Nixon - Sad man with a Welsh accent becomes important politician.
Synedoche, New York - In case Adaptation wasn't self-absorbed enough.
La Vie en Rose - Edith Piaff lived a hard life but made some nice music.
Atonement - A masterpiece of English literature turned into a romantic weeper.
Syriana - An Arab ruler wants modernize the region. Always works out well.
Master and Commander - Meticulous adherence to period decor apparently includes Russell Crowe’s overexposed chest.
A Beautiful Mind - "Love is the equation that lets me be." Apparently this is appropriate for a Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech.
American Splendor - Harvey Pekar has a sad life. How adorable.
Pollock - Artist dude makes good art. Self-destructs.
Elizabeth - Historical fiction, with an ATTITUDE!
Happiness - People are fucked up. Reeeeaaally fucked up. I mean, look at'em! They're reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaallly fucked up.
Natural Born Killers - Serial killers are fun! Wait, they're not? Well how about I give the audience vertigo to distract them?
The Piano - A movie for people who find turtles erotic.
Unforgiven - Some people are just natural assholes.
Chariots of Fire - Some people like to run.
Reds - Communism killed 200 million people. But they threw some kick-ass parties!
Kagemusha - Swords! Samurais! Battle Scenes!
Blowup - Reality is only what you want to see, which is obviously girl-on-girl action.
The Thin Red Line - War is apparently the boringest thing EVER.
Garden State - Hollywood's airbrushed version of New Jersey. Even more irritating than the real thing.
Finding Neverland - Guy takes kids to play in a fantasy world full of magical magicness. Nobody calls child protective services.
Sexy Beast - Ben Kingsley plays obnoxious dude, apparently the role of his career.
The Reader - Kate Winslet plays naked Nazi.
Ghost World - Are our lives really that pathetic? Apparently, yes.
Closer - Other people's sex games are not that interesting to other people.
Being John Malkovich - Oh we're just soooo clever...
Shine - Guy with musical talent gets exploited by family, then exploited by new family.
Full Metal Jacket - Vietnam f*cks you up.
Inherit the Wind - GIMME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION!
Stanley Kramer - Look at me! I'm so progressive!
Olivier Hamlet - LOOK AT ME GIELGUD! I'M PLAYING HAMLET!
The Magnificent Ambersons - Maybe the studio execs had a point...
Oliver Stone - IIIIII AM THE HOMER OF THE 60'S!