AC Charlap: And now a glum lecture on the Second Iraq War of 2003 by Dr. Marvin Vitebsk, Director of the Yitzhak Shamir Foundation on Security Studies and editor-in-chief of the Shamir Foundation's journal - Middle East Defense Quarterly. He's also the Sheldon Adelson Senior Fellow in Media and Education Bias at the Jabotinsky Institute, the Director of International Anti-Israel Propaganda Rapid Response at the BenZion Netanyahu Foundation for Global Research, Second Executive Vice Chairman of the Kahane Committee on the Present Danger, Fourth Vice-Director of the Jesse Helms and Phyllis Schaffly Coalition for a Democratic Minority, Contributing Editor to magazines like Commentary, The Weekly Standard, The National Review, The New Criterion, Frontpage Magazine, The New American, The American Spectator, The American Conservative, The American Standard, and former fellow of the American Enterprise Institute before hitting Richard Perle over the head with a two-by-four. After getting an undergraduate degree in classics at the City College of New York which he paid for by becoming a janitor at the RAND Corporation and then leaking their documents to Maoist China, he then switched allegiances and got all charges dropped by producing visual film to Dean Rusk and Robert McNamara of hitting Zhou Enlai over the head with a two-by-four. Marvin then received two doctoral degrees at the University of Chicago. His first doctoral thesis, entitled Democracy: The American Weakness, was supervised by Allan Bloom. His second doctoral thesis - entitled The Benefits of Mutually Assured Destruction, was supervised by Albert Wohlfstetter. Both theses were published in abridged form as cover stories in Commentary Magazine. While at the University of Chicago, Dr. Vitebsk briefly gained national eminence in a case for which he was prosecuted for assaulting another University of Chicago student with what was misreported as a seven-by-sixteen. He assaulted this student because he advocated for peaceful resistance against capitalist oppression, the student's name was Bernard Sanders - after which he appeared in roundtable discussions on shows hosted by Mike Wallace, Edward R. Murrow, Keith McBee, David Brinkley, Walter Cronkite, and Dick Cavett. His period as a television personality ended however in 1978 when he hit the longtime AFL-CIO director George Meany on the air over the head with what was clearly a two-by-four. He then served as a distinguished congressional aide to Senator Scoop Jackson of Washington and briefly served as Deputy Chief of Staff to Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, until a fight with Moynihan's then Chief of Staff, Timothy Russert, ended with Dr. Vitebsk hitting Mr. Russert over the head with a plywood of indeterminate length. After the Iranian Revolution he made the cover of TIME Magazine for having been the only man in CIA employ to hit both Ayatollah Khomeni and Saddam Hussein over the head - the implement with which he did so however is still classified. After the fall of Communism, Dr. Vitebsk revealed him, though some have disputed his account, as having been the covert CIA assassin of both the brief-tenured Soviet Premieres Andropov and Chernenko, whose deaths the Soviets pretended were due to natural causes as a way of saving face in the international arena, and which enabled the rise of Mikhail Gorbachev and a new generation of Soviet leaders who believed in Glastnost and Perestroika. Once again, the implement with which he assassinated them is classified. Dr. Vitebsk now divides his time between Silver Spring and French Hill in East Jerusalem. We are pleased to have him here in this studio. Dr. Vitebsk.
Dr. Vitebsk: Yes, I'm going to begin this lecture by objecting in the most strenuous possible terms to Mr. Charlap's reference to East Jerusalem when in fact Jerusalem is the undisputed and undivided capital of an Israeli state whose borders go from the Mediterranean Sea to the Jordan River and include the entirety of the provinces of Judea and Samaria, which billions of antisemites still refer to as The West Bank and the Gaza Strip.
I have been told that my subject today is the Iraq War. How does one begin to talk of something of such existential importance to mankind? The Iraq War was, in fact, the still unresolved and ticking time bomb which is in effect holding the entire world hostage until we defeat it with unconditional victory. As my ex-friend Norman Podhoretz once said, it is prime battle front upon which World War IV was raged, twice in my opinion, the first being the Persian Gulf conflict which is properly called Operation Desert Storm in 1991, again in Operation Iraqi Freedom - which I will not dignify with the name that is generally used, and a third Iraqi conflict which will no doubt soon rage again.
You may notice that I say World War IV was raged, for there have not been two world wars, but four. The third was The Cold War, which the antisemitic media unfortunately sold to the United States as a war that could be waged without demanding millions of casualties from the American public at large. This is World War III and it is still ongoing. As a result, we now in 2016 have a still Communist China whose Communism should in fact have in fact been stopped by the President Truman in 1948. We had dozens of perfectly decent atomic bombs at our disposal and Stalin had just barely developed his. By my estimation we could have dropped three dozen atomic bombs on the Chinese mainland and Stalin's second strike capability was still such that he'd only have been able to retaliate by dropping three or four bombs on us. In fact, now that the Soviet Union is gone, the coming conflict with China which is long overdue should be referred to as World War V.
But World War IV is the war against Radical Islam; perhaps I should refer to it as World War VI, because we seem to have already lost World War IV. Actually, i would call it World War IX, but we will not get into the other three world wars. What is crucial is that the crisis of Islam's infiltration into the West cannot be more grave. It happens because 41% of Muslim countries experience civil war while only 27% of Christian countries experience it. Muslims have a 3.1 children birth rate per family while Christians have a 2.7 children birth rate per family. There are, in fact, 140,000 Islamic refugees from Syria coming to Germany alone this year, and Germany rejected only two thirds of their applicants for asylum. Once in Europe, the Muslims can take advantage of the handouts offered by the social welfare state. Muslims already make up 5.8% of the German population and 7.5% of the French population. By halfway through the millenium, they may constitute a majority of Europe's population.
Antisemitic western liberals like to explain away such things with condescending relativism, treating minorities like children and their differences as something to be celebrated and assimilated into our culture, whereas we are clearly the bastions of liberalism and tolerance, and therefore they must be forced to assimilate and adapt to our culture.
I have come up with a three point plan to strengthen liberal resolve. You can find elaboration upon it in a book entitled 'Spine: How to Close the Liberal Soul':
1. Antisemitic American and European liberals must be made to uphold the social order. I have infinite faith that the disasters coming to cosmopolitan cities like New York and London and Paris will strengthen liberal resolve. I worry however that the far greater death tolls from the political restrictions of a President like Donald Trump will distract liberals from Islam, the true threat in their midst.
2. Government must be shrunk and an ethic of personal responsibility must be facilitated and encouraged to take its place - and I have outlined the proposal for a government department of personal responsibility on the cabinet level that will have offices in every town in America. My antisemitic grandson who protests at rallies to stop the Israeli Occupation tells me that this is a contradiction in terms. He would
3. Antisemitic liberals must stop the crude patronization of minorities by insisting that their problems have reasons. Liberals like my third antisemitic ex-wife are, in fact, the true racists, whose programs merely benefit and improve and enrich the lives of impoverished minorities when what they should be doing is forcing minorities to conform to the standards of how to behave that the country sets for them.
This of course, necessitates a second plan, which is six points long. You can find an elaboration for this in my book: "Submit: Destroying Democracy to Rebuild It"
1. Because of intolerant tolerance of liberals, America is in the direst of crises. Confidence in its authorities is undermined, and because of that, any talk of reforming our institutions must take a back seat to upholding them. Authority must be re-established. While I may disagree with particular policies of a Trump administration, particularly its use of antisemitic propaganda, I am in fact overjoyed that a President has finally come along who will use the office of the Presidency to its fullest capacity, particularly against the coming demographic threat from Islam. American Muslims are now more than a full one percent of American residents, and by 2150 might constitute a full 2.5% of the American population. It would be a disaster for National Security - we would have to register every Muslim in this country and follow all of their whereabouts; though this would actually be good practice for World War XII.
2. Only a morally corrupt society questions authority. What ails the United States is not a decline of an economic system, but a decline of values. The individual in contemporary America has too many rights, and therefore uses its rights to pursue happiness. Traditional means of enforcing authority like religion and nationalism have been completely eroded by the counterculture. Just last month I was at a conference in Maine, and I went out to dinner with Abe Foxman and Marty Peretz, and while we were waiting for our Lobster Rolls we all agreed that religion particularly was of paramount importance to enforcing societal norms. Without a God to tell us what to do, what is there to stop us from making our own choices?
3. God must drain the swamp of the counterculture, and we must be the gods. The biggest mistake this country ever made was the formation of the middle class - and the middle class is a spoiled class of children. Every subsection of the Middle Class is concerned with its own subsection of issues: their racial and sexual and gender and antisemitic identities and the rights that are due them rather than their responsibilities to their country. A much smaller and more respectable middle class will divert the attention of people back to the issues that truly matter - like the poverty to which the Trump Administration will soon acquaint them.
4. We must lower people's expectations of what government and life can do. The more they expect, the more they will protest, and protesting is the first and greatest sign of a decadent and antisemitic society that undermines confidence in its institutional authority. Institutional authority exists to be revered, not to be used. A government that doesn't do anything can never be criticized.
5. An intellectual is not an expert, and government should never be administered by experts on their subjects. Particularly by intellectual experts, whose knowledge of the subject is suspect in its select and subjective antisemitism. What is needed is government by a pliable head of state of subaverage intelligence, who can then be molded by a philosophical elite of intellectuals with sufficient morals.
6. In order to create this philosophical elite, we must rid ourselves of the pestilence of these antisemitic, fascist, authoritarian, totalitarian university professors who corrupt even our best minds with radical antisemitic theories of social change, and we must do so by firing them all immediately without so much as a hearing about their competence. They have, furthermore, banished conservatives like me and most of my enemies from campus life, and conservative intellectuals unfortunately have to content themselves with jobs in think tanks, corporate consultancies at three times the salary of traditional academics, articles for conservative magazines underwritten by spectacular endowments, paid international vacations to meet with right-wing leaders around the world, and astronomical speaking fees at conservative retreats. We conservative thinkers truly live in a tragic state of affairs.
And the way to drain this liberal countercultural swamp can be found in three points, elaborated in my book: "Filth: Why the Middle Class Must Die"
1. The reason being that once the antisemitic middle class is fully part again of the working class, their concerns will be no different from the working class. I am heartened to see that Donald Trump, for all his vulgar superficialities, seems to agree with me about the necessity of destroying the Middle Class, and even if I take issue with certain statements of his aide Steve Bannon, I must say that I find him to be a very sympathetic person on the whole, and not at all antisemitic.
2. Individual merit is the most precious thing in the world. Therefore, inherited wealth must be maintained at all costs. It would be a shame if wealthy mediocrities would stop running this country, because the antisemitic leaders of this country would be too intelligent to be molded by the virtuousness of the philosophical elite.
3. While the government should be perfectly docile in its management of domestic affairs, it must root out moral corruption abroad, lest their corruption contaminate us. The main purpose of government is destroy monsters abroad, because if we do not, their moral swamp will become ours, and we will have to rid ourselves of the antisemitic middle class and their antisemitic vices all over again.
4. In addition to Republican politicians of inherited privilege, the ranks of these philosophical elites must consist of traditional Democratic liberal hawks as the Democratic party was from the time of Franklin Roosevelt to Hubert Humphrey, and traditional union leaders like Leon Bates, George Meany, Walter Reuther, and Philip Randolph. All four of whom I've stabbed in bar fights.
All this is just a prelude to talking about the Iraq War of 2003, which I still believe is the most important battlefront in World War IV, or, in actuality, World War IX as there are three other world wars I have not yet even spoken of.
Charlap: Dr. Vitebsk I'm sorry to interrupt but we really have to...
Vitebsk: DIE YOU ANTISEMITIC FILTH!
(hits Charlap with two-by-four, two loud thunks, one from the blow, one from an unconscious Charlap hitting the floor)