic palliative for our ills, though we could do much worse - she should be better appreciated even than contemporaries like Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Faulkner who are rated her betters; but what's currently missing from this country is the American experience which Willa Cather writes of in her books.

Everything in America is now known. There are no new adventures, no new sights, no new necessities, nothing to discover or uncover. For the first time ever, we are an old country, adrift in too many memories, too little discovery, too much wealth, too little commitment, too much preservation, not enough construction of the new.

My Antonia is perhaps a greater book, about the suffering and striving of Americans come to Nebraska, where the winter is as bitter as life, life is lived on the edge of death, and all that can keep a family, and a community, together is the common bonds of struggle. The suffering in Death Comes for the Archbishop is not quite so close at hand, it is about the experience of two foreign priests, come to the deserted Southwest to save souls, hear confessions, instruct catechisms, and loyalty to one another. A lesser writer would try to make something a bit more overtly homoerotic out of their friendship, just as has been made out of Willa Cather's life. But there is very little erotic at all in this book, if sex is mentioned at all, or even implied, it is in the context of the great suffering which some women undergo at the hands of husbands. The essence of this book, the essence of Cather, is not nearly so monomaniacal to reduce to anything bodily at all, it is pure compassion and Christian love.

Cather is hardly unaware of the mixed motives of people. One of the two priests is clearly vain and arrogant, the other clearly fanatical and temperamental. And yet, their flawed motives are what spur them to rise to occasions of greater humanity. The privations they undergo, the suffering to which they minister, the bonds which they create with their communities, are the bonds that build a country. They are characters whom, through motives as flawed as they are pure (not as large a contradiction as it may seem), created communities where communities did not before exist. Cather is often talked of as a novelist of nostalgia, a conservative who bemoans a lost America. As time marches forward, the America lost is far more essential than mere nostalgia. From the view in 2016, the lost America she bemoans is an America that had hope and vision for its future. 

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Review Dump 1

The least important thing I'm going to do in this space...

October 1: The Marriage of Figaro - Washington National Opera

I thought it started at 8, not 7. It was a completely traditional, thoroughly adequate, thoroughly delightful evening in the company of my favorite opera that I'll travel around the world to see if I have enough money. Fin.

October 6: Simon Bolivar Symphony - Dudamel - Carnegie Hall
Dance Mix

The first time I heard the Simon Bolivar Symphony, they were a youth orchestra, and quite frankly, they were better. This is not the place to get into the relative merits of El Sistema vs. the dysfunction of Venezuela. I don't know what it is that's lacking, the size of the ensemble is still overwhelming, but there is a conspicuous lack of women in their new incarnation. Does the lack of women deplete the frission the orchestra used to have? Whatever it is, the orchestra that used to be a conglomeration of 200 attractive men and women that played with their entire bodies is gradually becoming just another orchestra of jobbing musicians in their thirties who are disproportionately male for whom a concert is just another concert. That first time I heard the Bolivarians live, it was a Rite of Spring for the ages, played by the kinds of youthful, energetic people for whom the Rite of Spring is created. Dudamel's conception was roughly the same, but the weight of the orchestra - in the dead space that is the Kennedy Center concert hall no less, was astonishing. You didn't just hear their sound, you felt it - everything from the basses up to the highest flutes and trumpets registered not only in the bodies of the players, but in the bodies of the audience. In their Rite of Spring which opened the Carnegie Hall season, there was only just a small fraction of that frission. 

Growing up among dance rhythms and the glorification of youth that is Latin American culture, the Bolivarians have a hotline to The Rite of Spring that many more refined orchestras lack. They do not, however, have a hotline into the upper class elegance and nostalgia necessary for a La Valse for the ages. It's something they will have to work towards over a period of decades. This was a fine performance, Dudamel, due to conduct the Vienna New Year's Concert for 2017, has a fine ear for the bends and byways of waltz rhythm, but it was still too mechanical - a generic Ravel piece rather than a macabre love letter to a culture killed by Big Bertha. It was followed by a hodgepodge of 'greatest hits' dance music from 'around the world' which contained few surprises. Hoedown... Trisch-Trasch Polka... Hungarian Dance #5... Ginasteria's Estancia... West Side Story Mambo. Excellently played of course as the Bolivarians always do dance music, but unbelievably awkward in the silence of how pieces which need no introduction were introduced one after the other with a spoken introduction in Dudamel's still quite halting English. 

I believe in Gustavo Dudamel - he has not only not forgotten his roots in Venezuela, he has refused the hyper-prestige appointments which orchestras have no doubt thrown at him behind the scenes with little regard for whether he's ready - staying loyal to the musicians who brought him to eminence in a manner that contemporaries of his like Yannick-Nezet Seguin and Andris Nelsons were all too willing to ditch for more glamorous and prestigious places. In twenty years, I'm positive that Dudamel will be a Maestro for the ages. But in the meantime, the Simon Bolivar Symphony has to undergo the same growing pains that every musical ensemble must after the thrill of youth leaves and one struggles to find one's mature voice. So long as their core stays together with Gustavo Dudamel at the helm, they will reach the promised land of musical greatness.

October 7: Simon Bolivar Symphony - Dudamel - Carnegie Hall

THIS was more like it. Somehow, eighty-five odd years after its composition, this was the Carnegie Hall Premiere of Villa-Lobos Bachianas Brasillieras #2. There are all sorts of sleeping giants in the 20th century classical repertoire, with outputs large enough to equal Bach's, and probably similar in how it contains hundreds of treasures alongside hundreds of generic duds (my opinion of Bach's is not everybody's...) - Villa-Lobos, Martinu, Hindemith, Milhaud, Henze, Rautavaara, Penderecki - perhaps even known giants like Sibelius and Nielsen and Messiaen and Britten of whom the world still only skims the surface of their outputs. Even now, they lie in wait for performers and audiences to catch up to them and cull the wheat from the chafe - masterpiece after masterpiece seemingly content to collect dust until the world takes notice. 

If Dudamel puts the weight of his prestige behind Villa Lobos the way Beecham did for Delius, it will be a career well-spent (better than Beecham's... and I LIKE Delius). Alongside a few more light-weight Latin Dances, this was a revelation from a still unexplored continent of music finally brought to life in a new hemisphere. The orchestra slimmed down to (relative) chamber size, and an orchestra that sounded tired the day before came to life with the excitement of new discovery. The Bolivarians are learning how to do new things.

What followed was a Petrushka that was 10x as charismatic as the day before's Rite. Dudamel is no master yet - he still sometimes, as in the Russian Dance, relies on fast tempos to provide the excitement that phrasing and color should take care of - and speed for speed's sake is rarely as exciting as it seems. But within this Petrushka was character galore - the contrabassoon's famous belch elicited an entire concert hall's worth of laughter. Every solo seemed to have an original bend of the phrase. This is the way to make music. 

October 8: Met - Tristan und Isolde - Rattle/Stemme/Skelton/Pape

There are five conductors in my idiosyncratic personal pantheon for whom I will track down every performance of every vintage, and only one of them is living: Charles Munch, Dmitri Mitropoulos, Rafael Kubelik, Leonard Bernstein, and Simon Rattle. There is not a single performance in my experience from any of these five from which you can't learn something, and often something extraordinary. For other conductors, music is an autocracy. For these five, music is a democracy - seemingly no limits in the repertoire they choose, seemingly no limits in the new takes they'll find on old repertoire. Dictators like Szell and Dorati and Muti can thrill through their precision, philosopher kings like Furtwangler and Celibidache and Barenboim can engender awe through their loftiness. But these five do not rule, they are presidents, who proactively inspire their ensembles with inspiring ideas, and thereby inspire their orchestras to the same. In the cases of these five, the goal is neither to capture the spirit of the composer nor the recapturing a lost performance tradition nor the exploitation of music to make philosophic points. The goal is musicmaking that lives purely in the moment of its performance, a living document that is neither bound by the score or by previous performances. 

Of course, such a conception of music should be generally alien to the music of its preeminent philosopher-autocrat, not that it stopped, or should have stopped them, Kubelik particularly was a Wagnerian of distinction whose performances have been preserved quite well. But if any music lives in the moment or sinks by the hour, it is the music of Richard Wagner. Wagner has to live and breathe, every phrase newly minted and originally conceived, or he dies. It should come as no secret then why so many music lovers find his operas moribund. 

It is almost impossible to write about Wagner without aping his extreme length and bloat. One can't possibly do justice to the plethora of elements, particularly if one is not particularly passionate about Wagner. I personally find Wagner a great composer, a good dramatist, a bad poet and a horrible philosopher, and because Wagner's musical genius is hidebound by his ideas, his music dramas can be cripplingly dull indeed.

Tristan generally falls somewhere between the top to the middle of my interest in him - not as interesting to me as Die Meistersinger and parts of the Ring, but hundreds of times more interesting than Parsifal. Even so, there are moments in Tristan, whole quarter hours even, that are breathtaking and my life would be far poorer without. What a shame that the director, Marius Trelinsky I think, underlined them with the subtlety of a kid with a squirt gun. When Brangene interrupts Trisolde's love duet, and all that remains are two string lines intermingling in counterpoint with each other like the merging of two souls, Trelinsky closes the fucking curtain, as though we're too dumb to perceive the blissful oblivion for ourselves. When it's time for the Liebestod, Isolde is left on the stage alone with what one can only assume is a dead Tristan sitting on a bench after he's presumably bled to death from the wound (in this case a gunshot wound) given him by Melot. 

One could hear boos for the staging during the applause, complaints in the audience ("Go back to Stuttgart" I heard a neighbor say). In truth, the staging was neither shocking nor pseudo-shocking in the manner of so much European opera. It was simply unsatisfying in a manner that neither helped to elucidate Wagner's philosophical ideas nor improved them. 

Musically, what can one say? We were in the presence of Nina Stemme, the great Isolde of our era, Rene Pape, the great Bass of our era, and Simon Rattle, the great Maestro of our era (for me at least). If they can't provide a great Tristan, nobody can. It says a lot that Stuart Skelton, not a Tristan for the ages, did very little to embarrass himself. His voice was clearly extremely tired by Act III, but then again, Tristan is on the edge of death and madness, perhaps that's precisely what Wagner intended - his exhaustion only added depth to his scenes. Stemme was, of course, as close to perfect as the largest role in the soprano repertoire can allow. But if anything, her performance showed the limits of perfection. In this least perfect of all composers, perfection is the enemy. Wagner is nothing if not his own musical death cult - he demands that his lead singers give everything to him and risk their entire future career on every performance. A singer unwilling to do so may have a brighter future, but he or she is not a born Wagnerian. 

It was ultimately Rattle's show of course, and Rattle nearly accomplished the impossible - to make the entirety of Tristan truly sing with an unending melody. It was not the plush and rectilinear Met Wagner of Levine or Leinsdorf, thank god, nor was it a Tristan much like any other Wagner conductor. It was a human scaled Tristan, I found myself thinking again and again 'this is how Giulini would have conducted it.' Rattle once said in an interview that he thought of Tristan as Schubert on steroids, and what emerged was an intimate music drama of extremely human dimensions. In this most artful of composers, Rattle fashioned something that felt nearly artless. The effortlessness with which the central love duet spun out was a thing of wonder, for once, Tristan und Isolde did not seem like two philosophical nodes upon which grandiloquence is hung, but two human beings, very much in love. Rattle is the one living conductor who can achieve what is in my view the most impossible task in music: he can make Wagner seem human.

October 10: Philadelphia Orchestra - Mahler 6 - Rattle - Carnegie Hall

I thought I knew Mahler 6 before this concert. I know nothing. It isn't simply a tragic symphony that might summon the ghosts of history or break your heart or excite your nerves, it is an awesome and terrifying daemon conjured from the ether. That's the only thing I can take from this concert. It's a wondrous ghost from the ecstatic deep of tragic sublimity, like the last acts of King Lear and Macbeth, Satan's war speech to his demons, Dostoevsky's Grand Inquisitor, Dante's and Francesca, The Whiteness of the Whale, The Penal Colony, Ecclesiastes and Job, the Lamentations of Jeremiah and the songs of Isaiah, Guernica, The Last Judgement, The Triumph of Death, Saturn Devouring His Son, the finale of Don Giovanni and the Bach Chaconne and the Toccata and Fugue and Death and the Maiden and the opening of Beethoven's 9th taken to apocalyptic proportions. I don't expect to ever hear Mahler like that ever again. I didn't know it was even possible, and I wonder if it's even worth ever listening to it again. This wasn't just how Bernstein or Tennstedt conducted it - magnificent as they are, this is how Furtwangler and Mengelberg might have conducted it if they ever did. Mahler 6 is much too intense to ever be a favorite piece of mine or anybody else's, but after a good but still a bit earthbound performance of the first movement, I sat in that audience for the rest of this performance with my hand over my mouth, barely able to take in enough air. This was music.

How it was done was another issue entirely. I wasn't even certain it was a great performance for the first half of it. Rattle played the first movement at a slow march tempo with very little rubato, telegraphing very little of what was to come. He then, contrary to my tastes, placed the Adagio second, and lulled us with beauty past beauty into a false sense of security. It was gorgeous, it was also a good 30% slower than one hears in more classically minded performances like Szell and Boulez. 

Then came the Scherzo, when not a phrase went by without a tempo change. The odd burlesque Mahler conjures is generally thought to be a parody of the opening movement, not so in Rattle's hands. In Rattle's hands, it is like a ghostly waltz-parody, not unlike the scherzo of the 7th symphony or La Valse, but far more ghostly. Rattle's 1989 recording gives you some idea of what he did, but he chanced still more tempo changes and bends in this performance. 

Then came, holy shit, that finale. It was not simply a tragic statement or a statement about war, much as it may be both, but thanks to such a strange scherzo, we were able to perceive still new levels of strangeness in this music, which Rattle bequeathed to us utterly unblunted, every moment seemingly played for maximum impact while dispensing of formal niceties. Perhaps tragedy plus strangeness equals horror, and what we got here was not simply a classically proportioned depiction of war as Semyon Bychkov seemed to view it last January when he directed the New York Philharmonic in this piece, but a terrifying apparition - truly perhaps what Lenny meant when he said that Mahler foresaw the twentieth century. I fear without wading far into the details of how Rattle interpreted and the players played in this or that measure, I cannot do justice to what they did. It will have to suffice to say again, this was MUSIC. 

October 15: Baltimore Symphony - V. Petrenko

Vassily Petrenko is as gifted as a conductor can get while still giving no indication of any sort of intellectual or emotional depth. In Shostakovich, he clearly knows how to get precisely the right sonorities and balances in loud and soft passages and everything between to make your hair stand straight up. In Beethoven piano concertos he knows exactly how to accompany in such a manner that deflects attention to his soloist and fits the soloist like a glove. 

But Shostakovich 10 is not just a Prokofiev-like rollercoaster. It is, like Mahler 6, one of the great tragic statements in music, and again like Mahler 6, all the more tragic for being so ironic and strange. When the playing is so magnificent, one might be thought ungrateful for uttering any 'but' in addition to awesome praise for an awesome performance... but...

I went back home afterward, I listened to Shostakovich 10 as rendered by Mravinsky, Kondrashin, Oistrakh, Sanderling, Gergiev, Nelsons, Ancerl, Mitropoulos, Jansons, Shipway, (yes, I'm weird, get over it), and particularly when one hears Oistrakh and Gergiev, you immediately perceive a songfulness, a tragedy, a loss, a humor, a depth, about which Petrenko might not have the foggiest idea. The noise was awesome, but a beginning listener could walk away from that performance without it occurring to them that Shostakovich 10 is about anything at all. 

The soloist, on the other hand, Inon Barnatan, is Beethovenian to the marrow. Everything a magnificent Beethoven pianist is supposed to be, Barnatan is. Effortless virtuosity and iridescent fire, leavened by every bit as much poetry and humanity, and an organizational mind to fuse it all together seamlessly. This was as great a performance of Beethoven 3 as the world can ever hear. I hope to hear this pianist many more times over the years. Petrenko was a perfect accompanist to him, a perfect conducting machine - a second Karajan or Mravinsky who could probably drill an orchestra to the level of the world's greatest, but it might be left to guest conductors to find the music which such precision makes possible.

October 22: Baltimore Symphony - Lintu

If I had to venture a guess, Marin Alsop will leave the BSO in 2021. Her contract is up, she'll be 65, and she'll try to use her seventies to chase one last chance for a prestige appointment. I have no doubt she's chomping to get her hands on the San Francisco Symphony when MTT leaves, or perhaps the BBC Symphony. Will she get them? Will she want to stay once she gets these poisoned chalices? Who knows, even if she ends up in St. Louis or Detroit or Cincinnati after Baltimore, it will be a career well spent. 

If the BSO manages to stay a full-time orchestra after Alsop leaves and only 500 listeners show up to any performance, the director will probably be Hannu Lintu, one of the army of tall blond Finns bombarding the orchestral scene at the current moment. Like the Hungarian maestri of yesteryear, these Finns all seem cut from the same cloth. Superbly analytical musical minds that respond incredibly well to new music, quite capable and musically sound in traditional rep, but a little bit arid and too given to virtuoso grandstanding like fast tempos and crisp precision. 

I yearn, I wilt, I pine, for Markus Stenz to be the next director. But it's amazing that a conductor both this advanced in his career and this genuinely great has agreed to come to Baltimore as a principal guest for three weeks a year, let alone ten or twelve. Stenz is not a perfect conductor, given to flights of virtuoso grandstanding in which he takes fast tempos, seemingly for the sole purpose of showing off his magnificent conducting technique that can hold an orchestra together at tempos that most conductors would find impossible to manage (in the 90s, David Zinman had the same problem). But while Stenz is occasionally given to the same virtuoso slickness as Petrenko or Lintu, he provides musical revelation after revelation whenever he doesn't. 

Hannu Lintu has the same virtuosity problem as Stenz, and gives into it rather more frequently. Lintu's been in Baltimore every year for the five I've lived in Baltimore as an adult, and he clearly finds it difficult to give into the better angels of his musical nature. The good news is that the better angels are most certainly there. And in these five performances, never have I heard them to better effect than this weekend. 

Rautavaara's magnificent Cantus Arcticus received its Baltimore premiere this weekend, because Baltimore is finally ready for music composed in 1972..., and it was bloody magnificent. I love Rautavaara's music deeply. No composer of his generation wrote more gorgeous sonorities and harmonies, and while there is occasional unmistakable drift into Enya-like new age banality, a composer who wrote so much music has to have some duds. There is magnificence everywhere in his output, and still more in this particular music. Even amid such magnificence, you could see the elderly crowd grinding their bridges into dust as the bird soundscape made its electronic appearance - you could see their thought bubbles: MUSIC ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE BIRDS!

What makes Cantus Arcticus so magnificent is not just the beauty of the string and wind writing, which might seem a little saccharine if taken on its own, or the bird soundscape, which is merely a soundscape without the music. When one puts the two together, you get something between beauty and ridiculousness, precisely the strangeness where sublimity can reside. By the end you have no idea what to make of this... strange bird... (I'll show myself out...)

Another Beethoven Piano Concerto, the first, this time with Angela Hewitt as the soloist. Hewitt is a very fine pianist beginning to get up there in years, you hear an occasional smudge in the runs, but you'd hear that from many pianists half her age. Hewitt is a very probing musician, perhaps too probing at the expense of other qualities, but Lintu wasn't quite with her. In the middle slow movement, she came in with a very slow and flexible tempo and gorgeously soft dynamics, yet Lintu seemed completely unaware of the specialness of what was developing right next to him, and inevitably brought the orchestra in at a faster, metric tempo and louder dynamic. But when Hewitt got to break free, she turned the piece into something completely different - the incredibly long and taxing cadenza in the incredibly long and taxing opening movement was absolutely magnificent - Hewitt seemed ready to tackle an Alkan Transcendental Etude at the end of it. 

But within Lintu's gargantuan but lanky frame with its silver aging hipster faux-hawk and immaculately polished shoes is a real musical mind and heart, and it was on his sleeve during their performance of Dvorak 8. No musician in the world could probe more deeply than he made the BSO probe here. Whether it was cutting loose with the raucousness of Dvorak's Slavonic dance-party, or the breathtaking (and unmistakable in this performance) imitations of nature in the second movement, or the luminously beautiful panoply of melodies Dvorak invites us to share with him all through the score, Lintu gave us Dvorak as he should always be - bathed in the light of the air and the dirt of the earth, rubato everywhere, pianissimos so soft you had to strain to hear them from the front row (where I was sitting), uproarious noise when Dvorak is extraverted, stunning sensitivity when Dvorak is introverted. 

The eighth is my favorite Dvorak symphony - there is no straining for a grand symphonic statement, just an invitation to share in Dvorak's humanity and decency. Three seats to my right, there was an elderly man so slouched over that he looked a month away from the big concert in the sky. During that soft G-Major glimpse heaven towards the end of the finale, he began to cry as his wife consoled him. "It's so nice" he said to her. It was such a beautiful moment that I didn't begrudge him talking in such close proximity to the players, had they seen it, I doubt they would have either.   

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Mid-Afternoon Thoughts on Listening to Shostakovich's Tenth Symphony


In every major rust belt metropolis, in Baltimore, in Detroit, in Cleveland, in Cincinnati, in St. Louis, in Minneapolis, in Buffalo, in Newark, in Rochester, in Syracuse, there are a whole bevy of arts organizations that are giving the performances of a lifetime, orchestras, theaters, museums and galleries, performing as though their lives depend upon it, because they absolutely do.

When I was a teenager, theater and classical music performances could still sell out in Baltimore, but everywhere I turned was an ocean of grey heads. Today, those gray heads have been replaced by empty chairs. Today was yet another transcendent experience from the BSO played to a third-full house, not even a thousand people in a 2400 seat theater. To anybody who went, even or perhaps especially a beginner, it would have been an experience of a lifetime, an experience you can just as easily find at Everyman Theater, or at the Walters and the BMA, and yet nobody goes.

There are theaters, museums, and orchestras everywhere in the United States that are fighting for their very lives - monuments to mid-20th century prosperity and aspiration that currently operate like priceless antiques in an era that lets them collect dust, organizations that are on the precipice of destruction because nobody is willing to take care of them, and nobody thinks they can get anything out of the experience of having them anymore.

It's just barely not too late yet, but the time to save these organizations is drawing to a close. You have no idea what you have until you lose it, and I guarantee, if, as seems likely now, these organizations are allowed to descend into the fecal morass of history en masse, it will be the very same moment American republic ceases to be. Art is the world's seismograph, helping us interpret what has been, and what is to come. We have new arts today, glorious ones, electronic music, cinema, television, video art, standup comedy (my favorite...). But if we allow the monuments of old civilizations to crumble, then we lose those lessons of history, and we lose our best very best link with the forces of history - which are so incredibly powerful that they almost seem occult, and history will demand our sacrifice, and turn us into the old civilization that another civilization will have to preserve after we lose our most priceless treasures, not just works of art, but the lives of the people who should have appreciated them. It's not a coincidence that a generation after hundreds of thousands of intellectuals subscribed to Marx and Nietzsche, one of whom reduced history to simple material forces, the other reduced it to the simple machinations of 'supermen', the world was hit with a World War and an even worse one a generation after that.

Left or Right, everyone in today's America says that people should be free to like whatever they want to like and avoid the seriousness of anything that demands delayed gratification - be it in art, or work, or friendship, or love, or family. Plato predicted, 2500 years ago, that this is the kind of excess of democracy that leads to the breakdown of rule of law. Democracy is no different from authoritarianism in impact unless the rule of law is ironclad.

We may not like many things about the stodgy world of our grandparents; their frugality, their repression, their intolerance of difference. But for the entirety of their lives, they survived. They took a bellicose, warlike world, and through hard work and delayed gratification, they turned it into a mostly peaceful one. Today, instead of improving upon their achievement - instead of lifting the impoverished out of their despair, instead of doing the hard work of welcoming minorities into the more prosperous world they only began to create, instead of the hard work welcoming people to live freely as they like be they gay or trans or polyamorous, so many of us want to blow up their achievement and start over. You cannot expect for the world to continue as it did without the hard work of moral seriousness: you cannot expect to live lives free of heartbreaking sacrifice and melancholic contemplation - without sixteen hour work days six days a week, without continual fights with partners and children and parents over how life has (not ought, but has) to be lived, without the continual surrender of ambitions and dreams and personal fulfillment, without the continual insecurity and belief that our stupidity and arrogance are things that we always have to remedy, without losing this prosperity for generations hence. Our personal fulfillment inevitably comes at the expense of someone else's in another place or another time. The only way to create a better world is to sacrifice our personal better worlds for the greater good, because the objective of life is not happiness, the objective of life is to create more life.

If we live these lives of the generous in which we give unstintingly of ourselves to life rather than take from life, then this is the art that we crave to consume. I'm convinced of it - because nothing else could possibly speak as eloquently to the complexity of our emotional lives. Living this sort of life not only makes us better people (and I'm as guilty as anyone of not living this kind of life), but it makes us more interesting people with more worthwhile and complex life-experiences to contemplate and share, and therefore crave something that not only entertains us, but purges the agonies out of us that are necessary to accumulate in a meaningful life.

There was a long period when I did not believe in the distinction between high and low art. That period is over. Living in the major and thriving metropolii: New York, London, LA, San Francisco, Chicago, Paris, Berlin, even DC as I did for so long, is its own kind of incredibly sheltered existence. Living among so many like-minded progressive people, you can so easily convince yourself that the entire world can listen to reason and that your world will be the same for generations hence, and even if the world doesn't listen to reason, you can operate within that bubble of privilege and only hate the people who would take it away from you in the abstract. And therefore, you set your sites lower, a kind of intellectual decadence to set aside the anti-intellectual decadence of the provinces.

This high seriousness does not have to come from the traditional arts: it can, or at least should, just as easily come from movies, from TV, from more contemporary forms of music. And the seriousness needn't preclude silliness within it, but seriousness has to be the foundation upon which frivolity operates.

I love a lot of more contemporary genres of music, god knows I love TV and a lot of shows on it and respect a number of them as equivalent works of novelistic literature, there are lots of cinematic auteurs that are fully the equivalent of the great playwrights. And standup comics are, for me at least, just about the greatest thing about living in our age rather than any other. But my love of all this is leavened by the knowledge, the fact, that in so many cases, it's immature art. With a few exceptions, I don't place them on an equivalent pedestal, and I don't think you should either. We view our art little differently from the way children view it, because our expectations of what life demands from us are little different than the expectations of children, who have never yet learned to delay gratification, and neither have many of their parents.

Just in the case of music, I would be much more charitable to non-classical music if there were more forms of absolute music to which most people listened. The whole idea that music begins where words end is almost over, how many people even listen to jazz anymore? Are people's emotional lives so uncomplicated in our day that we simply require words or dancing as a precondition to enjoy music? Is the idea of sitting in a seat in silence for forty-five minutes at a time an experience no different from spending that time staring at wallpaper?

I think there's enormous value in popular songs, but it's the value of beautiful flowers and cultural artifacts. They're precious in part because the shelf life of even the best of it might be severely limited. When the culture that birthed The Beatles and Dylan and Chuck Berry and James Brown and Public Enemy and Nirvana ceases to be, will there be any interest in it that is that is not grounded in history rather than aesthetic appreciation? How many people our age even listen to Sinatra and Pops and Duke anymore for pleasure? How many even listen to Scott Joplin?

I have no idea what the answer to that is, but I worry that the music and many of the genre fictions we love will be worthless to even our grandchildren, who will not make the effort to understand because they see it as just another indicator of how we let a good thing go to shreds for them because of our frivolity and our belief that personal fulfillment was more important than personal sacrifice.

Meanwhile, a whole new culture is arising in East Asia. Just as with former generations of Americans, this new middle class may be repressed and boring and intolerant, but they will survive, and in mid-October 2016, I'm not sure we will. and what is the telltale sign of this ascendent middle class? The same as ours once was. It is their love of classical music and high literature. It is their sponge-like assimilation of the best which other cultures have to offer. Yes, they certainly have their own thriving pop music scene, and god knows they have their own movies; there's also an accompanying love of American rock and jazz and blues, but it is something which they love as though it's a classical music, what they seem to appreciate in it is the eternal qualities of it, and most of the more inadequate bands that we still fetishize are tossed to the wayside - we've 'moved on' to Taylor Swift, but they're still stuck on Elvis and Chuck Berry. But even the preeminent rock clubs in Japan and South Korea are not selling tickets in the numbers which orchestral concerts are routinely selling out. Tokyo has 10 professional orchestras, not even London or Berlin can compete with that. They savor this music in precisely the way our grandparents and great-grandparents did. They may not know as much about high culture as eccentric nuts like me, but they hear in it the music and the literature of middle class aspiration and sacrifice, because their inner lives are too complicated to be reflected in anything simpler than the ambiguities of musical harmony. It is the music in which the tonic chord is the beginning from where we depart, and often takes us a full hour's journey to return. It is the music not of religion, and not of consumerism, but the music of metaphysics, the music in which a composer communes transcendentally with the listener, human to human, allowing an audience a space to enter not just a composer's thoughts, but a composer's entire mental and emotional and most vulnerable consciousness - because it's not the artist's gift that matters, but the artist's objective. The objective has to be to banish frivolity, except as a means to demonstrate greater seriousness. If posterity matters, then what is important is to communicate person to person on the most fundamental level about the most pressing, persistent, pertinent questions of existence, existences which are hard and hard-won, but humbly accept the tragedy which it is to be alive, and embraces life for whatever it is, with all the bad, but the hope alive for all sorts of blessings within it.

Late Night Addendum: I don't want to make it seem, though I know I have, as though I think it's impossible to do anything substantial in more popular genres. Of course it is, and I can give a hundred examples, but I do think it's harder, because substance is contrary to the point of what you're trying to create. It's like trying to win a swimming race with an arm tied to your leg. So many of the people who lauded Dylan's Nobel are talking about how he has taken literature back to its original form, when it was just a bard singing his songs. The problem with that is that few people thought those bards' creations were worthwhile enough to remember. How many people have heard a Troubadour song from the 11th century? How many people have read the great anonymous poems and bardic hymns outside of school. I have occasionally, but I know I'm an exception, and I'm not enough of one. 

I'm sure there are people who read this (if they read it at all) who think to themselves that this is pure snobbery. Let them think it. Can popular genres address questions of existence? Of course they can. Do they? Not as often and not as well. People point to endless amounts of pop and genre fiction as a way of showing that it's just as or more substantial than any art that comes before it, but I've consumed well past enough of it to know that the intellectual content that passes through usually filtered in simplified form. And because the intellectual content is simplified, so is the emotional content. The idea that all forms of the arts are equal is a clear as day signal that the arts don't have enough importance in our lives anymore to gauge its quality. Can classical music be trivial? Yes, much too often, and every revival of bel canto and reams of stupid Baroque music and lots of others is time we could spend finding new meaningful cultural experiences. I've played a lot on both sides of the music ledger, both popular and classical - but in more popular genres, there was so little meaning left for me when the party stopped. After I got tired of bands and bands got tired of me, I couldn't see the value in the music anymore and I reverted to everything that is currently not even in fashion in the classical music world, which is now (understandably) reacting against the ascetic serialism of late-century academic composition by saying there is no way to judge the value of different kinds of music so long as people like what they like. i. I've listened to more types of music than 99.9999 percent of the world population, I've seen more B-movie crap and bad TV than most people, and have enjoyed the hell out of most of it. You can love both sides of entertainment and art while realizing that there are places where it's almost impossible within the constraints of popular entertainment to reach. And therefore, the achievement is all the more miraculous when it d
oes.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Complete Season's Greetings: 5770-5777

5770: (the first, an unoriginal benediction, but with many, many personal emendations)

To All the Jews (honorary ones too),

In this coming year may you have friends who insult you to your face and neighbors who don't spy.  May you win the lottery, thereby acquiring a long list of relatives, and may you remember Evan Tucker when you win.  May you get good reports from your internist, ENT, dentist, cardiologist, chiropractor, proctologist and urologist, and if you don't may there be an organization to pick up your health policy when it's dropped.  May your hair stay in, your facelift not fall and your stock portfolio rise.  May your cholesterol stay low and your mortgage interest rate not rise.  May your broadband and refrigerator be free of spam (really just the broadband) and may your gchat records be easily deletable.  May the swine flu go back to the swine where it belongs.  May you get through the day without feeling the need for alcohol or nicotine at the end of it, or something else, unless you really think it's good for you in which case may you do that something else and may the government leave you be.  May you know your calling - choral singer or otherwise - and may your calling give you much satisfaction.  May those of you who think Israelis are always right be satisfied, may those of you who think Palestinians are always right be satisfied too, and may we all learn to stop talking about it at parties.  May you have a merciful IRS agent and a boss who charges lunch to the company card.  May those of you getting married, recently married or oldly married have all the best fortune.  May you make enough money to support all your children through college and grad school and for their whole lives thereafter.   When it's cold, may you have sealing windows.  When it rains, and it will, may you have non-leaking roofs.

To the Goyim,

Don't fuck with us.  

All the best,

Evan



5771: (easily my least favorite, toned down because it was the year I had to use it to try to convince DC singers to sing for Voices of Washington... I should have just done a better Season's Greetings)

To all the Jews: 

Real Jews, fake Jews; red Jews, blue Jews; Jews by force, Jews by choice; honorary Jews and dishonorable Jews.  To the three-times-a-year Jews and Shabbos Goyim, bacon-lovers and crabcake-connoisseurs; Jews when they watch Seinfeld and Jews when they read about Mel Gibson, Jews when they listen to Mahler and Jews when they watch Adam Sandler; Jews when they see the restaurant bill and Jews when their mothers call four times an hour.  To the 6'4 blonde Jews and the 5'3 balding goy, to the doctors named Esposito and the baseball players named Youklis; to the Jewish mechanic who works on your car and the Scotch-Irish accountant from West Virginia who sets up your 401 K, to the goyim who feel Jewish when Israel comes up and the Jews who feel Palestinian when talking to them; to the goyim who don't throw up when they realize what Kishkes are made of and the Jews who wretch at the sight of kippered herring, to the Jews who never miss a chance to look inside a church and the Goyim who feel like they're going to scream if they have to go again.  

To everyone, both Jewish and not, because beneath it all we share a common hatred of Yankee fans:

May the coming year bring you good health, good fortune, and happiness.

Evan



5772: (I went unoriginal again for the most part. But it was definitely funny)

Dearest Jews and/or Goyim,
In the coming year may you have all the health, wealth, wisdom and happiness which so clearly eluded you in the past year. I know I shall see you all tonight at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem where we shall partake of the great happiness that awaits all who devote eternity to the study of Torah. Should the Messiah however be unexpectedly delayed, here's fondly wishing you a happy New Year.

And here is a questionnaire I recently received from my synagogue:

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in thesynagogue. 

  In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.  

1. I would prefer to sit in the . . . (Check one)   

______Talking section    

______No talking section


2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)

_____ Stock market

_____ Sports

_____ Medicine

_____ Congregate's secret medical tragedies

_____ General gossip

_____ Specific gossip (choose)

_____ The rabbi

_____ The rabbi's voice

_____ The rabbi's wife

_____ The choir

_____ The rabbi's "secretary"

_____ Fashion news

_____ What others are wearing

_____ Why they look awful

_____ Your neighbors

_____ Your neighbor's relatives

_____ President Obama

_____ Sex (Preference:______)

_____ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom

_____ Other:


3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?


_____ Doctor

_____ Dentist

_____ Nutritionist

_____ Psychiatrist

_____ Child psychiatrist

_____ Mother in law

_____ Pilot

_____ Podiatrist

_____ Chiropractor

_____ Stockbroker

_____ Accountant

_____ Lawyer

_____ Criminal

_____ Civil

_____ Estate agent

_____ Architect

_____ Plumber

_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)

_____ Sex therapist

_____ Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one) 

_____ Other:_____________________________


4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)

_____ On the aisle

_____ Near the exit

_____ Near the window

_____ In Aruba

_____ Near the bathroom

_____ Near my in-laws

_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible

_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible

_____ Near the pulpit

_____ Near the kiddush table

_____ Near single men

_____ Near available women

_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular   

_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services   

_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services 

  _____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)
    

5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:

_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza

_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
          
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people (limit of 6 names):

_______________________________________________________________                          
_______________________________________________________________

(If you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)





Fondly yours,







5773: (easily the best so far, though a presidential election made it easier)


Dear Sir, Madame, Or Other,

My Judaism primer sheet informs me that a holiday signifying a supposedly Jewish new year is approaching and that it would be prudent to issue a greeting for this allegedly sacred time. So for those economically successful people of Jewish persuasion, I would like to wish those Jews whom God has blessed a Happy and Blessed New Year. For any of those economically successful Jews who would give five hundred thousand dollars and above to my campaign, I would endow them with a gift basket of honey-glazed pork chops and a freshly-killed lobster dinner with me and Anne at the White House. 

Best Wishes for a Sweet New Year,

Willard Mittens Romney

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To all my Jewish Friends,

I would like to wish you all a great and sweet New Year with lots of dragons and fortune cookies. I know that soon you will achieve your dream of founding a country in your ancestral homeland and that you'll have a friend in America, who will be at your side when the next Holocaust occurs. 

Your Friend,

Joe Biden


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I'd like to wish you all a new year. Except for the teachers, whom I'd like to wish a !@#$%# @#$%@##!#$ %Y#@$%!#$!# !@$%@#! @#$@$%^@#$ !@#%@#%^@#$% @$%@#$@#$^ CHAINSAW @#$%!@$@#^ ^&$%^&*$%* !@$%#$%#^& @#%^#$^&%#$%& BLUMPY #@$%@#^$% #^#$%&#$%^#$@#% &$%^&@$ *(%^&*#$% !@$%#$%& #$^&$%&*&@#$ @##$%^ DUKAKIS @$%&$% %^&*#$%^ #$^&^&*%*$^ $%^#$%^#$%^ @$#%@$%&#$^& NEW YEAR!!!!

Best Wishes,

Rahm Emanuel 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jews,

I'd like to wish all you movie business Leninists a good New Year or whatever it is you celebrate. I don't even know why I'm sending this thing but I think my agent's implying that I need to if I ever want another Oscar. 

Back to the Links,

Clint

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jews, 

You make me sick.

Mel 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To all Jews (self-identified or honorary)

May you be written in the Book of Life and may you have a sweet new year. Unless you prefer otherwise. 

Best Wishes,

Evan






5774: 
(a little too close to the bone this year, but I don't take a word of it back :) )


Dearest Jews, self-identified or honorary, of Baltimore,

Your new-found reappearance in my life has been such a blessing. I am so happy to have ditched that tiresome, disgusting, pestilential blight upon the world that is Washington and all those people within it whom I claim to love but secretly loathe with all my might for their disgusting fakery, their fanatical belief systems, their craven ambition and catty social climbing, their uninformed bloviations, their corporate facelessness, their collusion in the thievery of the country's money, and the overpriced restaurants, rowhouses, bars, public transit, and clothes, for all of which they spend the money they stole from us like water. Like hell, Washington is nothing more than a demon-filled swamp disguised as a real city.  Satan's kingdom must come down, and one day we'll do a field trip to dance on the remains of its ashes.

Happy New Year,

Evan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Jews, self-identified or honorary, of Washington,

Oh my god TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK!!! If I have to sit through one more shitty band/gallery/theater production then I'm going to become the artistic equivalent to a disgruntled postal worker who goes crazy and shoots up his office, and the Baltimore City Paper would name my mass shooting the 'best show of the year.' And it just might be, because everything in Baltimore is like a bad show: "look how few murders we've had this month!", "look how effectively we've stopped the drug trade!" "look how much better gentrification's made life for us!" "look how amazing it is to work for your father!" No wonder so many shitty artists take root here. We're a town tailor made for bad shows. At least DC is a show which some idiots believe. Nobody believes in Baltimore. 

Happy New Year,

Evan

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Jews, self-identified and honorary, of all cities,

What the hell did I do to deserve you people?

Happy New Year,

Evan



5775: 

To all the Jews (spoiler alert),

On this, the 5th anniversary of the Season's Greetings emails, may you be written this year into the Book of Life, may this year bless you with good health and happiness, may you live a life like Kramer and not like George, may you have Homer Simpson's luck and avoid Sideshow Bob's rakes, may you keep your secrets better than Don Draper does, may your marriages be like Woody and Kelly and not like Frasier and Lilith, may you get through your addictions like Bubbles and not like Sherrod, may you escape bad home situations like Barbara Soprano and not like Janice, may you be there for your family like Michael Bluth and not like Lucille, may you get second chances like Jesse and not screw them up like Walter, may you maintain your integrity like Larry David and not sell out like Hank Kingsley, may you embrace commitment like Liz Lemon and not avoid it like Jack Donaghy, in fights may you win like Tyrion and not lose like Tywin, may you live to Dowager Grantham's age and not to Sybil's, may you prosper through preserving your integrity like Saul and not die a sellout like Estes, may you deal with clients like Manuel and not like Basil, may your family view you as a joy like Raymond and not a burden like Robert, may you have the gumption of Cartman and not the spinelessness of Butters, may you be in on the joke like Sophia and not the butt of them like Rose, may you be an inspiration like Picard and not an embarrasment like Lwaksana Troi, may you appreciate the world like Wilson and not spurn it like House, may you fulfill your responsibilities like Louie and not avoid them like Larry Sanders, may you be as confident as Gonzo and not as insecure as Fozzie, when you put your foot in your mouth may you be as well-meaning as Michael Scott and not creepy like David Brent, when you reach power may you be as benevolent as President Bartlett and mendacious like President Underwood.

May you devote many more hours to what really matters in life: TV. Glorious TV. 



5776 (too prescient, no?):

All you Jewish Dummies out there,

I know it's your new year and you all have to celebrate like idiots, so instead of suing you for all your money after stealing mine because you're third rate hypocrites who never.apologized to me for the horrible job you did for me with your bad real estate tips and zero ability to get me out of bad Casino deals, I'm going to wish you a Happy New Year. Even though all you liberal clowns are third rate total losers. Your goofball leech race just uses me for publicity while you 'make' my money and then talk 'bull' about me with the media you control in between programming your hokey third-rate garbage against The Apprentice. 

But I"m willing to cut you all some slack if you're Jewish women, even though most of you pieces of ass could still use a good nose job. And I still don't hate you guys as much as I hate those ridiculous Chinese clowns and the Mexican dummies who steal the jobs I provide. So listen you Jewish motherfuckers, you like to win, so I'm gonna let you stay here, and when I'm president I'm gonna tax you only 25% more than everybody else, because it's only fair that a race that steals for us gives us our money back. 

And you're gonna show me Obama's birth certificate. Cuz I know you guys are behind that one too and let that Kenyan born loser get that office that should be mine. 

And then all you little short guys in Yamakas are gonna count my money all day. Penny by fuckin' penny so you know what a real rich guy looks like. And if you tab the sums wrong, I'm gonna stick ya where I stuck Rosie O'Donnell, and you don't wanna know where I stuck her... It's the same place I stuck Arianna Huffington and Hilary Clinton... 

And then I'm gonna build a shrine to your new God, Me. You're gonna bow down to my image. It's gonna be solid gold and a hundred stories high, cuz nobody builds better shrines than me: real classy. And then I'm gonna tax the rest of your money to build the wall to keep the Mexicans out, which you're gonna build, cuz I'm the motherfuckin' Pharoh and Moses rolled into one. 

Happy Fuckin' New Year,

Donald



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Greetings of the Season to all,

Evan

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5777

Dearest Jews and Non-Jews,



For my annual greeting card, I unfortunately have no original jokes to offer this year. Instead, let me just direct you to this bandcamp website, which has the new music of a man named AC Charlap, the 'stagename' of someone you know (Charlap was the 'Tucker' name until the 20th century, AC being my Hebrew name: Avraham Chai. I'd have preferred to use the name 'Richard Nixon' but that was already taken). Please feel free to listen to this half-hour of celestial muzak if you feel like it, or don't if you don't. But if you like it, or simply feel sorry for me, it would be lovely of you should you find generosity within your heart to GIVE FUNDING since my thus far non-extant children will require a repleted college fund should I continue with this project. There will hopefully be a second half-hour ready by Channukah in late December.  

Anyway, to the main business.... Last year I wrote a, er... missive in this greeting which was deliberately in the worst possible taste, in the style of a certain narcissistic would-be Generalissimo whom at the time was still a national joke - how could one resist the temptation? A few people thought it was truly offensive, so I'm going to do the only logical thing and send the exact same greeting again this year - with a MILD TRIGGER WARNING for those offended or disturbed by... pretty much whatever imaginable crudities one can surmise. This year, he's a bigger national joke than ever, but it isn't funny anymore. I can't bear the thought of writing yet another email in The Donald's voice and rising to what this 'historical hour' clearly demands, so in lieu of writing another jokey email about a would be dictator, I'm simply going to copy and paste the email last year so we can all marvel at the different (and no doubt more orange) hue which a year has given to this vulgar joke, which isn't nearly as far from reality as it was but a year ago. How tame this all now seems compared to reality...



All you Jewish Dummies out there,

I know it's your new year and you all have to celebrate like idiots, so instead of suing you for all your money after stealing mine because you're third rate hypocrites who never.apologized to me for the horrible job you did for me with your bad real estate tips and zero ability to get me out of bad Casino deals, I'm going to wish you a Happy New Year. Even though all you liberal clowns are third rate total losers. Your goofball leech race just uses me for publicity while you 'make' my money and then talk 'bull' about me with the media you control in between programming your hokey third-rate garbage against The Apprentice. 

But I"m willing to cut you all some slack if you're Jewish women, even though most of you pieces of ass could still use a good nose job. And I still don't hate you guys as much as I hate those ridiculous Chinese clowns and the Mexican dummies who steal the jobs I provide. So listen you Jewish motherfuckers, you like to win, so I'm gonna let you stay here, and when I'm president I'm gonna tax you only 25% more than everybody else, because it's only fair that a race that steals for us gives us our money back. 

And you're gonna show me Obama's birth certificate. Cuz I know you guys are behind that one too and let that Kenyan born loser get that office that should be mine. 

And then all you little short guys in Yamakas are gonna count my money all day. Penny by fuckin' penny so you know what a real rich guy looks like. And if you tab the sums wrong, I'm gonna stick ya where I stuck Rosie O'Donnell, and you don't wanna know where I stuck her... It's the same place I stuck Arianna Huffington and Hilary Clinton... 

And then I'm gonna build a shrine to your new God, Me. You're gonna bow down to my image. It's gonna be solid gold and a hundred stories high, cuz nobody builds better shrines than me: real classy. And then I'm gonna tax the rest of your money to build the wall to keep the Mexicans out, which you're gonna build, cuz I'm the motherfuckin' Pharoh and Moses rolled into one. 

Happy Fuckin' New Year,

Donald