Friday, May 22, 2020

Swamley Needs a Project - Part 1

Rabbi Swamley: Nu? All dese workaholics, dey doing de writing, de music, dey making videos, and you, you just sit on de toches doing bupkes.

AC Charlap (also known as Evan Tucker): I'm not doing bupkes, I'm trying to think of things to write very hard.

Rabbi Swamley: You're not tinking of dreck! You're eating ice cream and machting starts on fifteen tings so you dun have to do one ting.

AC Charlap: And what have you done with all this time?

Rabbi Swamley: Me? Vat I'm supposed to do? I'm just a Rabbi mit no vork!

AC Charlap: You're in public service and caregiving profession! You should should be volunteering all over Baltimore! Making an example for the entire local community!

Rabbi Swamley: I tried, nobody vants me to volunteer?

AC Charlap: Did you even ask?

Rabbi Swamley: I asked two places. Dey trew me out!

AC Charlap: Are those the places you used to volunteer at where you came home with the black eye because you kept telling the other volunteers they were doing it wrong?

Rabbi Swamley: (shouts) Dey vere doing it wrong! I'm supposed to just let dem serve food mitout making dem make deh homeless say tank you for vat ve're doing fa dem?

Charlap: Wait a minute, so you got banned from volunteering at a soup kitchen because you were trying to make the other volunteers make the homeless people thank them for things which they were doing to serve them.

Rabbi Swamley: Nu? Vat's wrong mit vat I did! Dey should be grateful ve help dem!

Charlap: So in order to make the homeless more grateful to the volunteers you yell at the volunteers.

Rabbi Swamley: Yeh! Vat's tzu understand?

Charlap: (Takes a moment to understand what he's hearing) Did it ever occur to you that they are not doing this for the gratitude?

Rabbi Swamley: Nu! If dey don't get deh gretitude dey got better tings to do mit deir time!

Charlap: Well isn't that their choice rather than yours?

Rabbi Swamley: Nu? It is deir choice! But vy can't I give my opinion about deir choices?!?

Charlap: What kind of nut are you?!

Rabbi Swamley: You're deh fucking nut! You have deh poifect opportunity to do tings and you hevn't ton bupkes!

AC Charlap: Shut the fuck up Swamley. You get all your kicks from criticizing anybody else so you don't have to do anything.

Swamley: I do tings! Vat I do is criticize!

AC Charlap: That's what you do!?!?!?

Swamley: Vy you getting mad? All I do is say my opinion!

Charlap: Fuck you Swamley.

Swamley: Vat I do? All I say is de truth Charlap! You ain't done dreck 'nd whose mit deh surprise about it?

Charlap: You are, without a doubt, the most loathesome, disgusting, repulsive human being anyone has ever met!

Swamley: How cen you say dat?! I'm a fuckin' Rabbi and I help people everyvere!

Charlap: How have you ever helped anyone in your life?!

Swamley: By criticizing dem!

Charlap: Your criticism helps them?

Swamley: Mitout deh criticism dey wouldn't know vat dey doing wrong.

Charlap: Get out of my house.

Swamley: You cen't trow me out!

Charlap: Watch me.

Swamley: I gonna call deh cops.

Charlap: The cops stopped taking your calls remember?

Swamley: So? Is dat my fault?

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