800 Words: My Inner Hypochondriac

Evan’s Inner Hypochondriac: You’re having trouble writing because you’re having a stroke.

Evan: I’m having trouble writing because I can’t sleep and it’s really, really late and I put this off for a long while…and I might need a glass of water. Maybe I’m dehydrated.

EIH:  Aha! Moderate dehydration can result in short-term memory loss. But why can’t you reorganize  thoughts from both your last two posts? You must be having long-term memory problems! Perhaps the lack of water’s given you a stroke.

Evan: I’m not having a stroke. I can still type coherent thoughts and identify every tone I hear in this Eric Clapton album.

EIH: But why do you feel lightheaded all the time with lots of occasional dizziness?

Evan: Well the lightheadedness might be a result of listening to too much early-70’s rock.

EIH: Cue the sad trombone.

Evan: Seriously, I’m probably just still dehydrated.

EIH: But you drank four Gatorades today!

Evan: I’ve eaten almost nothing but Cholent and Matzoh Ball Soup leftovers for the last five days since the party and I had two glasses of whiskey last night. Counteracting that level of salt will take a while.

EIH: And yet your #1’s are still coming out clean as a whistle.

Evan: OK, that’s TMI even for this blog.

EIH: And last night at the bar you felt really dizzy halfway through your second whiskey. Oh my god, you had an ALCOHOL INDUCED STROKE! MUFFIN TSHIRT BOAR PINE DIPLODOCOUS!

Evan: Calm down, the alcohol probably just worsened the dehydration a little. Now I just have to keep drinking water and eating fruit through the weekend.

EIH: Yes but you’re going to New Jersey this weekend for a night of what will no doubt be heavy drinking whether you want it to or not.

Evan: Oh…my…god… I’M GOING TO HAVE A STROKE!!!! …. PANIC!!!!!

Evan’s Inner Rationality (opens the front door do Evan’s apartment with his left hand, in his right is a tray with four tall glasses of water): Here Evan, drink these right now.

(Evan gulps down each in quick succession)

EIR: How do you feel?

Evan: A little better.

EIR: You need to drink water after all that Gatorade in order for it to have the proper effect.

(EIR goes into the kitchen to refill the glasses)

EIH: If you drink too much more water you’ll die of water intoxication.

(EIR returns with one glass filled)

EIR: Alright, drink just this one glass.

(Evan drinks the fifth glass, he starts to burp uncontrollably and continues to do so for ten seconds)

EIR: Alright, don’t drink any more water for the next twenty minutes. How do you feel?

Evan: Less dizzy, but my stomach feels like it’s about to burst.

EIR: Well at least it’s from water this time.

EIH: If you keep feeding him water, his intestines might distend and burst.

EIR: That’s what peeing keeps you from doing.

EIH: I hate you.

Evan: Well I do still feel dizzy but I think I might have felt a little better for a little while. There’s inevitably a head rush when the dizzy spell is over, like the part of my brain that’s missing has come back to me. But I didn’t get the full head rush and I’m mostly feeling light-headed again. And now that rib is acting up again.

EIH: You see?! You’re already too far gone! Every attempt to prevent a stroke ends up with a broken rib!

EIR: He’s not having a stroke!

EIH: Well maybe it’s Early Onset Alzheimer’s!

EIR: He’s not having Early Onset Alzheimer’s either. He just eats too much salt.

EIH: Maybe salt causes Alzheimer’s Disease.

EIR: Salt causes you.

EIH: Well now you’ve just hurt my feelings.

EIR: I’m sorry.

EIH: I’d forgive you if I weren’t feeling sick.

EIR: What have you been eating the last few days?

Evan: Lots of beef stew and chicken soup. I ate a lot of pistachios this morning.

EIH: Have you thought about Mad Cow Disease?

Evan: I think of little but.

EIR: You may have salt sensitivity, but this is likely simple dehydration.

EIH: Oh dear god. Salt sensitivity is the diabetes of the salt family!

EIR: 75% of all Americans live in a state of perpetual dehydration.

Evan: How existential.

EIR: This dehydration can result in short-term memory loss caused by a slight lack of oxygen that the brain needs which can build up over time into occasional short-term memory loss. Not to mention, you just turned thirty and your bad living is now catching up to you.

Evan: Oh jesus, I’m suddenly feeling more dizzy than ever.

EIH: Water poisoning! I REIGN TRIUMPHANT!

EIR: That can be a number of things. It can also be oxygen returning to your brain. See how you feel in thirty seconds.

(everybody silently counts to thirty)

Evan: Actually, not too terrible. The light-headedness is definitely still there, but there are a few seconds at a time in which the fog feels like it lifts. Suddenly I feel like I have more energy too.

EIR: All you have to do is keep drinking so much water and you’ll feel fine.

(Evan’s Inner Laziness walks out of his bedroom)

EIL: Screw you guys! I’m leaving for New Jersey early. I’ll see you when Evan’s seven drinks into his bender.

Evan: See you there.

(EIL opens the door and leaves)

EIR: What's his problem?

EIH: You. And you'll be my problem in a second too if you don't stop giving advice.

EIR: I'm just trying to do the right thing.

EIH (to Evan): And you let him walk all over you like this?

Evan: I'm only following orders.

EIH: Alright Eichmann, let's get one thing straight. You're going to spend the rest of your life in a disease ridden cesspool of bad health, and if you don't like that, you can simply go to 7/11 and eat more Ben & Jerry's.

Evan: I haven't had any Ben & Jerry's in six months.

EIH: How dare you!

Evan: I've been trying to exercise and even to eat well, but that's tough to do in a world in which there's so much good food. The rewards of eating till you loathe yourself are awesome.

EIR: What are they?

Evan: Ersatz endorphins, general dull stupor, the sensory pleasure of eating.

EIR: We live in the absolute Golden Age of world cuisine, and you're still bingeing your way through giant cans of cashews and frosting. God knows how much overtime I'll be working after the inevitable day you turn into a foody.

EIH: Oh how I long for that day.

Evan: I'm trying, really I am.

EIR: Well who knows. It's probably time to find a real dietitian and trainer.

Evan: Can I try asking friends to serve as those?

EIR: Sure. Can't work any worse than the last few ideas.

Evan: Anybody out there good at supervising diets or exercise regimens?