Bret Baier: My name is Brett Baier moderating for Fox News. I’m a robot assembled from botox and toupees weaved in private prisons to look like the perfect Middle America anchorman.
Chris Wallace: I’m Chris Wallace. Remember Mike Wallace from 60 Minutes? I’m his right-wing Muppet son.
Megyn Kelly: I’m Megyn Kelly, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, and I want to tell you about Viagra.
(audience of angry geezers gives big cheer)
Megyn Kelly: Here are all ten of our candidates standing awkwardly on the stage assembled in the polls from top to bottom.
Donald Trump: Well I know where on the poll I’d like to have you…
Megyn Kelly: I’ll show you if I belong on your poll in a minute.
Bret Baier: Is there anyone on stage, and can I see hands, who is not willing to pledge their support to the eventual Republican nominee or not to run an independent campaign?
(Trump raises middle finger, audience boos)
Donald Trump: Oh you love it! You love it!
Bret Baier: An independent run would hand the race over to the Democrats and the Clintons. Can you really not make that pledge?
(Trump raises other middle finger. Audience changes its mind and cheers him.)
Donald Trump: Lemme tell ya somethin’. You’re gonna love me as President. I’m gonna buy out the Republican party and then I’m gonna tear down that loser White House and put up a giant building in the shape of a fucking elephant. The Oval Office’ll be bigger and we’ll put it right in its ass.
Rand Paul: This is what he does! He buys and sells politicians of all stripes!
Donald Trump: And that’s exactly what your dipshit guru Ayn Rand tells me to do!
Megyn Kelly: My first question is for Ben Carson. Dr. Carson, you’re not a politician. You’re a brain surgeon, and it’s absolutely clear that you are the political equivalent to a cerebral hemorrhage. How do you expect to learn enough about politics to be President by 2017?
Ben Carson: Of course I can. My first job was as a human quaalude. You think being that sedated comes naturally to anybody?
Megyn Kelly: But don’t you have to learn information to be President?
Ben Carson: The most important thing to be President is to have a brain, and I’m very very good at cutting brains up.
Chris Wallace: Senator Rubio. Why should I tell every billionaire to give their money to you rather than Jeb Bush?
Marco Rubio: I have absolutely nothing of substance to say, but look at my cherubically boyish face that reminds you of your youth offset by my subtle combover that assures you of my experience.
Chris Wallace: Works for me…
Marco Rubio: One more thing! How is Hllary Clinton going to lecture me about student loan debt? Four years ago, I was a hundred thousand dollars in debt! But then I got campaign funds and I used them to pay off my personal debt.
Megyn Kelly: Isn’t that wrong?
Marco Rubio: No, I’m just too stupid to understand finance.
Bret Baier: Governor Bush. You have insisted that you’re own man and not your brother or your father. But nobody believes you.
Jeb Bush: I’m my own man. In Florida they called me Jeb.
Bret Baier: What the fuck does that even mean?
Jeb Bush: I don’t even know. Karl Rove told me to say it. Here, I’ll level with you. This has nothing to do with my Dad or my brother. All of this was my mother’s idea, from the Bush dynasty to contesting the 2000 election to Iran-Contra. She held the Bush twins hostage until W promised to run, now she’s threatening to get my Mexican wife Columba deported!
Megyn Kelly: Mr. Trump, everybody knows how you’ve referred to women. Would it be fair to say that you hate wo….
Donald Trump: Only Rosie O’Donnell!
Megyn Kelly: You told one contestant on Celebrity Apprentice that it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees.
(one woman in the audience cackles … … that really happened...)
Megyn Kelly: How will you face Hillary Clinton and convince America that you’re not part of the War on Women?
Donald Trump: I’m great with women! We need to win in this country, and I’ll bet you any amount of money Megyn Kelly that by the fourth debate we’re gonna do it on stage.
Chris Wallace: My question is for Senator Cruz. You’ve been called a fascist waste of space who will never be our president but might be our dictator. … … ...
Ted Cruz: That’s not a question.
Chris Wallace: I know … … …
Ted Cruz: Look. If you want another liberal whimp like Reagan or George W. Bush, go ahead and vote for these other chickenshits. But blood alone moves the wheels of history, and I will grind all your bones into dust.
Chris Wallace: ... Inspiring words Senator Cruz. Truly.
Bret Baier: Governor Christie, you have reduced the State of New Jersey’s economy to a smouldering wasteland. … Can you please tell us more about how you did it so that other Republican governors can do the same?
Chris Christie: Well really Bret, it’s pretty simple. I cut 800 different social programs in New Jersey to a nub and reduced the tax and spending increases that my Democratic predecessors put into place before they had a chance to bolster the economy. Really, destroying an economy is the simplest thing in the world, you just have to want to do it really badly.
Megyn Kelly: I have a followup question. You also want to send Senator Paul to Guantanamo if we get hit by another terrorist attack. Do you really mean that?
Chris Christie: Yes I do. I’m a prosecutor, and all this Donald Trump shit is making me wanna hit somebody. I was supposed to be the fucking bully!!!
Rand Paul: Why do you hate the 4th Amendment Governor! Warrents for arrest is what we fought the Revolution over!
(Christie goes over to Paul, sits on Senator Paul)
Rand Paul: Oh you’re going to try to hug me like you did President Obama?!
Chris Christie: NNNIIIIINE-ELEVENNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
Megyn Kelly: Governor Walker. You want to make abortion illegal, even in cases of rape, incest, and mother’s endangerment. Do you really want the mothers to die rather than have an abortion?
Scott Walker: What’s so hard to understand about my position? I’m pro-life. I want the babies to live and the mothers to die.
(audience erupts in cheers)
Scott Walker: We have to get rid of the women in this country before they give more funding to Planned Parenthood!
(audience cheers even louder)
Chris Wallace: Governor Huckabee, like Governor Walker, you’re nuttiness on social issues is truly worthy of praise. Unfortunately, most of the country is quite a bit saner on those issues. How do you propose to drive Independents and Democrats as crazy as you are?
Mike Huckabee: We are going to invoke the 14th and 5th amendments for unborn babies - giving them equal protection to babies already born and giving them due process under the law when these unborn infants have to stand trial.
(audience gasps in marvel at his brilliance)
Mike Huckabee: Did you know that the parts of aborted babies are ripped up and sold on the black market like Buicks? … … … … … … … ...
Megyn Kelly: I think he’s talking about Stem Cell research….
Donald Trump: ...I bought a Buick on the black market last week just to snort cocaine off the dashboard.
Mike Huckabee: Another another thing everybody. Social Security would work if we had a flat rate that made the pimps, the prostitutes, the junkies, and the illegals just paid in.
Megyn Kelly: I think you’re making the solution to Social Security’s problems sound much easier to find than it is.
Mike Huckabee: Who cares? Social security is just easy money anyway.
Bret Baier: Senator Paul, you have repeatedly criticized the Republican Party on foreign policy and shown rare glimpses of the kind of sanity we all discourage. Why do you want to show us up?
Rand Paul: Because it would be so easy to make better solutions. Let me just give one obvious example, we could stop Isis tomorrow if we just stopped funding their allies. It would be so simple to…
Bret Baier: (interrupts) I’m being instructed to threaten you to go back to hawking your stupid Libertarian crap or else we’re going to cut to commercial.
Megyn Kelly: Governor Kasich. You invoked God in order to save the poor by expanding social programs, and consequently destroyed every talking point the Republican party ever had.
John Kasich: President Reagan increased social programs three or four times. I would rather have people suffer less than cut spend....
(Megyn Kelly points gun at Gov. Kasich)
Megyn Kelly: That’s enough about that Governor. But I’ll ask you one more question. You also invoked God to explain your opposition to Gay Marriage but how would you explain your opposition to them if they were gay.
John Kasich: Because God loves them and I would love them too if they were gay. God asks us to love all his creations, no matter what their sins or flaws, and they’re my children. I will always love them, even as I’m fulfilling my biblical obligation to stoning them to death.
Megyn Kelly: So you’d stone your children?
John Kasich: And it breaks my heart...