Tuesday, July 3, 2012

800 Words: The Super-Secret Supreme Court Deliberation Transcript

The following is a transcript, provided to us only through the deaths of thousands of agents, from the super-secret, booby-trapped fortress of nonitude in the bowels of the Supreme Court building. It is a gigantic, super-secret stone room; not unlike like Westminster Hall in London, adorned with nine thrones, four of which are occupied by Supreme Court Justices Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito, and five of which are currently empty as Justices Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor, and Kagan are trapped in nets on the room’s floor next to their thrones. All justices are dressed in their courtroom robes.

Breyer: You’ll never get away with this Scalia!

Scalia: Oh but I already have! Don’t you see that without Obamacare, most people will only be free to choose between one health insurance plan and another which they cannot afford? People will either have to die or accrue massive personal debts to their providers which will then become the responsibility of their banks to repossess more assets than most people have, thereby forcing the federal government to bail them out yet again! I claim Obamacare as something not stipulated by the original constitution, but in fact I’ve done it only as a way to hold the power of the free market in the palm of my hand! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kagan: You’re mad! Mad I tell you! Mad!

Ginsburg: But that’s not the power of the free market. The free market means that banks should be allowed to fail. What you’re describing is socialism for the rich!

Alito: And that’s the genius of it. We tell everyone that an uninhibited free market is the American way and only a totally free market can function by itself, and when it fails, we simply say that the market wasn’t free enough! And then corporate hacks that bankrolled our early careers at thinktanks and foundations and give us millions of dollars worth of comped vacations for speaking tours can get more money from the government!

Sotomayor: You dastardly fiends!

Thomas: Indeed. And besides. That’s what HE wants.

Ginsburg: (squirming) Who’s he?

Scalia: (to Alito and Thomas) It’s time. (takes a remote control from out his pocket with a  single large button. Pushes the button and next to him rises Anthony Kennedy from beneath the floor)

All Four Liberal Justices: KENNEDY!

Sotomayor: It was you all along!

Kennedy: HA HA HA! Yes, I play the squishy swing vote justice for publicity’s sake, but it is I who make the absolutist civil libertarian argument that an individual mandate inhibits free choice! The American public should be free to make whatever shitty choices we provide them with! And if they die from lack of health care, then those morlocks should have thought of that before they elected Republican presidents in seven of the last eleven presidential elections!

Breyer: The American people aren’t morlocks!

Roberts: Sure they are! Look at section 5, line 197 of John Marshall’s majority opinion in Marbury vs. Madison. It says plainly, ‘The American People are Morlocks.”

 Kagan: No it doesn’t! Where did you study law?

Roberts: Harvard! The same place as you…or did I go to Yale? Anyway it’s one of the two places at which we all studied.

Ginsburg: I graduated from Columbia!

Everybody else: RETARD!

Kagan: The American people are not morlocks! I hereby summon the spirit of John Marshall to testify. Liberals, get out your rings!

(the four liberal justices take out their plastic Rings of Purposive Interpretation with giant red fiberglass jewels in the middle, put them on their left ring fingers and raise their left arms in the air)


(the spirit of John Marshall, or something that looks vaguely like David Souter in a powdered whig, appears on a giant television in a blueish, holographic tint)

Ghost of John Marshall: John Glover Roberts Junior! I am the spirit of Chief Justices Past, from John Jay to William Rhenquist, and we have been keepers of the greatest secret of all. It is time that you know the great secret of the American people: the American People are idiots, not morlocks! You must take solemn oath that you shall guard this secret until your dying breath. (starts fading away) Remember your oath! REMEMBER!!

(the hall echoes with John Marshall’s last word.)

Roberts: The American people are not morlocks? Well then everything I’ve ever known is wrong!

Scalia: No, no it’s right Roberts.

Roberts: All those years working as a private practice corporate shill, just because I thought that I was helping them make money off morlocks, not human beings!...

Alito: Please no, no, NOT LIKE THIS!

Roberts: If I vote to strike down the individual mandate by a 5-4 margin, I’ll be the chief justice who approved the early deaths of millions of American non-morlocks. I can’t let this happen. I switch my vote!


Scalia: You're not gonna melt, you’re just a drama queen.

Kennedy: WHAT A WORLD! (runs out of the room)

Scalia: I guess we should free the liberal justices now. No sense in lording it over them anymore.

Alito: You realize he's going straight to George Will to leak.

Scalia: Yeah, I guess that means our super-secret fortress days are over. We could probably make up the millions we'll lose in comped vacations and speaking tours by selling this room on e-bay. Anyhow, Clarence help me get the liberals out of these nets.

Clarence Thomas: Sure thing Nino. (whispering in Sotomayor’s ear): psst. I’m not wearing any pants!

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