Tales from the Old New Land - Shimon, 1902 - Outline

Shimon: 1902, South Africa - about the Second Boer War: Shimon (Simon) is an officer at a concentration camp (shades of later Jewish history). The commandant is an aristocrat named Hastings. The other officers are from all around the British empire, we meet them either in the mess hall or over a game of cards - perhaps both of course. They talk particularly about the daring escapades of a newly famous young officer named Winston Churchill and whether he's brave, foolhardy, an upper-class twit, or a lucky idiot. Simon is a relatively new officer, and speaks extremely correct English with a slight Polish accent (like Conrad). We hear one officer, perhaps an African, being called away to officiate a dispute between prisoners and assaulting a minorly disobedient prisoner. Simon, still a very young officer, who was trained with a thorough belief in British honor and English liberalism, takes the colleague aside and with friendliness tries to convince him that the prisoners will respond better to reason and trust, the African officer cynically laughs. "You don't know the Boers, but you will." The commanding officer assigns Simon an interrogation, Simon assures his compatriot that this interrogation will be a completely non-violent. The African officer laughs again. He goes in there and tries to reason with the Boer, named Johan, whom it should be established right away is crude and loathsome. The reasoned conversation turns very quickly to politics, and Johan argues with him that the British are no better than the Boers and just want South Africa's blood diamonds, but that the Boers will win because they care so much more about this land than the British do, who have the whole world. Simon counters that the Boers want to conquer the Africans, perhaps even enslave them, while the British want to empower and liberate them. Johan counters "An empire who conquers so they can liberate their people is no better than a whore who wins her virginity back through fucking." Simon counters further with a list of all the progress the British have brought to the world. Johan counters with all the commonly held knowledge of British-auspiced famines in India, and Simon counters that the famines under the British are no worse than the famines were under the Mughals and are starting to get better, "So you admit that your precious empire is no more competent than the Wogs!" So Simon goes through still more accomplishments of the British Empire, and seems to show conclusively that British imperialism is a much more benevolent, benign enterprise than Boer imperialism. Johan appears convinced for a moment but then counters that because of its allegedly good intentions, British imperialism is much more insidious and can control resources of the world so much more vast, and that 'we Boers admire you, we wish we knew how to hide the stink of our shit the way you all do.'  It becomes clear after a while that rather than wear Johan down, Johan is wearing Simon down. Eventually, something happens that makes Johan realize that Simon is Jewish, and tauntingly warns him, 'No matter how much you think you're one of them, no matter what rank they call you, no matter how many shiny piles of shit they pin on your chest, you'll always be a bloody kike to them.'  And in the midst of this supposedly non-violent, principled British interrogation, Shimon beats Johan to a bloody pulp. The African comes in right away to separate Simon from Johan but Johan is already dead. The Commandant calls Simon into his office, telling Simon he knows exactly what happened without having to read any report. The Commandant, whose rarely ever spoken to Simon, comments upon the name of Charlap, 'your family be Jews from either Portugal or Poland.' Simon is horrified "What sir? No sir! Absolutely not!" But the Commandant reveals that his mother's maiden name is Montefiore. "Don't worry, out here in the Empire, nobody's a Jew anymore. He fell off a wall, accidental circumstances. This never happened. You're an Englishman now."