It's still only the night of Day 1.
Samuel Kirchenbaum is sitting in Aeli's office after a terrible day. Rather than be at his own bar-mitzvah party, Sammy is exhausted, hearing all the various complaints from all the congregants about their lives, to which he gives what he takes to be virtually non-sensical answers. No matter what he says, everybody thinks he's a prophet.
"My neighbors' sheep eat my crops."
"Build a fence?"
"HE IS GOD'S MESSENGER!"
"My wife says I talk too much."
"Talk less?"
"HE IS GOD'S GIFT TO US!"
"My daughter wants to marry a Levite."
"Does he make her happy?"
"I don't know."
"Find out."
"MOSHIACH!"
In comes a mysterious man with a J on his cassock.
"I saw your speech today."
"I guess you thought it was wonderful?"
"It sucked."
"What?"
"It was the worst bar-mitzvah speech I've seen in years, and I've tutored thousands of bar-mitzvah students."
"You have?"
"Haven't you heard of me?"
(mysterious man gives Samuel a card: JESSE THE BAR-MITZVAH MAN)
"Well, I just had my bar mitzvah and apparently I'm the boss of Israel now so you're about the last person I need."
"Being a leader is just like having a bar mitzvah."
"Oh..."
"You need to seem excited to be there and even if the material is drek you have to say it like it's the most exciting thing in the world."
"Why should I do that? Isn't the reason everybody liked me because I told them the truth that we're in deep trouble?"
"Yeah, but that's exciting isn't it?"
"I don't get it."
"Look, I'm a Bar Mitzvah man. I tutor the kids on their portion, I help them write the speeches and my family plans the parties: I do the logistics, my sister does the budget, my mother does the decorations, my wife does the catering and my sons do the music. Your mom didn't hire me cuz she couldn't afford me but all the reikhers come to me and they don't have to zorg about a thing."
"So what do you know about leading Israel?"
"Not much, but I've been doing this for forty years. I know everybody who's ever had dealings with the leaders of Israel and passed through Shiloh. Every macher from anywhere who wants to make a lot of money does their Bar Mitzvah here at the temple so that the elders get to know them. I know their families, I know their servants, I know their secrets, I know exactly who to talk to and who to pay to make a simcha go right, and between you and me I know exactly who to talk to to make a simcha go wrong."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you know anything about leading Israel."
"The biggest secret is that nobody knows anything about leading Israel."
(Sammy laughs)
"Look at Aeli, may his memory be a blessing. Everything you said about that schmendrik was right, but why did everybody keep him in power?"
"Cuz they liked him?"
"Cuz they LIKED him! Look at the way he talked about you. Being Sammy Kirchenbaum, you made it easy, but he talks that way about the vildeh chayehs too who go into merchants' stores and slather humus on their drapes. That's a lot harder!"
"I did like Aeli."
"Between you and me, boychik, did Hashem really come to you and say all that?"
"Of course he did!"
"You're a smart kid, everybody knows about that, you didn't get some politics into your keppe that Hashem wanted you to do this without Hashem telling you to."
"No! He told me!"
"Well, then I guess it wasn't just luck."
"What do you mean it wasn't just luck?"
"You stand there like a schmuck for thirty seconds shpieling with a knife and the guy just drops dead... that's luck."
"That's not luck. That was Hashem! He told me to kill Aeli!"
"But you didn't kill Aeli, Hashem killed Aeli. He dropped dead when you couldn't even get your sword out of your tzitzis."
"Well,... maybe he was scared that I was going to kill him."
"THERE WE GO!"
"There what go?"
"That's the kind of thinking you need!"
"What do you mean."
"If you're going to be the boss of Israel, you've gotta think quick! Quicker than all those merchants who want to sell you a Torah for half the temple grain, quicker than all those priests who want to charge new couples half their savings for a bris, quicker than all those butchers who will show you a stable that keeps cattle when all their other stables keep camels."
"So how do I think quick?"
"By coming up with what you just came up with! How many kids do you think lose their speech right before they had to give it? I'll tell you, it isn't that many, but in forty years it's been more than fifty. How many do you think didn't know what to say up there?"
Sammy says nothing.
"None!"
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