(broadcast begins with CNN asshat expensive graphics along with pompous music, cut to Jake Tapper)
Jake Tapper: Welcome to CNN’s Presidential Debate at Ronald Reagan’s Presidential Library in California. I’m the moderator, Jake Tapper, and I’ll be joined on our moderator team by our sane but bland chief political correspondent Dana Bash, and certified Catholic nut, Hugh Hewitt. It’s all the same candidates as last time, plus Carly Fiorina, the failed CEO of Hewlett Packard who is here so that Republicans don’t have to admit they’re waging war on women. But if any of the men in the audience feel threatened by a woman’s presence on this stage, don’t worry. Look behind the candidates, behind them is the gigantic and throbbingly phallic plane Ronald Reagan used as Air Force One.
Dana Bash: It truly is breathtaking.
Jake Tapper: The point of this debate is to get candidates to talk with each other, argue with each other, fight with each other. You never know: Donald Trump might take his dick out, or maybe Ted Cruz will take a dump right on the stage.
Ted Cruz: I did have ribs this evening.
Jake Tapper: I’d like to start this by giving everyone five seconds to introduce themselves in one sentence. Senator Paul?
Ron Paul: I’m so much like all of you out there that you’d never guess that I want to put ideas in place that will cause another Great Depression.
Mike Huckabee: I want to suck up to Trump so I can be his Vice-Presidential nominee.
Marco Rubio: I love Ronald Reagan and brought my own water.
Ted Cruz: Fear my wrath. Fear it.
Ben Carson: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
Donald Trump: America doesn’t win anymore. I win. I’m gonna beat America.
Jeb Bush: I want to create an America where people in this country can have better lives again after my brother made them worse.
Scott Walker: America needs a leader that is big and bold, but watching me is like watching paint dry.
Carly Fiorina: I take a Dale Carnegie course every year and ace it every time.
John Kasich: Back when I was a congressman, Ronald Reagan and I flew together in this peni…. plane… er... shining city on a hill, thousand points of light, I am not a crook, forty acres and a mule, hope Americans, unify like such as the Iraq…
Chris Christie: Take the camera off me. Please. I’m fat because Barack Obama makes me stress eat. Doesn’t he make you stress eat too?
Jake Tapper: Ms. Fiorina. You have suggested that Donald Trump is dangerous, a hothead entertainer who should not have his finger on the nuclear button.
Carly Fiorina: Mr. Trump is a great entertainer, and a great businessman.
Donald Trump: Actually I’d have eight billion dollars more if I’d have just left my inheritance from my father alone.
Carly Fiorina: Still, you have a much better business record than I do. I just wonder if you have the right temperament to be President.
Donald Trump: I have a great temperament, I’m very calm and agreeable. And fuck Rand Paul!!!
Rand Paul: Your maturity level was arrested in Jr. High School, Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: Say that a little closer to me Mr. Shitpants.
Jake Tapper: While you’re this mad, I want to redirect you to Governor Bush.
(Jeb Bush immediately looks absolutely terrified)
Jake Tapper: Governor Bush you told me last week that...
Jeb Bush: (interrupts) ...That was a secret!
Jake Tapper: I was interviewing you on a live broadcast.
Jeb Bush: Nobody’s watched CNN in twenty-five years! I thought we were just talking as friends!
Jake Tapper: Be that as it may, you called Donald Trump an unserious candidate. Mr. Trump, how will you respond to that?
Donald Trump: What the fuck do I care? His family bought two presidencies already and now they don’t even have the money to buy it for him while I’m here. I’m the motherfucking Pharaoh and you’re all gonna bow down.
Jake Tapper: Governor Bush, how do you respond?
Jeb Bush: The voters determine who our Pharaoh is. But don’t we need someone with the experience that comes from being in the Royal Family?
Jake Tapper: Mr. Trump, how do you respond?
Donald Trump: I just wanna say…
Scott Walker: Wait a minute! I have a great line!... wait… how does it go…. oh yeah “We don’t need another apprentice in the White House, we already have one!” Whew, glad I made it though that.
Donald Trump: Yeah, well your state lost more than two billion dollars.
Scott Walker: That’s not true. And you filed for bankruptcy four times.
Donald Trump: That’s a lie.
Jake Tapper: Both your accusations are true you lying pieces of filth.
John Kasich: Can’t we all just get along?
Donald Trump: Fuck off boyscout.
Jake Tapper: This is getting really volatile. Let’s talk about something a little more trivial. Senator Paul, you admitted to smoking marijuana in high school.
Rand Paul: Of course I did. So did other people on this stage.
Jeb Bush: He’s talking about me. I smoked it too forty years ago. (loud boom offstage and scream). Sorry everybody, that was the sound of my mother shooting my wife in the leg.
Jake Tapper: OK, that attempt to calm things down didn’t work. Let’s change the direction again, this time I’ll ask something to Dr. Carson, whose voice is so soothing that he can reassuringly lead this country straight into the apocalypse. Dr. Carson, you said that professional politicians lie.
Ben Carson: Did I?
Jake Tapper: Yes.
Ben Carson: Wow, that would be the first true statement I’ve made since the campaign began.
Jake Tapper: You also said that since you’re not a politician, it enables you to tell the truth. Is that true?
Ben Carson: Absolutely.
Jake Tapper: But you’ve lied about everything!
Ben Carson: Yeah, but if I wanted to tell the truth, I could.
Carly Fiorina: It’s true. Politicians operate in an eco-system which requires them to lie all the time. That’s why you should vote for outsiders like us, because you know exactly how mendacious our characters are.
Jake Tapper: That’s a legitimate point. Governor Bush, Mr. Trump said that your having to raise $100 million dollars from wealthy donors makes you a puppet for your donors. Are you a puppet?
(Jake Tapper looks up, Jeb Bush is crawling on the floor next to his podium.)
Jake Tapper: Governor Bush?
Jeb Bush: Sorry. My ear-piece fell out.
Jake Tapper: Are you serious?
Jeb Bush: (stands up) Look. The Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson don’t tell me everything about what I do. Donald Trump wanted Casino gambling in Florida. I said no.
Donald Trump: That’s utter fucking bullshit. I could get you to blow me in two seconds if I offered you enough money!
Jeb Bush: You can’t buy me! I can’t be bought by American businessmen.
Rand Paul: What about Saudi businessmen?
(CIA agents immediately come onstage, put Rand Paul in a hood and abscond off-camera with him)
Jake Tapper: Ms. Fiorina. Donald Trump recently said that you’re a fugly slut who’s still trying to make ‘Fetch’ happen. What do you think of him?
Carly Fiorina: I think Regina George had better hair.
(audience goes wild)
Jake Tapper: As a last question, which woman would you want to put on the $10 bill?
Rand Paul: (from offstage in undisclosed location) Ayn Rand. Duh.
Mike Huckabee: My wife. But I hate her.
Marco Rubio: As your president I’ll put the picture of the $10 bill on sale.
Ted Cruz: Nurse Ratched
Jeb Bush: My mother obviously.
Carly Fiorina: I’m not going to shamelessly pander to women as though they’re a special interest. They’re not my target audience anyway.
John Kasich: Imelda Marcos
Chris Christie: Wendy from Born to Run
Scott Walker: What are women?