To All the Jews (honorary ones too),
In this coming year may you have friends who insult you to your face and neighbors who don't spy. May you win the lottery, thereby acquiring a long list of relatives, and may you remember Evan Tucker when you win. May you get good reports from your internist, ENT, dentist, cardiologist, chiropractor, proctologist and urologist, and if you don't may there be an organization to pick up your health policy when it's dropped. May your hair stay in, your facelift not fall and your stock portfolio rise. May your cholesterol stay low and your mortgage interest rate not rise. May your broadband and refrigerator be free of spam (really just the broadband) and may your gchat records be easily deletable. May the swine flu go back to the swine where it belongs. May you get through the day without feeling the need for alcohol or nicotine at the end of it, or something else, unless you really think it's good for you in which case may you do that something else and may the government leave you be. May you know your calling - choral singer or otherwise - and may your calling give you much satisfaction. May those of you who think Israelis are always right be satisfied, may those of you who think Palestinians are always right be satisfied too, and may we all learn to stop talking about it at parties. May you have a merciful IRS agent and a boss who charges lunch to the company card. May those of you getting married, recently married or oldly married have all the best fortune. May you make enough money to support all your children through college and grad school and for their whole lives thereafter. When it's cold, may you have sealing windows. When it rains, and it will, may you have non-leaking roofs.
In this coming year may you have friends who insult you to your face and neighbors who don't spy. May you win the lottery, thereby acquiring a long list of relatives, and may you remember Evan Tucker when you win. May you get good reports from your internist, ENT, dentist, cardiologist, chiropractor, proctologist and urologist, and if you don't may there be an organization to pick up your health policy when it's dropped. May your hair stay in, your facelift not fall and your stock portfolio rise. May your cholesterol stay low and your mortgage interest rate not rise. May your broadband and refrigerator be free of spam (really just the broadband) and may your gchat records be easily deletable. May the swine flu go back to the swine where it belongs. May you get through the day without feeling the need for alcohol or nicotine at the end of it, or something else, unless you really think it's good for you in which case may you do that something else and may the government leave you be. May you know your calling - choral singer or otherwise - and may your calling give you much satisfaction. May those of you who think Israelis are always right be satisfied, may those of you who think Palestinians are always right be satisfied too, and may we all learn to stop talking about it at parties. May you have a merciful IRS agent and a boss who charges lunch to the company card. May those of you getting married, recently married or oldly married have all the best fortune. May you make enough money to support all your children through college and grad school and for their whole lives thereafter. When it's cold, may you have sealing windows. When it rains, and it will, may you have non-leaking roofs.
To the Goyim,
Don't fuck with us.
All the best,
Evan
5771: (easily my least favorite, toned down because it was the year I had to use it to try to convince DC singers to sing for Voices of Washington... I should have just done a better Season's Greetings)
To all the Jews:
Real Jews, fake Jews; red Jews, blue Jews; Jews by force, Jews by choice; honorary Jews and dishonorable Jews. To the three-times-a-year Jews and Shabbos Goyim, bacon-lovers and crabcake-connoisseurs; Jews when they watch Seinfeld and Jews when they read about Mel Gibson, Jews when they listen to Mahler and Jews when they watch Adam Sandler; Jews when they see the restaurant bill and Jews when their mothers call four times an hour. To the 6'4 blonde Jews and the 5'3 balding goy, to the doctors named Esposito and the baseball players named Youklis; to the Jewish mechanic who works on your car and the Scotch-Irish accountant from West Virginia who sets up your 401 K, to the goyim who feel Jewish when Israel comes up and the Jews who feel Palestinian when talking to them; to the goyim who don't throw up when they realize what Kishkes are made of and the Jews who wretch at the sight of kippered herring, to the Jews who never miss a chance to look inside a church and the Goyim who feel like they're going to scream if they have to go again.
To everyone, both Jewish and not, because beneath it all we share a common hatred of Yankee fans:
May the coming year bring you good health, good fortune, and happiness.
Evan
5772: (I went unoriginal again for the most part. But it was definitely funny)
Dearest Jews and/or Goyim,
In the coming year may you have all the health, wealth, wisdom and happiness which so clearly eluded you in the past year. I know I shall see you all tonight at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem where we shall partake of the great happiness that awaits all who devote eternity to the study of Torah. Should the Messiah however be unexpectedly delayed, here's fondly wishing you a happy New Year.
And here is a questionnaire I recently received from my synagogue:
In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the . . . (Check one)
______Talking section
______No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (indicate order of interest)
_____ Stock market
_____ Sports
_____ Medicine
_____ Congregate's secret medical tragedies
_____ General gossip
_____ Specific gossip (choose)
_____ The rabbi
_____ The rabbi's voice
_____ The rabbi's wife
_____ The choir
_____ The rabbi's "secretary"
_____ Fashion news
_____ What others are wearing
_____ Why they look awful
_____ Your neighbors
_____ Your neighbor's relatives
_____ President Obama
_____ Sex (Preference:______)
_____ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
_____ Other:
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
_____ Doctor
_____ Dentist
_____ Nutritionist
_____ Psychiatrist
_____ Child psychiatrist
_____ Mother in law
_____ Pilot
_____ Podiatrist
_____ Chiropractor
_____ Stockbroker
_____ Accountant
_____ Lawyer
_____ Criminal
_____ Civil
_____ Estate agent
_____ Architect
_____ Plumber
_____ Buyer (Specify store:_____________)
_____ Sex therapist
_____ Golf pro (tentative: we're still trying to find a Jewish one)
_____ Other:________________________
4. I want to be seated (Indicate order of priority)
_____ On the aisle
_____ Near the exit
_____ Near the window
_____ In Aruba
_____ Near the bathroom
_____ Near my in-laws
_____ As far away from my in-laws as possible
_____ As far away from my ex in-laws as possible
_____ Near the pulpit
_____ Near the kiddush table
_____ Near single men
_____ Near available women
_____ Near anyone who's available - I'm bisexual or just not particular
_____ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
_____ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
_____ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon (Additional Charge)
5. Orthodox only - I would like a seat where:
_____ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
_____ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
_____ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people (limit of 6 names):
______________________________
______________________________
(If you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation)
Fondly yours,
5773: (easily the best so far, though a presidential election made it easier)
Dear Sir, Madame, Or Other,
My Judaism primer sheet informs me that a holiday signifying a supposedly Jewish new year is approaching and that it would be prudent to issue a greeting for this allegedly sacred time. So for those economically successful people of Jewish persuasion, I would like to wish those Jews whom God has blessed a Happy and Blessed New Year. For any of those economically successful Jews who would give five hundred thousand dollars and above to my campaign, I would endow them with a gift basket of honey-glazed pork chops and a freshly-killed lobster dinner with me and Anne at the White House.
Best Wishes for a Sweet New Year,
Willard Mittens Romney
------------------------------
To all my Jewish Friends,
I would like to wish you all a great and sweet New Year with lots of dragons and fortune cookies. I know that soon you will achieve your dream of founding a country in your ancestral homeland and that you'll have a friend in America, who will be at your side when the next Holocaust occurs.
Your Friend,
Joe Biden
------------------------------
So I'd like to wish you all a new year. Except for the teachers, whom I'd like to wish a !@#$%# @#$%@##!#$ %Y#@$%!#$!# !@$%@#! @#$@$%^@#$ !@#%@#%^@#$% @$%@#$@#$^ CHAINSAW @#$%!@$@#^ ^&$%^&*$%* !@$%#$%#^& @#%^#$^&%#$%& BLUMPY #@$%@#^$% #^#$%&#$%^#$@#% &$%^&@$ *(%^&*#$% !@$%#$%& #$^&$%&*&@#$ @##$%^ DUKAKIS @$%&$% %^&*#$%^ #$^&^&*%*$^ $%^#$%^#$%^ @$#%@$%&#$^& NEW YEAR!!!!
Best Wishes,
Rahm Emanuel
------------------------------
Dear Jews,
I'd like to wish all you movie business Leninists a good New Year or whatever it is you celebrate. I don't even know why I'm sending this thing but I think my agent's implying that I need to if I ever want another Oscar.
Back to the Links,
Clint
------------------------------
Dear Jews,
You make me sick.
Mel
------------------------------
To all Jews (self-identified or honorary)
May you be written in the Book of Life and may you have a sweet new year. Unless you prefer otherwise.
Best Wishes,
Evan
5774: (a little too close to the bone this year, but I don't take a word of it back :) )
Dearest Jews, self-identified or honorary, of Baltimore,
Your new-found reappearance in my life has been such a blessing. I am so happy to have ditched that tiresome, disgusting, pestilential blight upon the world that is Washington and all those people within it whom I claim to love but secretly loathe with all my might for their disgusting fakery, their fanatical belief systems, their craven ambition and catty social climbing, their uninformed bloviations, their corporate facelessness, their collusion in the thievery of the country's money, and the overpriced restaurants, rowhouses, bars, public transit, and clothes, for all of which they spend the money they stole from us like water. Like hell, Washington is nothing more than a demon-filled swamp disguised as a real city. Satan's kingdom must come down, and one day we'll do a field trip to dance on the remains of its ashes.
Happy New Year,
Evan
------------------------------
Dearest Jews, self-identified or honorary, of Washington,
Oh my god TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK TAKE ME BACK!!! If I have to sit through one more shitty band/gallery/theater production then I'm going to become the artistic equivalent to a disgruntled postal worker who goes crazy and shoots up his office, and the Baltimore City Paper would name my mass shooting the 'best show of the year.' And it just might be, because everything in Baltimore is like a bad show: "look how few murders we've had this month!", "look how effectively we've stopped the drug trade!" "look how much better gentrification's made life for us!" "look how amazing it is to work for your father!" No wonder so many shitty artists take root here. We're a town tailor made for bad shows. At least DC is a show which some idiots believe. Nobody believes in Baltimore.
Happy New Year,
Evan
------------------------------
Dearest Jews, self-identified and honorary, of all cities,
What the hell did I do to deserve you people?
Happy New Year,
Evan
5775:
To all the Jews (spoiler alert),
5775:
To all the Jews (spoiler alert),
On this, the 5th anniversary of the Season's Greetings emails, may you be written this year into the Book of Life, may this year bless you with good health and happiness, may you live a life like Kramer and not like George, may you have Homer Simpson's luck and avoid Sideshow Bob's rakes, may you keep your secrets better than Don Draper does, may your marriages be like Woody and Kelly and not like Frasier and Lilith, may you get through your addictions like Bubbles and not like Sherrod, may you escape bad home situations like Barbara Soprano and not like Janice, may you be there for your family like Michael Bluth and not like Lucille, may you get second chances like Jesse and not screw them up like Walter, may you maintain your integrity like Larry David and not sell out like Hank Kingsley, may you embrace commitment like Liz Lemon and not avoid it like Jack Donaghy, in fights may you win like Tyrion and not lose like Tywin, may you live to Dowager Grantham's age and not to Sybil's, may you prosper through preserving your integrity like Saul and not die a sellout like Estes, may you deal with clients like Manuel and not like Basil, may your family view you as a joy like Raymond and not a burden like Robert, may you have the gumption of Cartman and not the spinelessness of Butters, may you be in on the joke like Sophia and not the butt of them like Rose, may you be an inspiration like Picard and not an embarrasment like Lwaksana Troi, may you appreciate the world like Wilson and not spurn it like House, may you fulfill your responsibilities like Louie and not avoid them like Larry Sanders, may you be as confident as Gonzo and not as insecure as Fozzie, when you put your foot in your mouth may you be as well-meaning as Michael Scott and not creepy like David Brent, when you reach power may you be as benevolent as President Bartlett and mendacious like President Underwood.
May you devote many more hours to what really matters in life: TV. Glorious TV.
5776 (too prescient, no?):
All you Jewish Dummies out there,
I know it's your new year and you all have to celebrate like idiots, so instead of suing you for all your money after stealing mine because you're third rate hypocrites who never.apologized to me for the horrible job you did for me with your bad real estate tips and zero ability to get me out of bad Casino deals, I'm going to wish you a Happy New Year. Even though all you liberal clowns are third rate total losers. Your goofball leech race just uses me for publicity while you 'make' my money and then talk 'bull' about me with the media you control in between programming your hokey third-rate garbage against The Apprentice.
But I"m willing to cut you all some slack if you're Jewish women, even though most of you pieces of ass could still use a good nose job. And I still don't hate you guys as much as I hate those ridiculous Chinese clowns and the Mexican dummies who steal the jobs I provide. So listen you Jewish motherfuckers, you like to win, so I'm gonna let you stay here, and when I'm president I'm gonna tax you only 25% more than everybody else, because it's only fair that a race that steals for us gives us our money back.
And you're gonna show me Obama's birth certificate. Cuz I know you guys are behind that one too and let that Kenyan born loser get that office that should be mine.
And then all you little short guys in Yamakas are gonna count my money all day. Penny by fuckin' penny so you know what a real rich guy looks like. And if you tab the sums wrong, I'm gonna stick ya where I stuck Rosie O'Donnell, and you don't wanna know where I stuck her... It's the same place I stuck Arianna Huffington and Hilary Clinton...
And then I'm gonna build a shrine to your new God, Me. You're gonna bow down to my image. It's gonna be solid gold and a hundred stories high, cuz nobody builds better shrines than me: real classy. And then I'm gonna tax the rest of your money to build the wall to keep the Mexicans out, which you're gonna build, cuz I'm the motherfuckin' Pharoh and Moses rolled into one.
Happy Fuckin' New Year,
Donald
------------------------------
Greetings of the Season to all,
Evan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5777
Dearest Jews and Non-Jews,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5777
Dearest Jews and Non-Jews,
For my annual greeting card, I unfortunately have no original jokes to offer this year. Instead, let me just direct you to this bandcamp website, which has the new music of a man named AC Charlap, the 'stagename' of someone you know (Charlap was the 'Tucker' name until the 20th century, AC being my Hebrew name: Avraham Chai. I'd have preferred to use the name 'Richard Nixon' but that was already taken). Please feel free to listen to this half-hour of celestial muzak if you feel like it, or don't if you don't. But if you like it, or simply feel sorry for me, it would be lovely of you should you find generosity within your heart to GIVE FUNDING since my thus far non-extant children will require a repleted college fund should I continue with this project. There will hopefully be a second half-hour ready by Channukah in late December.
Anyway, to the main business.... Last year I wrote a, er... missive in this greeting which was deliberately in the worst possible taste, in the style of a certain narcissistic would-be Generalissimo whom at the time was still a national joke - how could one resist the temptation? A few people thought it was truly offensive, so I'm going to do the only logical thing and send the exact same greeting again this year - with a MILD TRIGGER WARNING for those offended or disturbed by... pretty much whatever imaginable crudities one can surmise. This year, he's a bigger national joke than ever, but it isn't funny anymore. I can't bear the thought of writing yet another email in The Donald's voice and rising to what this 'historical hour' clearly demands, so in lieu of writing another jokey email about a would be dictator, I'm simply going to copy and paste the email last year so we can all marvel at the different (and no doubt more orange) hue which a year has given to this vulgar joke, which isn't nearly as far from reality as it was but a year ago. How tame this all now seems compared to reality...
All you Jewish Dummies out there,
I know it's your new year and you all have to celebrate like idiots, so instead of suing you for all your money after stealing mine because you're third rate hypocrites who never.apologized to me for the horrible job you did for me with your bad real estate tips and zero ability to get me out of bad Casino deals, I'm going to wish you a Happy New Year. Even though all you liberal clowns are third rate total losers. Your goofball leech race just uses me for publicity while you 'make' my money and then talk 'bull' about me with the media you control in between programming your hokey third-rate garbage against The Apprentice.
But I"m willing to cut you all some slack if you're Jewish women, even though most of you pieces of ass could still use a good nose job. And I still don't hate you guys as much as I hate those ridiculous Chinese clowns and the Mexican dummies who steal the jobs I provide. So listen you Jewish motherfuckers, you like to win, so I'm gonna let you stay here, and when I'm president I'm gonna tax you only 25% more than everybody else, because it's only fair that a race that steals for us gives us our money back.
And you're gonna show me Obama's birth certificate. Cuz I know you guys are behind that one too and let that Kenyan born loser get that office that should be mine.
And then all you little short guys in Yamakas are gonna count my money all day. Penny by fuckin' penny so you know what a real rich guy looks like. And if you tab the sums wrong, I'm gonna stick ya where I stuck Rosie O'Donnell, and you don't wanna know where I stuck her... It's the same place I stuck Arianna Huffington and Hilary Clinton...
And then I'm gonna build a shrine to your new God, Me. You're gonna bow down to my image. It's gonna be solid gold and a hundred stories high, cuz nobody builds better shrines than me: real classy. And then I'm gonna tax the rest of your money to build the wall to keep the Mexicans out, which you're gonna build, cuz I'm the motherfuckin' Pharoh and Moses rolled into one.
Happy Fuckin' New Year,
Donald
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