The following is a transcript, provided to us only through
the deaths of thousands of agents, from the super-secret, booby-trapped
fortress of nonitude in the bowels of the Supreme Court building. It is a
gigantic, super-secret stone room; not unlike like Westminster Hall in London,
adorned with nine thrones, four of which are occupied by Supreme Court Justices
Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito, and five of which are currently empty as
Justices Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor, and Kagan are trapped in nets on the room’s
floor next to their thrones. All justices are dressed in their courtroom robes.
Breyer: You’ll never get away with this Scalia!
Scalia: Oh but I already have! Don’t you see that without Obamacare,
most people will only be free to choose between one health insurance plan and
another which they cannot afford? People will either have to die or accrue
massive personal debts to their providers which will then become the
responsibility of their banks to repossess more assets than most people have,
thereby forcing the federal government to bail them out yet again! I claim Obamacare
as something not stipulated by the original constitution, but in fact I’ve done
it only as a way to hold the power of the free market in the palm of my hand!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kagan: You’re mad! Mad I tell you! Mad!
Ginsburg: But that’s not the power of the free market. The
free market means that banks should be allowed to fail. What you’re describing
is socialism for the rich!
Alito: And that’s the genius of it. We tell everyone that an
uninhibited free market is the American way and only a totally free market can
function by itself, and when it fails, we simply say that the market wasn’t
free enough! And then corporate hacks that bankrolled our early careers at
thinktanks and foundations and give us millions of dollars worth of comped vacations for speaking tours can get more
money from the government!
Sotomayor: You dastardly fiends!
Thomas: Indeed. And besides. That’s what HE wants.
Ginsburg: (squirming) Who’s he?
Scalia: (to Alito and Thomas) It’s time. (takes a remote
control from out his pocket with a single large button. Pushes the button and next
to him rises Anthony Kennedy from beneath the floor)
All Four Liberal Justices: KENNEDY!
Sotomayor: It was you all along!
Kennedy: HA HA HA! Yes, I play the squishy swing vote
justice for publicity’s sake, but it is I who make the absolutist civil libertarian
argument that an individual mandate inhibits free choice! The American public should
be free to make whatever shitty choices we provide them with! And if they die
from lack of health care, then those morlocks should have thought of that
before they elected Republican presidents in seven of the last eleven presidential
elections!
Breyer: The American people aren’t morlocks!
Roberts: Sure they are! Look at section 5, line 197 of John
Marshall’s majority opinion in Marbury vs. Madison. It says plainly, ‘The
American People are Morlocks.”
Kagan: No it doesn’t!
Where did you study law?
Roberts: Harvard! The same place as you…or did I go to Yale?
Anyway it’s one of the two places at which we all studied.
Ginsburg: I graduated from Columbia!
Everybody else: RETARD!
Kagan: The American people are not morlocks! I hereby summon
the spirit of John Marshall to testify. Liberals, get out your rings!
(the four liberal justices take out their plastic Rings of
Purposive Interpretation with giant red fiberglass jewels in the middle, put
them on their left ring fingers and raise their left arms in the air)
Liberal Justices: LIBERAL JUSTICES ACITIVATE! JOHN MARSHALL!
(the spirit of John Marshall, or something that looks vaguely like David Souter in a powdered whig, appears on a giant television in a blueish, holographic
tint)
Ghost of John Marshall: John Glover Roberts Junior! I am the
spirit of Chief Justices Past, from John Jay to William Rhenquist, and we have
been keepers of the greatest secret of all. It is time that you know the great
secret of the American people: the American People are idiots, not morlocks! You
must take solemn oath that you shall guard this secret until your dying breath.
(starts fading away) Remember your oath! REMEMBER!!
(the hall echoes with John Marshall’s last word.)
Roberts: The American people are not morlocks? Well then
everything I’ve ever known is wrong!
Scalia: No, no it’s right Roberts.
Roberts: All those years working as a private practice corporate
shill, just because I thought that I was helping them make money off morlocks,
not human beings!...
Alito: Please no, no, NOT LIKE THIS!
Roberts: If I vote to strike down the individual mandate by
a 5-4 margin, I’ll be the chief justice who approved the early deaths of
millions of American non-morlocks. I can’t let this happen. I switch my vote!
Kennedy: It can’t be! No! NOOOOOO I’M MELTING! MELTING! OH
WHAT A WORLD!
Scalia: You're not gonna melt, you’re just a drama
queen.
Kennedy: WHAT A WORLD! (runs out of the room)
Scalia: I guess we should free the liberal justices now. No sense in lording it over them anymore.
Alito: You realize he's going straight to George Will to leak.
Scalia: Yeah, I guess that means our super-secret fortress days are over. We could probably make up the millions we'll lose in comped vacations and speaking tours by selling this room on e-bay. Anyhow, Clarence help me get the liberals out of these nets.
Kennedy: WHAT A WORLD! (runs out of the room)
Scalia: I guess we should free the liberal justices now. No sense in lording it over them anymore.
Alito: You realize he's going straight to George Will to leak.
Scalia: Yeah, I guess that means our super-secret fortress days are over. We could probably make up the millions we'll lose in comped vacations and speaking tours by selling this room on e-bay. Anyhow, Clarence help me get the liberals out of these nets.
Clarence Thomas: Sure thing Nino. (whispering in Sotomayor’s
ear): psst. I’m not wearing any pants!
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