Not 24 hours post-hoc that lethal encounter with Shammai I was ordered set sail for Rhodes to meet none other than Octavian himself, newly coronated Caesar Augustus; the implication clearer than marble etching that supplication and groveling was to elicit procurement from me at the newly Caesar's feet and, having collaborated with Augustus's greatest enemy, Anthony, Herod must beg Octavian's clemency to spare the lives of his court. The fate of Herod the Great remaining in question, though probable to my death I go.
And yet there were augers for hope for understanding between Rome and Judea. The symbolism of meeting at Rhodes with its Colossus was clear to me: Caesar was the colossus and why would I die if had I to acknowledge the enormity of Rome's authority. And as my ship approached the ruins of Rhodes's famed Colossus, I heard charmingly vulgar talk amid two sailors, one Roman, the other Judean, showing just what understanding was possible between two peoples whom nothing in common would seem to hold them. To my best ability, my memory records the conversation as I heard:
"When sailors sailed under it, they must have peered up. Did they... ,,, get a view of anything underneath?" "There's no phallus among the ruins if that's what you're implying." "How could there not be?!" "Well it's just not there." "It just seems unlikely to go to all that trouble to scare the bejeesus out of visitors by sailing under a statue a hundred meters tall and not give it a sch.." "..I don't know what to tell you." "Maybe you Romans should... y'know... look harder." "Are you saying the fucking Colossus of Rhodes had a small..." "I'm not saying it was small, though it had to be small enough that somebody could make it disappear without noticing." "You're fucking pazzo." "Look, all I'm saying is that something must have happened, and I bet I know what did even..." "Whatdya' think?" "I think some Jewish bronze merchant a hundred years ago said getta load'a that schvantz, and sold it to a Roman senator." "...Get the fuck outa here!" "I really do!" "You think some Yid had the balls to steal a gigantic bronze phallus from the most watched site in the world?" "I think Rome helped!" "You think the penis of the Colossus of Rhodes is in Rome?!" "I think it's standing straight up on top of the fucking Pantheon is what I think."
And yet when we arrived, there were statues in the likeness of Herod and Antipater right next to the feet of the old Colossus, all among it which remained standing in place.
Captain: "What does this mean your majesty?" Me: "It means either I will be feted as hero, or I will be killed, my family killed, and all Judea fall to slavery just as every Roman province does."
Upon land I embarked from the ship. And my welcome? A dozen comely slave girls, temptingly naked, who painted my face red as the Northern Mediterranean thought all gods were faced, stripped me of my clothes so they could place purple toga upon me, and placed a laurel wreath atop my head. Still I thought I may die as a Roman sacrifice to their gods. I know they didn't do human sacrifices, but among any island peoples one can never be certain.
Thereupon was I placed on a large pulled chariot straight into a triumph through the streets of Rhodes, utterly Roman-style. Behind my chariot was a town crier continually calling out 'Hail Herod! Rome's protector in the East! Hail Herod! Vanquisher of the Hasmoneans! Hail Herod! Ensnarer of Cleopatra! Hail Herod! Rebuilder of Jerusalem!" And then I saw in front of me a hundred open wheelbarrowed caravans. First an entire armory's worth of weapons showcased - the short gladius, the long spatha, the tiny pugio, the enormous hasta, the aerodynamic pilum, the flying plumbata - a hundred of them each at least, and in front of them pulled a dozen of all matter of catapult: the onager, the ballista, the scorpio; and within them a thousand dolabras - the tool which every Roman soldier used for digging, along with a thousand helmets and shields. In between each caravan was another open chest of currency: gold and silver minted in coin and bullion: Aureus, Quinarius Aureus, Denarius, Quinarius, Sesterius, Dupondius, As, Semis, and Quadrans. And further chests containing giant jewels of pearl, jade, malachite, amethyst, carnelian, topaz, chalcedony, obsidian, olivine, and lapis lazulli! In front of all these chests were further statues and paintings and tapestries: of Herod, Antipater, Mairiam, all the Hasmonean protectors, and all the prophets of the Bible!
Six hours later, at the end of the parade, stood Flavius Jacobus, at the foot of Rhodes's Temple of Jupiter, there to bid his old friend into the temple, who silently clasped me by the shoulder in embrace then motioned to bid me up the stairs.
And when I entered, immediately I saw, on the center wall of the Temple, sitting upon Divine Jupiter's lap, was himself, Caesar Augustus.
"Well, the Temple of Jupiter here is not much of a temple but it'll do for now. Rome and Rhodes bids welcome to its Protector in the East. I hope this trip is turning out as eventfully as you hoped?"
"Well, I don't know if I hoped for such events but..."
"...Such events you now have. We have named you Rome's Protector in the East, and we trust that you will act to Rome's benefit just as you've acted to Judea's. Do you notice all the finery in front of you in your triumph?"
"I couldn't help but.."
"..It's yours of course."
"Well thank you, but is this a harbinger of something ominous? Isn't some slave supposed to shout in my ear to remember that I'm mortal?"
"Probably not, and you're from Judea. Nobody in that state forgets they're mortal."
"So this is a triumph?"
"It's very much a triumph. Yours and mine."
"Didn't you have a triumph of your own in Rome?"
"Come with me King, let's talk among the ruins."
And as in suspense I walked with Augustus to inspect the Colossus's many bronze ruins, Augustus immediately launched into conversation:
"What ruler who wants to die of natural causes ever throws himself a triumph?"
"So this is..."
"This is my celebration as much as yours. When Divine Julius wanted to celebrate, it was to places like Rhodes he came. 'My boy, when Romans go north you work, when you go east and south, you play.'"
"Your father went to Rhodes?"
"He tried to go to Rhodes, then he was abducted by pirates, just like you were."
"I wasn't abducted by pirates."
"You weren't?"
"I was shipwrecked after Cleopatra sent me to Italy to pitch something straight to you and Anthony. I honestly thought I'd be dead - either Cleopatra wanted me thrown overboard, or he sent me to Anthony so I could be killed, and if they didn't kill me, I figured you would. But instead I was shipwrecked and fell into the belly of whale where I stayed for three days."
"You mean like your prophet Jonah?..."
"How do you know about Jonah?"
"A good leader reads..."
"I swear it happened."
"If you say it happened it did. You're a king and kings write their own histories. All sorts of things happen to me that no one would believe."
"If you say so."
And strange enough Augustus began to croak and ribbit like a frog, but stranger still, within forty seconds three hundred and some frogs appeared noisily atop the ruins of Rhodes's Colossus. And all the frogs did bow to us like the kings we were.
"The Gods allow some people to do some very strange things. We great men, we're not made of the same stuff."
"In my country, I'm told there is only one god who grants such permissions."
"I've heard you believe in two."
"How did you discover that?!"
"A good leader also listens."
"I don't necessarily believe in two gods. I've only heard one."
"What god is that?"
"The 'other' God."
"The other god?"
"The God who appeared to me after the destruction of my true home country, Idumea, and told me to avenge my homeland upon the Jewish people and Yahweh."
"So it's true!"
"What?"
"You hate your people!"
"And you love Romans?"
"I'm ambivalent about them."
"You fear them!"
"Yes, very much so."
"How much more reason have I to fear mine? They killed my family, they killed the family that birthed my family, they've been killing my family since the time of Lot and Ishmael."
"Well, the Romans did just kill my father, but no, we don't have your prodigal patrimony. Rome is a city of immigrants, and immigrants come to new places to forget old hatreds."
"Hatred is history's oldest motivator. Let Roman history go on long enough there will be enough hatred to power the rest of Judea's history."
"Oh yes you're probably right but you should know better than to say so. Don't forget Protector, you're still in the company of the only man in the world you can't rule."
"My apologies your majesty."
"Don't you dare call me that. I'm no king and no emperor, my title is 'Mr. Princeps', Rome's First Citizen."
"You really want me to call you that?"
"It's just ridiculous enough that people won't be in awe of me."
"Whatever you say Mr. Princeps."
"I must say, I'm more impressed than I expected to be."
"What did you expect?"
"The world entire knows of Herod's Odyssian cunning, but I worried I'd encounter a spoiled killer."
"Well that's exactly whom you're meeting here. Guilty as charged."
"We have spoiled killers everywhere in Rome, the spoiled killers kill each other and assume they can take their spoils without another spoiled killer coming to take theirs; but you're different Herod son of Antipater. I can't tell whether you're just a little spoiled or just a lot a killer, but men like you kill so freely that you either build nations or destroy them."
"What charm of mine gave it away?"
"Don't you know? You, king of a people supposed so skilled in the arts of duplicity?"
"As I said, I'm not a Jew."
"Of course you are, all semites are partially Jews, and you rule over them all! Were you not the most gifted among a very gifted people you'd just be another Judean prince strangled in a prison."
"I still don't understand."
"Of course you do. You're gifted enough that I'm scared just talking to you."
"Mr. Princeps can't be scared of a vassal king."
"I'm scared of every vassal king who knows to speak less than I do."
"Have I spoken less?"
"I don't know, but had you spoken more, it would have been impossible not to read your mind, and you'd be stunned how many vassal kings speak over me in conversation."
"Ignorance is bold. Knowledge is reserved."
"Indeed, yet amid all this tact and polish, I hear that there is no German horde who can perpetrate all the atrocities it's said Herod's done, and it's for that reason I trust you Herod-ben-Antipater to pilot a project I hope to institute through the whole empire."
"What project?"
"Jew, how long did it take your people to advance from Abraham to such learning as you now have that neither the might of Egypt, Assyria, Babylon, Persia, Syria, nor Greece could destroy you.
"I suppose it's been two-thousand years."
"How many men are there among the Jews like Flavius Jacobus?"
"Rich?"
"No, just uncannily scrupulous and unscrupulous whenever appropriate. You want revenge against your Jews, but Jewish skill has arrived your people at such eminence that the finance of men like Jacobus is the coin of the largest Empire the world has ever seen.
"So two thousand years was the amount of time it took you to evolve to such a state. This also was roughly the same time that Egypt and Sumeria learned to read, yes?"
"I suppose."
And just there, conveniently enough, we arrived upon the Colossal ruins. I would say it was a coincidence but Augustus probably knew to time it perfectly.
"Now look at this bronze Jew. Two and half centuries ago, the might of the ancient world looked upon its work and despaired, yet just fifty years after, a mere earthquake took it down for all time.
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Well I understand there was an earthquake none to long ago in Jerusalem?"
"One of a few."
"Two thousand years it took from Jews to go from a desert people to work at the side of the most powerful empire the world. Prosperity never abides long in the same place, and so this, now, is a once every two millennia opportunity. The most competent nations in the world are also the most powerful."
"I suppose I see that, but I don't understand what to do with it."
"It will not be again unless we train the world to our standard."
"And you truly believe you can do that?"
"I believe YOU can do that. Rome may think it wants glory for its senate and its people, but Rome must not be allowed to become a permanent empire of bread and circus! Your people are commanded to be a light unto nations? Well, be that light!"
"I... Mr. Princeps, I think your ambition exceeds even your own power. Who am I that Herod should be the one to bring the world out of slavery? Does the world even wish to be brought freedom?"
"The world does not know what it wishes, it does not know what it needs, but what the world needs is for all her vassal nations to be as strong as Rome herself."
"You would willingly give up your empire?"
"It was never my empire. I have neither right to it nor desire."
"Wouldn't so many strong nations cause permanent war?"
"Not if nations were united in alliance!"
"Mr. Princeps, you surely realize this is madness."
"It is only the mad who change the world!"
"And it is surely only the mad who seek the world's improvement."
"Then be mad with me Jew. Surely you've seen the augers. Jupiter is in retrograde for the next fifty years, every horoscope in the world predicts that our era borders a new age with new ways of looking at the world. Surely you see the evidence all around you."
"The evidence is Roman power."
"No, the evidence is change."
"Rome IS that change."
"No. Change is Rome. Pericles built a republic in Athens, but it was a mere city-state, but it became the Delian empire during the Peloponnesian War, but once the Delian League became the Athenian empire it ruled for fifty years, then declined within in a generation. Yet for all that time, Rome's republic lasted seven-hundred years! For its Republic to survive further it must create its own league of nations!"
"Won't that create the same circumstances that caused Athens's decline?"
"Not if we raise their strength to the full extent of Rome's."
"How can one possibly effect affect that?"
"By imposing new religion."
"A new religion...?"
"This is my imperial project! This is my imperial legacy!"
"So you want to export the Jewish religion throughout the empire?"
"No, though I could think of worse religions. I want a religion of liberalism."
"What is liberalism?"
"Toleration, practical logic, knowledge and open exchange."
"Surely you know my people of all people would not accept such a god."
"Religions can coexist with the religion I have in mind to export. All the local gods can still be worshipped, but we compel their gods to embody the principles I just elucidated."
"I don't think people are as intelligent as you think we are."
"Jews surely are."
"Let me rephrase that. I don't think my people are as intelligent as you think we are.
"They can be if you educate them! Doesn't your bible encourage charity and indulgence to the poor?"
"You can't interpret everything in the Bible literally."
"So many of them already read, so many of them handle money; teach them our higher maths and physic!" '
"Hardly any of them read! Two in every hundred perhaps!"
"Two in every hundred is more than the one in every hundred in Rome."
"I don't even know your higher maths and physic!"
"It only need begin with a couple dozen. You're Herod the builder, teach your people to build so that there are a hundred Herod the builders! We'll send the engineers!"
".... Mr. Princeps, I worry that by saying that I believe in your vision, you'll realize that I'm indulging you. So I would like to tell you a lesson my father imparted to me about his idea of the perfect government."
"Your father was an able man."
"The ablest. If I may speak freely?"
"Always."
"Were he Roman he could have outfoxed your father."
"My father said as much every time Antipater was mentioned. Nothing would delight me more than to hear your father's lesson."
"My father said the perfect government is a government were all its subjects were slaves, but thought themselves free."
"Don't you see Jew, that is precisely the government I seek."
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Once the world is educated, they are slaves to their reason, and they will be forever compelled to make the wise choice."
"Sire, I will tell you what I am thinking right now. My father gave me a Greek tutor, as I'm sure your father did."
"Of course."
"So you know your Herodotus."
"Indeed."
"Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this.."
"'..to know so much and to have control over nothing.' Yes Jew, of course I know my Herodotus, I read it once every year and that is precisely the point. So long as Rome is me, Rome knows enough to surrender its hoard of knowledge to the world, and once the world has knowledge, the world's storehouse of knowledge will forever increase and it would be impossible for any man on earth to learn its full contents."
"And you know your Thucydides."
"He's a little drier. The limits of my intelligence. I expect you're smart enough to remember every passage."
"Only because the tutor would flay me alive if I didn't. The quote is 'Most people, in fact, will not take the trouble in discovering the truth,'"
"'but are much more inclined to accept the first story they hear.' Yes, my father's favorite maxim. So let's make sure the first story they hear from birth is the truth. But you've also read The Republic."
"Oh god that fucking Greek tyrant. Still worse would happen every time I didn't sufficiently commit Plato to memory."
"So then you know this quote Jew: Either we shall find what it is we're seeking.."
(both) "..or at least we shall free ourselves from the persuasion that we know what we do not know."
"Let's free these men from their caves Jew. I doubt you believe in the augers any more than I do, but the astrologers surely see the new era we all live in and predict accordingly. Let's head off this new era's ignorance and blood by creating an era of our own. You know exactly what I'm going to quote now."
"Pericles?"
"Indeed. Recite it Jew."
“For the whole earth is the tomb of famous men; not only are they commemorated by columns and inscriptions in their own country, but in foreign lands there dwells also an unwritten memorial of them, graven not on stone but in the hearts of men. Make them your examples...
"Splendidus Iudaeus. Come, let's embrace on this."
And like a nimrod I went into that embrace. He pulled me into his huge and the divine Mr. Princeps gave me the kiss of betrayal upon the lips. He thereupon took my hand in quite gently, patted it, and after three seconds, the gentle stroke became an iron grip. He produced a dagger, immediately severing the artery in my arm, I literally thought he would saw my forearm completely off. My arm spurted blood in volumes and I could not help but scream so loud the entire beach heard me. The scream turned to whimpers and I could not help but weep in front of the world's master. Caesar Augustus then whispered into my ear from half a digitus:
"We've documented every manner in which you've ordered a subject executed. Cross me on this project Philistine and you'll watch as we use all those techniques on your children, then save a technique never yet seen in Judea for you."
Wherewith Caesar reached behind one of the ruins and produced a woolen coat.
"Come, put this on. Rhodes gets cold at night and it absorbs the blood like a bandage. No one will will even know you bleed. As Rome's protector in the East you have to sacrifice to Jupiter like us all tonight, then we'll parade you again in triumph back to your ship tomorrow. We'll give you golden armor to cover the wound."
At which point he hugged me again.
"Come, they're waiting for us at the temple."
No comments:
Post a Comment