The Cast of West Side Story: How They Died

Riff - Stabbed by Bernardo in the rumble underneath the highway.

Bernardo - Stabbed by Tony in the rumble underneath the highway.

Tony - Shot by Chino on a basketball court.

Chino - Beaten to death by prison guards twenty-eight years into his life without parole sentence at Sing-Sing.

Anita - Still alive, happily married to Pepe, having an affair with her grandson’s best friend.

Ice - Became a multi-millionaire by masterminding a 1980’s Wall Street Ponzi Scheme called 'Play It Cool Securities LLC.' Pushed out of his 50th floor office by his executive vice-president Bernie Madoff.

Baby John - Married Maria. Eventually killed because of a hit put out by Chino from prison due to his divorcing Maria to marry Natalie Wood, whom he subsequently drowned on a boat.

Maria - Married Baby John to cover up that she was having Tony's baby, became a multi-millionaire by selling the rights to her life to United Artists - Baby John met Natalie Wood on the set and left her. She then used her money to fund the Cuban revolution and moved to Bolivia to be near her one true love, Che Guevara. Whereabouts still unknown and #4 on the CIA most wanted list.

A-rab - Still alive. Stand-up comic trained for the borschtbelt but arrived just in time for the borschtbelt to disappear. Now makes his living playing to summer camps in Upstate New York and teaches a community college course called the 'Great Comedians and Gang Violence - from Shecky Green to Kanye West.'

Graziella - Broadway chorus girl who became a waitress. Shot at an audition by the director for singing a song from Rent.

Glad Hand - Shot in the late eighties at the inner city school after he quoted Perry Como lyrics to his students to give them inspiration. Student who was arrested called it a mercy killing.

Lieutenant Schrank - Demoted to traffic cop, became a private consultant and expert on Red Lining. Impaled on a gated community.

Anybody’s - Slipped on a Birkenstock.

Action - Still alive, Trump White House aide.

Officer Krupke - Choked on donut during the 1968 riots.