Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Movies Everybody Loves but Me

2001: A Space Odyssey - Nothing will change the fact that this movie is built around a GIANT F!@#ING SQUARE!


L'Avventura - The boredom symbolizes the meaningless of our lives. I'd rather watch Married with Children.

Rashamon - Things look different to different people. That's the whole movie.

Ran - King Lear, by John Ford.

12 Angry Men - Liberalism. YAY!

Adaptation - My boring life is SO INTERESTING!

Babel - We all need to love one another. Let's watch kids die.

Dr. Strangelove - The A-Bomb will kill us all. Peter Sellers is so funny.

Easy Rider - We're the next step up the evolutionary...wow man, fingers are weird.

The Grapes of Wrath - Great Depression sucked.

JFK - Guy who almost incinerated the whole world was killed by his government!

Last Tango in Paris - Pay to see stuff you can watch for free on youporn. Without Marlon Brando ranting about pigshit and vomit.

Lawrence of Arabia - SAND! GLORIOUS SAND!

Magnolia - Everything in the world happens for a reason. FROGS!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves - HOW CAN YOU HATE DISNEY???? YOU'RE EEEEEVIL!

West Side Story - Greatest, rawest musical of ever made becomes a Technicolor extravaganza!

A Clockwork Orange - Rape is so funny. How dare they try to change the personality of a rapist!

Kenneth Branagh Hamlet - GO LAERTES!

Wings of Desire - Angels hear and influence our thoughts. Our thoughts are incredibly pretentious.

Shawshank Redemption - Friendship is awesome!

Spaghetti Westerns - Preserve an American tradition in embalming fluid!

Memento - Backwards. Whooooaaa! Tattoos! Double Whoooaaaa!

The Matrix - Save yourself a dollar and take Dark City out of the Redbox.

Se7en - What gruesome way of murdering someone is he gonna do next?!?!?

American Beauty - $10 million a year movie stars tell us what's wrong with the middle class.

Amelie - Awww. She's so cute! And so whimsical!

Requiem for a Dream - Drugs are bad.

Das Boot - Being on a submarine sucks.

Reservoir Dogs - Violence is soooo awesome!

Life is Beautiful - Auschwitz. What a great place to learn life lessons.

Braveheart - Rent Rob Roy.

Inglourius Basterds - Ew!... They're Nazis. It's ok.

Gladiator - Who knew the Roman Empire had so much social mobility?

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - Never give up on your principles!!!! But I'm just trying to compro...YOU'RE NOT FIT TO LIVE!

No Country for Old Men - Wow. That guy's eeeeevil.

Snatch - British accents. They're weird.

Donnie Darko - Adolescence sucks. Being a schizo teenager sucks worse. Being a schizo teenager whose visions are real sucks still worse. Being a schizo movie sucks most.

There Will Be Blood - And there is.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - Newman and Redford. So handsome. So charming. Wait...this is a movie?

Avatar - Look mom. James Cameron made another toy!

In Bruges - Gangsters bicker.

Tim Burton - Let's relive my childhood! Again!

Stanley Kubrick - Can the machines please just take over already?!

Spirited Away - Weird things are weird.

Ben-Hur - Charlton Heston's jaw is very square.

The Usual Suspects - Verbal Kint is Kaiser Soze! Soooo............

Fahrenheit 9/11 - George Bush is bad. Wait, he's really bad enough that I don't have to make shit up???

Fellowship of the Ring - There's a monster! There's another monster! And another monster!

The Lady from Shanghai - Everybody's evil but Orson Welles!

Shaun of the Dead - Zombies don't do anything. But they're awesome!

Dances With Wolves - Let's go back to pre-industrial world with its pre-industrial mortality rates!

Cabaret - Berlin is going to the Nazis. Let's have kinky sex (musical's better).


The Natural - In the book he strikes out.

Frank Capra - America's a magical place. Not for everyb....SHUT UP!

John Ford - How the West was Won, by a Maine WASP.

The Exorcist - Little girl acts like a bitch. Scaaaaary.

* The opposite, movies I like which nobody else does, involves real thought. Each deserves a post/essay in their own right. This is faster :).


  1. So it makes me very, very happy to see In Bruges there. Tell me again why everybody LUVED it??

  2. We live in an age when directors tell their audiences flat out that the director is superior to them. If anyone pays to see a director do that (sadly, myself included), the director's pronouncement is clearly true.