Wednesday, June 8, 2011

If I Were CEO of Existence

....which I clearly am. And the wrath of my iron fist has been absent far too long.

The Following People Will be Banned for the Following Reasons:

Hitler, Stalin, Mao and anybody else directly responsible or conspiring in the non-self-defending murder of 15 or more people. 14 or less murders would still be permissible for continued existence.

Tom Cruise: Because.

Oliver Stone: For making me sit through JFK, Natural Born Killers, Nixon and W. in anticipation of a glimmer of insight into American History.

Mel Gibson: Actually, I'm lying. I like most movies he's in and he's actually a really good actor.

Any and All Associated with Fox News: See Tom Cruise.

Any and All Associated with Al Jezeera: The Fox News of the Arab World. (In my head I can hear someone chortling that I've just meted out the lowest possible insult).

Any and All Associated with CNN: Or at least whoever's responsible for making the network think that techno-gadget asshattery is more important than actual news.

Noam Chomsky: The linguist can stay, the rest goes. Including his weed.

The Likud Party: As far as parties go, they're distinctly un-fun.

The Conservative Movement and Its Collaborators: Just because I think America would be a nicer place to live without them.

All People Who Think the World is a Better Place for the Existence of Heidegger, Sartre, Foucault, Derrida or Any Other Thinker who Believes in a System whose Tenets Include a Thought Resembling One that Rational Thought Does Not Exist: ...So why do you think that?

All People Who Believe Liberalism Failed Us: You failed liberalism. Especially now that I'm the Intergalactic Dictator.

People Who Believe Stanley Kubrick Was a Great Director: I have a theory. You hate movies.

People Who Love Akira Kurosawa, John Ford, Frank Capra, Tim Burton, Terrance Malick, Jean-Luc Godard, Sergio Leone, David Lean and Sergei Eisenstein: See my theory of Kubrick.

People Who Read n+1 For Anything But the Funny Articles: You're dumb.

People Who Hate Opera: See n+1

People Who Love Opera Too Much: Seriously, you can be pretty irritating at times.

People Who Love The Wire: I was good....but come on.


People Who Don't Hate Enough: You're not human.

People Who Don't Love Enough: See people who don't hate enough.

People Who Aren't Ambivalent Enough: See people who don't love enough.

People Who Say The Simpsons was a Bad Influence on Kids: YOU ARE! (sticks tongue out)

People Who Think Fred Astaire is Old-Fashioned: Oh yeah? Well you're new-fashioned!

People Who Are Overconfident in their Own Opinions: I was getting bored anyway.

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