Beginning of a Dear Dad

 It was Father's Day yesterday. It's been ten months. I'm finally in Kubler-Ross's depression phase. It's not a major depression, just a minor creep on where you realize these 43 volumes of memories is just a memory now. No matter how grief materializes, you're here, and yet you'll never be here again.

The last year has been a daze, I'm realizing it's whizzed by because I've basically spent it on ChatGPT and Gemini. It still feels like you passed yesterday. They warn you all the time how complex grief is, but you have no idea until you experience it. It's a 31,000 flavored palette where every experience is experienced anew amid absence's black hole.

When it happened I was in love; for better or worse, your sudden death didn't hit me yet for a while. But as that relationship fades, you become ever more present. Denial can take many, many forms, and I feel like I experienced them all this year, but I think the mourning has genuinely started in the last few weeks.

You weren't just a person, you were a planet: a gravitational orbit so dense that there was no defining me outside of how Dad defined me. There was no defining the world outside of how Dad defined the world. You were ever

Orchestra Fantasy League

 Please don't ask me how long I spent on this and how it distracted me from the rest of my life. I'm still not satisfied with it, but there is one lesson from it that is more important than anything else...

STAY OFF CHATGPT!

Philadelphia:

Leopold Stokowski 1912-36

Albert Coates 1936-51

Charles Munch 51-66

Constantin Silvestri 66-81 (ideally)

Franco Ferrara 81-94 (ideally)

Yuri Temirkanov 94-09

Giuseppe Sinopoli 09-19 (ideally)

Tugan Sokhiev 19-

Met:

Erich Kleiber 33-55

Ferenc Fricsay 55-70 (ideally)

Thomas Schippers 70-85 (ideally)

Gary Bertini 85-2000

Christoph von Dohnanyi 00-10

Kirill Petrenko 10-25

Vladimir Jurowski 25-

Manhattan Opera Company

Fritz Busch 1933-51

Rudolf Kempe 51-66

Colin Davis 66-81

Rudolf Kempe 81-84

Istvan Kertesz 84-96

Donald Runnicles 96-11

Philippe Jordan 11-26

Antonello Manacorda 26-

WQXR Symphony New York

Otto Klemperer 1945-60

Guido Cantelli 60-84 Bernard Haitink 84-94

James Levine 95-10

Donald Runnicles 10-25

Mirga Grazynte-Tyla 25-

Lyric Opera Chicago

Josef Krips 54-69

James Levine 70-95

James Conlon 95-10

Antonio Pappano 10-25

Speranza Scapucci 25-

New York City Opera

Victor de Sabata 33-45

Franco Ferrara 45-68

Giuseppe Patane 68-83

Riccardo Muti 83-98

Daniele Gatti 89-2013

Gianandrea Noseda 13-28

Michele Mariotti 28-

NBC Symphony:

Arturo Toscanini 37-54

Erich Kleiber 55-70 (ideally)

Ferenc Fricsay 70-79 (ideally)

Michael Gielen 79-89

Charles Mackerras 89-99

David Zinman 99-2014

Riccardo Chailly 14-24

Kirill Petrenko 2025-

Boston:

Serge Koussevitzky 1924-49

Dmitri Mitropoulos 49-64 (ideally)

Jascha Horenstein 64-79 (ideally)

Ferenc Fricsay 79-89 (ideally)

Michael Gielen 89-2004

Simon Rattle 2004-2019

Jonathan Nott 2019-

Brooklyn Philharmonic:

Walter Hendl 55-80

Dennis Russell Davies 80-95

Oliver Knussen 95-2005

Gil Rose 2005-2020

Tito Munoz 2020-

Los Angeles Philharmonic:

Leopold Stokowski 1936-62

Andre Previn 62-77

Lorin Maazel 77-92

Esa-Pekka Salonen 92-2005

Gustavo Dudamel 05-20

Joana Mallwitz 20-

CBS Symphony of Los Angeles:

Pierre Monteux 1935-52

Carlo Maria Giulini 52-67

Georges Pretre 67-82

Ataulfo Argenta 82-97 (ideally)

Marcello Viotti 97-12 (ideally)

Riccardo Muti 12-27

Roberto Gonzalez-Monjas 27-

Los Angeles Opera:

Alexander Smallens 1928-49

Alfred Newman 49-64

Zubin Mehta 64-79

Thomas Schippers 79-94

John Mauceri 94-2009

Kent Nagano 09-24

John Wilson 24-

San Francisco Opera:

Alexander von Zemlinsky 1933-48

Hans Rosbaud 1948-63

Bruno Maderna 63-78

Hans Zender 78-93

Sylvain Cambreling 93-08

Susanna Malkki 08-23

Barbara Hannigan 23-

WPA Symphony of Berkeley:

Hermann Scherchen 1945-60

Rene Leibowitz 60-75

Herbert Kegel 75-90

Heinz Holliger 90-05

Markus Stenz 05-20

Maxime Pascal 20-

American Symphony:

Leopold Stokowski 62-72

Michael Tilson Thomas 72-80

Gunther Schuller 80-90

David Robertson 90-03

Marin Alsop 03-18

Teddy Abrams 18-

WCRB Symphony of Boston (Formerly DAR Symphony)

Felix Weingartner 1918-33

William Steinberg 33-45

Gunter Wand 45-65

Kurt Sanderling 65-80

Rudolf Kempe 80-90 (ideally)

Wolfgang Sawallisch 90-05

Fabio Luisi 05-20

Philippe Jordan 20-

New York Philharmonic:

Gustav Mahler 09-30 (ideally)

Otto Klemperer 30-45

Jascha Horenstein 45-60

Leonard Bernstein 60-75

Dean Dixon 75-90 (ideally)

Michael Tilson Thomas 90-05

Esa-Pekka Salonen 05-20

Thomas Ades 20--

New York Symphony

Felix Weingartner 1933-55 (ideally)

Josef Krips 55-70

Carlos Kleiber 70-80 (ideally)

Nikolaus Harnoncourt 80-95

Claudio Abbado 95-05

Ivan Fischer 05-20

Manfred Honeck 20-

Cleveland:

George Szell 46-69

Istvan Kertesz 69-84

Christoph von Dohnanyi 84-99

Claudio Abbado 99-2014 (ideally)

Osmo Vanska 14-29

Hannu Lintu 29-

Chicago:

Fritz Reiner 42-62

Igor Markevitch 62-77

Kirill Kondrashin 78-93

Lorin Maazel 92-2007

Vladimir Jurowski 07-22

Cristian Macelaru 22-

WFMT Orchestra Chicago (formerly the Pullman Orchestra)

Fritz Steinbach 1918-33

Eugen Jochum 1933-51

Fritz Busch 51-66

Rafael Kubelik 66-81

Gunter Wand 81-96

Istvan Kertesz 96-11

Adam Fischer 11-26

Philippe Jordan 26-

NSO:

Howard Hanson 33-58

Dean Dixon 58-73

Kenneth Schermerhorn 73-88

Leonard Slatkin 88-2003

David Robertson 03-18

Robert Spano 18-

IBM Symphony of Raleigh

Antal Dorati 38-68

Karel Ancerl 68-83

Gerd Albrecht 83-98

Charles Mackerras 98-13 (ideally)

Hannu Lintu 13-28

Susanna Malkki 28-

Minneapolis: :

Paul Kletzki 36-60

Stanislaw Skrowaczewski 60-75

Gunther Herbig 75-90

Klaus Tennstedt 90-2005 (ideally)

Alexander Vedernikov 05-20 (ideally)

John Storgards 20-

MPR Symphony of St. Paul

Bruno Walter 1933-48

Rafael Kubelik 48-64

William Steinberg 64-79

Colin Davis 79-94

Bernard Haitink 94-09

Mariss Jansons 09-24 (ideally)

Jakub Hrusa 24-

NPR Symphony of Washington:

Leo Blech 1937-53

Hans Schmidt-Isserstedt 53-68

Christoph von Dohnanyi 68-83

Kurt Masur 83-98

Herbert Blomstedt 98-08

Thomas Hengelbrock 08-23

Paavo Jarvi 23-

SF:

Eugene Goosens 30-50

Ernest Bour 50-65

Lukas Foss 65-80

Michael Tilson Thomas 80-90

Kent Nagano 90-2005

Oliver Knussen 2005-20 (ideally)

Jorg Widmann 20-

Pacific Symphony of Oakland

Lukas Foss 50-65

Gunther Schuller 65-80

David Zinman 80-95

Dennis Russell Davies 95-10

Joann Falletta 10-25

Alan Gilbert 25-

New Jersey

Max Rudolf 33-85

George Cleve 85-00

Hans Graf 00-15

Christoph Konigs 15-30

Detroit:

Paul Paray: 48-63

Ataulfo Argenta 63-78 (ideally...)

Michel Plasson 78-93

Rafael Fruhbeck de Burgos 93-08

Juanjo Mena 08-23

Andres Orozco-Estrada 23-

WPR Symphony of Madison

Vaclav Talich 1943-61

Charles Mackerras 62-77

Libor Pesek 77-92

Istvan Kertesz 96-2011 (ideally)

Gerd Albrecht 11-21 (ideally)

Tomas Netopil 21-

Kansas City:

Gabriel Pierne 1925-37

Roger Desoirmiere 37-52

Karel Sejna 52-67

Hans Schmidt-Isserstedt 67-82 (ideally)

Ivan Fischer 82-97

Charles Mackerras 97-12

Emmanuel Krivine 12-22

Roberto Gonzalez-Monjas 22-

Dallas:

Eugene Ormandy 31-60

Jean Martinon 60-75

Andre Previn 77-92

Lorin Maazel 92-2007

Charles Dutoit 07-22

Stephane Deneve 22-

Colorado

Wilhelm Furtwangler 1922-45

Hermann Abendroth 45-60

Eugen Jochum 60-75 (ideally)

Joseph Keilberth 75-90 (ideally)

Daniel Barenboim 90-2005

Christian Thielemann 05-20

Calgary:

Enrique Jorda 1960-80

Mario Bernardi 80-95

Kenneth Schermerhorn 95-10

Kazuyoshi Akiyama 10-20

David Afkham 20-

Houston:

Maurice Abravanel 1946-81

Neeme Jarvi 81-96

Gennadi Rozhdestvensky 96-11

Jose Serebrier 11-21

Robert Trevino 2026-

San Antonio:

Jose Iturbi 1960-75

Luis Herrara de la Fuente 75-90

John Neschling 90-05

Andres Orozco-Estrada 05-20

Domingo Hindoyan 20-

Phoenix:

Henry Lewis 1970-85

Enrique Batiz 85-00

Jorge Mester 00-15

Carlos Miguel Prieto 15-

Miami:

Izler Solomon 55-70

Enrique Batiz 70-85

Jesus Lopez-Cobos 85-00

Eduardo Mata 00-15 (ideally)

Gustavo Gimeno 15-

OPR Symphony of Portland:

George Schneevoigt 1933-45

Tauno Hannikainen 45-60

Sixten Ehrling 60-75

Paavo Berglund 75-90

James de Priest 90-05

Thomas Dausgaard 05-20

Kristiina Poska 20-

Las Vegas:

Anatole Fistoulari 1945-60

Enrique Jorda 1960-75

Carlos Paita 75-90

Ole Schmidt 90-2005

Frank Shipway 05-20 (ideally)

Han-Na Chang 20-

Vancouver

Vladimir Golschmann 31-58

Paul van Kempen 58-68 (ideally)

Walter Susskind 68-83 (ideally)

Jean Martinon 83-93 (ideally)

Edo de Waart 93-2008

Francois-Xavier Roth 08-23

Pablo Heras-Casado 23-

Cincinnati:

Volkmar Andreae 1933-45

William Steinberg 1945-60

Eduard van Beinum 60-75 (ideally)

Peter Maag 75-90

Armin Jordan 90-05 (ideally)

Erich Bergel 05-15 (ideally)

Gabor Takacs-Nagy 15-

Montreal:

Ernest Ansermet 1923-33

Desire Defauw 33-45

Eduard Flipse 45-60

Sergiu Celibiache 60-75

Seiji Ozawa 75-90

Charles Dutoit 90-05

Michel Plasson05-15

Yannick Nezet-Seguin 15-

Toronto:

Frantisek Stupka 33-51

Ionel Perlea 51-66

Joseph Keilberth 66-81 (ideally)

Mariss Jansons 81-96

Colin Davis 96-06

Semyon Bychkov 06-17

Juraj Valcuha 17-

Pittsburgh

Jascha Horenstein 1931-45

Lovro von Matacic 45-60

Constantin Silvestri 60-66

Klaus Tennstedt 66-75

Jerzy Semkow 75-90

Eliahu Inbal 90-05

Manfred Honeck 05-20

Petr Popelka 20-

IPR Symphony of Indiannapolis

Eduard van Beinum: 45-60

Karel Sejna 60-75

Armin Jordan 75-90

Jean Fournet 90-2005 (ideally)

Mario Venzago 05-20

Markus Poschner 20-

Milwaukee:

Carl Schuricht 1946-66

Herbert Blomstedt 66-81

Klaus Tennstedt 81-89

Zdenek Kosler 89-04

Adam Fischer 04-11

Tomas Hanus 19-

Rochester:

Hans Swarowsky 1937-75

Ilya Musin 75-85

Jorma Panula 85-00

Otto Werner-Mueller 00-15

Kenneth Kiesler 15-

Atlanta:

Robert Shaw 69-88

Andrew Davis 88-03

John Nelson 03-18

Paul McCreesh 18-

Nashville:

Vittorio Gui 1933-48

Franco Ferrara 48-53

Charles Groves 53-63

Georges Pretre 63-78

Andrew Davis 78-88

Peter Maag 88-2003 (ideally)

Mark Elder 03-18

Robin Ticciati 18-

Baltimore:

Dmitri Mitropoulos 30-45

Victor de Sabata 45-60 (ideally)

Lovro von Matacic 60-75

Alexander Gibson 75-90

Yevgeny Svetlanov 90-05 (ideally)

Tugan Sokhiev 05-20

Rafael Payare 20-

Buffalo

Artur Rodzinski 1933-58

Janos Ferencsik 58-73

Arvid Jansons 73-88

Jan Krenz 88-03

Andrey Boreyko 03-18

Antoni Wit 18-28

Giedre Sletyke 28-

Alaska:

Issay Dobrowen 1922-41

Nikolai Malko 41-56

Efrem Kurtz 56-71

Yuri Ahronovich 71-86

Vladimir Delman 86-2001 (ideally)

Vasily Sinaisky 01-16

Alexander Lazerev 16-26

Oksana Lyniv 26-

St. Louis:

Fritz Reiner 34-42

45-60

Ferdinand Leitner 60-75

Horst Stein 75-90

Otmar Suitner 90-2000

Michael Schonwandt 00-15

Simone Young 15-30

San Diego:

Louis Fremaux 60-82

David Atherton 82-97

Jahja Ling 97-12

Eiji Oue 12-27

Diego Matheuz 27-

Calgary

Enrique Jorda 1960-80

Mario Bernardi 80-95

Kenneth Schermerhorn 95-2010

Kazuyoshi Akiyama 10-20

David Afkham 20-

Edmonton

Desire Defauw 1950-60 (ideally)

Max Goberman 60-75 (ideally)

Sixten Ehrling 75-90

James de Priest 90-2005

Santa Fe Festival Orchestra

Mahler 1930-45

Talich 45-55

Fricsay 55-65 (ideally)

Celibidache 65-75

Matacic 75-85

Semkow 85-95

Harnoncourt 95-05

I. Fischer 05-15

A. Fischer 15-25

Honeck 25-

Mardi Gras Festival Orchestra

Pierre Monteux 1919-1942

Vaclav Talich 42-57

Eduard van Beinum 57-72 (ideally)

Rafael Kubelik 72-87

Claudio Abbado 87-02

Ivan Fischer 02-17

Simon Rattle 17-

WFT

Carmel-by-the-Sea Opera Festival

Arturo Toscanini 1933-54

Guido Cantelli 55-64 (ideally)

Franco Ferrara 65-74 (ideally)

Carlo Maria Giulini 75-89

Thomas Schippers 90-04 (ideally)

James Levine 05-14 ('ideally')

Riccardo Muti 2015-24

Riccardo Chailly 2025-