I would like very much to write again, but the feelings are still too raw, the shock too great, the perception of reality too tenuous. It still feels like he's here. 

...this is gonna be raw. Stop reading if you don't like exhibitionist display.

I will never see the giant who dominated my life again. I don't know how others feel when they lose their parents, but I still haven't figured out how to grieve except awareness that there is an enormous void where once was a planet around which I revolved. He was my worst enemy, he was my best friend, he was my greatest and my worst teacher. He was the man who succeeded by every traditional metric life threw at him, and I was his outside the nine dots son who oI will never see the giant who dominated my life again. I don't know how others feel when they lose their parents, but I still haven't figured out how to grieve except awareness that there is an enormous void where once was a planet around which I revolved. He was my worst enemy, he was my best friend, he was my greatest and my worst teacher. He was truly the most devoted father imaginable, he was also the most controlling, willing to do literally anything for his son except let go of him. He was the man who succeeded by every traditional metric life threw at him, and I was his outside the nine dots son who only thrived in alternative environments. Alternate sorts of people were the only thing about life he didn't understand, and because he didn't understand them, he disapproved of us all. He was the father whose approval I always doubted, and I was the son whose love he always doubted. Even as we joked around for part of every day, there was part of the day when we strongly suspected we were hated by the other. To me, he was both a god and a demon. There was not a single development about which I did not know every detail of his opinion, either about my life or anyone else's. We were enmeshed, inseparable even when neither of us wanted to be. We loved each other dearly, but neither of us could ever be what the other wanted. When it was great, it was fantastic. When it wasn't, it was awful. He was so much more than the public comedian. He affected cynicism about people's ambitions and successes, but he craved the world's approval as much as anyone I've ever met. He went to comically distant lengths to conceal the true extent of his success and intelligence. In private he was the most formidable man whose abilities and work ethic commanded awe to anyone who saw them, and he took it very personally when his eldest son could never command anything like the same awe. I will forever feel unworthy next to him. He was everything in my life. What is my life without him?nly thrived in alternative environments. Alternate sorts of people were the only thing about life he didn't understand, and because he didn't understand them, he disapproved of their very existence. He was the father whose approval I always doubted, and I was the son whose love he always doubted. He would do literally anything for his son except let go of him. Even as we joked around for part of every day, there was part of the day when we strongly suspected we were hated by the other. To me, he was both a god and a demon. There was not a single development about which I did not know every detail of his opinion, either about my life or anyone else's. We were enmeshed, inseparable even when neither of us wanted to be. We loved each other dearly, but neither of us could ever be what the other wanted. When it was great, it was fantastic. When it wasn't, it was awful. He was so much more than the public comedian. He went to enormous lengths to conceal the true extent of his success and intelligence, but in private he was the most formidable man whose abilities and work ethic commanded awe in everyone who saw it, and he took it very personally when his eldest son could not command anything like the same awe. I will forever feel unworthy next to him. He was everything in my life. What is my life without him?