Saturday, June 15, 2013

800 Words: The Cast of West Side Story - How They Died

Riff - Stabbed by Bernardo in the rumble underneath the highway.

Bernardo - Stabbed by Tony in the rumble underneath the highway.

Tony - Shot by Chino in the basketball court.

Chino - Beaten to death by prison guards twenty-eight years into his life without parole sentence at Sing-Sing.

Anita - Still alive, happily married to Pepe, having an affair with her grandson’s best friend.

Anybody’s - Impaled accidentally. Slipped on a Birkenstock she left in the middle of the living room and fell on a sports bra hanger.

Action - Still alive, became Bush White House aide.

Ice - Became a multi-millionaire by masterminding a 1980’s Wall Street Ponzi Scheme called 'Play It Cool Securities LLC.' Pushed out of his 50th floor office by his executive vice-president Bernie Madoff.

Baby John -  Married Maria. Eventually killed because of a hit put out by Chino from prison due to his divorcing Maria to marry Natalie Wood, whom he subsequently drowned on a boat.

Maria - Married Baby John to cover up that she was having Tony's baby, became a multi-millionaire by selling the rights to her life to United Artists - Baby John met Natalie Wood on the set and left her. She then used her money to fund the Cuban revolution and proceded to move to Bolivia to be near her one true love, Che Guevara. Whereabouts still unknown and #4 on the CIA most wanted list of freedom fighters in South America.

A-rab - Still alive. Stand-up comic trained for the borschtbelt but arrived just in time for the borschtbelt to disappear. Now makes his living playing to summer camps in Upstate New York and teaches a community college course called the 'Great Comedians and Gang Violence - from Shecky Green to Kanye West.'

Graziella - Broadway chorus girl who became a waitress. Shot at an audition by the director for singing a song from Rent.

Velma - Still alive. Marilyn Monroe impersonator who now moonlights by playing Joan from Mad Men.

Glad Hand - Shot in the late eighties at the inner city school after he quoted Perry Como lyrics to his students to give them inspiration. Student who was arrested called it a mercy killing.

Lieutenant Schrank - Demoted to traffic cop. Killed by Norman Bates after diagnosing him with Multiple Personality Disorder.

Doc - Died of a heart attack when he had a face to face with Dr. Zoidberg and realized they're the same person.

Officer Krupke - Choked on a donut during the 1968 riots.

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