Last Will and Testament of Herod the Great--Very Rough Draft
I, Herod-ben-Antipater, being of unsound mind and unsounder body, do hereby bequeathe the following.
By order of Empress and Domina Livia in the name of Autokrator Dominum Nostrum Princeps Imperator Caesar Augustus in the year 759, I hereby invest Annaus Iacobus-ben-Flavius as Lord High Priest of the Judeans, under the auspices of Syrian Governor Varus.
The objectives of Annaus are as follows:
1. Build relations with assimilated Sadducees as countervailing force to Pharisee fanatics, with tax credits and housing inducements to greater observance of Jewish faith in Roman supervised ritual practice, involving more involved synagogue participation, more frequent temple tributes and sacrifices, and the cultivation of a rabbinate more amenable to secular influence that will moderate the more fanatical rulings of Pharisee rabbis like President Shammai, against whom the Holy Father Hillel's opposition is insufficient to be meaningful.
2. As Hillel and Shammai proved themselves incapable of being assassinated by Herod--Shammai having emerged unburnt from a stake, Hillel having walked off a crucifix--further attempts to assassinate them may encourage the perception of weakness in Rome's standing, therefore rather than assassination, they must be watched without cease and their ordinances countermanded vigilantly.
Further Notes:
1. A rumor has gripped the land that Herod died because Hillel stabbed him while Shammai held him down. Irregardless of this rumor's veracity, intelligence must propagate an alternate rumor into city speculation which elucidates the probable truth: that Herod died from overwhelming natural causes which long threatened his life. Rumor goes about Judea that Herod had frequent bouts of septicemia first acquired when Imperator Augustus demanded a blood oath, but surely Rome cannot be held responsible for the misfortunes of its colonized, and therefore mention of this rumor must be punishable by crucifixion.
2. We must note an opportunity. At Herod's death he was found preserved in a vat of honey, as odd as that seems, even for Herod, we must therefore note a dissenting note from an analyst who believes that Herod died of murder. There is even one rumor that he died at his own hand. As unlikely as that is for a man of great self-possession, this rumor could in fact be encouraged, because it would cause a perception of weakness in a royal family that the entire Syrian governate agrees has grown far too unheedful of Rome's directives.
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Tale #3: Foccaccia--Rough Draft
Minutes of Roman Imperator Family Council--
Julia Augusta (Livia): We have to discuss the matter of Herod's surviving children.
Caesar Augustus: I can't be bothered with the dealings of yet another dysfunctional family.
Livia: You will be bothered by this one! Herod has divided his kingdom into three parts for each of his living sons.
Tiberius Claudius Nero: I suppose this is their reward for surviving him.
Livia: TACE STULTUS! They're coming to Rome together in a show of mutual support to have you rule on who is the successor.
Caesar: Those idiots! While all of them are here their kingdoms will fall apart.
Nero Claudius Drusus (Germanicus): Some local Herodian colonel could easily conquer half the country in their absence before the Governor in Syria even knows.
Gaius Julius Caesar the younger: I guarantee that one of these children has already shored up local support and means to kill the others regardless of your ruling.
Caesar: Ah. Smart as boiled asparagus that one. Not yet eighteen and he already understands the machinations of princes.
Livia: And yet you don't if you don't establish a single heir!
Caesar: (pounds table) I will designate my heirs as I see fit!
Germanicus: It would seem that Herod has deliberately divided the country among his sons so that they'll kill each other.
Caesar: That Herod truly was one of my best decisions...
Tiberius: Well, at least his sons are intelligent enough to ally themselves.
Livia: Stop talking about what you don't understand.
Tiberius: All I said was!...
Livia: You don't understand politics filius, you're here for military reasons.
Tiberius: Oh and what does the most hated person in Rome know about politics?
Livia: Much more than her child it seems because he can't keep his mouth quiet when he should be listening.
Lucius: Germanicus, didn't you say something about an asset we were already cultivating?
Caesar: Oh, listen to him, already having his ear about the goings on at court.
Livia: STOP SPOILING YOUR GRANDCHILDREN!
Caesar: (pounds desk again) THEY'RE MY GRANDCHILDREN AND THEY NEED THE CONFIDENCE TO RUN AN EMPIRE! I'M CEASAR AND IF I WANT TO PRAISE MY ISSUE FOR BEING INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS YOU DON'T DARE STOP ME!
(slight pause)
Livia: Might I inquire if Caesar has had lunch?
Caesar: That's the first productive thing you've said in this meeting.
Livia: Tiberius, go see about some food.
Tiberius: Mother, I....
Livia: SEE ABOUT THE FOOD! I'll let you know everything you missed. Germanicus, please answer Lucius's question.
Germanicus: Unfortunately the asset was considered important and compromising should the identity be revealed that he reported only to Nicolas of Damascus, who has gone into hiding and has not emerged. Not even Agrippa knew the identity, so the asset very well may have been killed by Herod. But the will of Herod specifies that his son Archileus gets all the territory around Jerusalem, his son Antipas gets the land around the Galilee, and his son Philip gets the Golan.
Tiberius: Well mother, speaking from my military expertise Philip is in the best position, even if he controls a shit region.
Livia: WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN ABOUT THE FOOD YET?
Tiberius: With all due haste Domina (bows and leaves).
Caesar: Where is Salome in all this?
Germanicus: She's been bequeathed all the crops and products coming out of Yavneh.
Caesar: That's not inconsiderate. His opinion of her must have been larger toward the end.
Germanicus: She's considerately formidable. She personally marched down to Sheol to countermand an order by Herod for the guards to kill all the imprisoned nobles on his death.
Caesar: Wasn't there a rumor that Herod wanted to execute the entire Sanhedrin on the day he died so that people wouldn't celebrate his death?
Germanicus: We can't prove that Herod ordered it, but if he did, Salome may have been responsible for stopping that as well.
Caesar: It's a shame we can't support a woman.
(room goes quiet)
Gaius: So who should we support?
Germanicus: Archileaus is clearly the most gifted. He's been giving stump speeches all over Judea and Summaria about how he will countermand all Herod's unjust laws.
Lucius: Has he yet?
Caesar: Wonderful Lucius how you got to the point right away. (turns to wife) Don't you dare Livia....
Livia: (shrugs) I didn't say anything... (to Germanicus) Well has he?
Germanicus: No. But the people...
Caesar: No no no no... this is what I wanted Gaius to report on. Let him give it.
Gaius: The people chose a publius to represent them and make demands on Archilaeus.
Caesar: And they are?
Gaius: 1. The yearly income tax should be reduced. 2. Duties on public sales and purchases should be ended.
Lucius: Isn't that called a sales tax?
Caesar: Splendid Lucius, yes, but this is Gaius's presentation, do go on.
Gaius: 3. Liberation of all the prisoners, including non-politicals who may have been convicted for political reasons. 4. Imprisonment of all the Sanhedrin who voted the death sentence when Judeans destroyed our Eagles. 5. The Roman-chosen high priest Annaus be removed and the Sanhedrin appoint a new one.
Caesar: (applauds) Excellent Gaius! Excellent! (looks around to compel everyone else to applaud, they comply) Well we don't like #4 do we but you presented it so well!
(Tiberius returns with three boxes of focaccia topped with tomato sauce and melted romano)
Caesar: Here we are. Do any of these at least have sausage on it?
Tiberius: One's salami, one's prosciutto.
Caesar: I know everyone likes these fancy meats but just once I wish we would order a foccaccia with plain Roman sausage.
Tiberius: I surely will Mr. Princeps, the other one's just as Mater likes it: mushrooms, onions and artichoke.
Livia: Thank you filius.
Tiberius: Anything for you Domina.
Caesar: You see? He does care about you!
Tiberius: I certainly do (bends down to kiss his mother on the cheek), and I heard applause, I take it Gaius has given another wonderful presentation?
Caesar: (smiling) Your irony is noted but Gaius is learning very quickly. A fine Caesar he would make, and so would you Lucius!
Tiberius: This is going to end so we...
Livia: TIBERIUS!
(pause)
Caesar: Well obviously Archilaeus won't agree to these terms.
Germanicus: He did.
Caesar: He did? How?
Germanicus: He's also said that he can't do it unless he gets an imperial sanction from you.
Caesar: Oh, this one is gifted! We'll have to keep a watch on him.
Gaius: Is he well-favored towards us?
(Caesar lights up and smiles, then looks desperate, he looks at Livia and throws his hands up)
Livia: ...Now it's me who's proud Caesar (touches his arm).
Germanicus: That remains to be seen. What has been seen though is his methods. When he delayed acceeding the demands, the people of Jerusalem revolted.
Tiberius: As they always do.
Livia: (shakes head) I give up...
Germanicus: They rebelled during a very hot day so they stopped demonstrating and rioting around noon.
Caesar: I'm amazed that doesn't happen more often in the south, all that heat....
Germanicus: And he used that moment to order his soldiers to massacre the demonstrators. 3000 marchers dead.
Caesar: Well, there we have it, we have our new Herod.
Gaius: So we have to back one of his brothers?
Caesar: No my dear, we back him!
Gaius: I don't understand.
Caesar: If there's one thing my dealings with Herod taught me, it's that stability matters more than long term principles. This boy would win their war anyway. We'd either have to kill him, which makes him a martyr to one faction of Judea who'd then declare war on us, or we'd back him, and he'd murder the opposition that would declare war on us if he didn't murder them. Men like Herod disappointed me terribly, but he made our decisions fairly easy. Let's open the foccaccia now, did they provide any plates?
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Tale #4 - Thriving
Caesar: ...Archilaus two years ago I stood with you IN THIS ROOM and I backed you as the successor to your father because I thought you were clearly were the most gifted of your brothers. I heard you put down a revolt and massacred two thousand demonstrators who had broken for lunch, and thought here was a boy as ruthless as his father and it would be senseless to stand in his way. Now I find out you're as incompetent as every other vassal king in this sorry empire.
Archilaus: If I recall correctly Mr. Princeps, you called all three of us idiots.
Caesar: Yes well you ARE idiots. While you went on this good will sojourn to Rome your slaves mounted a revolt and set fire to half the royal palaces in Judea!
Archilaus: With all due respect, Caesar, there was no way of knowing that a slave revolt was imminent. The last time there was a major slave revolt in the Empire was in the time of First Triumvera...
Caesar: (interrupting) Yes we all know about Spartacus! But then a group of two thousand Idumean soldiers revolted because they hadn't been paid.
Archilaus: That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't sent Sabinius to repossess the temple treasures.
Caesar: Well can you imagine what any of those groups might have done if they had access to your treasures? They'd have conquered the whole Levant as quick as boiled asparagus. And then you had a revolt in the South from shepherds! SHEPHERDS!
Archilaus: Well they were facing Roman soldiers, not Judean.
Caesar: Are you publicly questioning the skill of Roman soldiers IN MY OFFICE?
Archilaus: My apologies Caesar, I would never...
Caesar: Spare me. I knew what it was to learn that Jewish kings are cleverer than me, but I never thought I'd learn what it is to manage an incompetent Jewish king.
Archilaus: Caesar, if you...
Caesar: If you hadn't come to Rome in some false display of solidarity and simply killed your brothers like a proper barbarian this would have never happened. Now everyone else in Judea's going to die and their King has left for Rome AGAIN!
Archilaus: If Caesar would just allow me to explain.
Caesar: As though there's any explanation for this.
Archilaus: The revolts that happened in our absence were really not as big as the reports.
Caesar: How could they possibly be as big as the reports....
Archilaus: There was no existential threat to Judea's Roman presence, just minor skirmishes that were easily put down when we returned. But a new threat has arisen that really is existential.
Caesar: My analysts never sounded so afraid as they did about those Judean revolts, and now you tell me those were minor compared to what's happening now?
Archilaus: There is a man, his name is Judah of Galilee, who lead a force and defeated a legion to take the fort in Tzippori.
Caesar: Vassal you will refer to that city as Diocaesaria in Rome.
Archilaus: He burned the fort in Diocaesaria but he took all the Roman weapons, he's taken all the Roman money, and he's turned nearly half the soldiers in our army to his cause with bigger pay than we can possibly afford.
Caesar: (pauses for a second) Were any of our eagles in that fort?
Archilaus: I... don't know.
Caesar: WERE ANY OF OUR EAGLES IN THAT FORT?
Archilaus: I don't know.
Caesar: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ROMAN EAGLES ARE IN YOUR COUNTRY?
Archilaus: It didn't seem relevant.
Caesar: Your country is in flames and the symbol of the Roman army doesn't seem relevant to you?
Archilaus: With all due respect, Caesar, the legion is fundamentally uncompromised. There were a few hundred deaths but the vast majority of the legion is still functional and fighting.
Caesar: You Jews have no sense of honor. Eagles are not just trinkets, they're as holy as a torah, and imagine there are only thirty torahs in the world. To lose one is a desecration against Jove and all gods on Olympus.
Archilaus: Sire I did not understa...
Caesar: IT'S YOUR BUSINESS TO UNDERSTAND!
Archilaus: Yes Caesar.
Caesar: I have never done this in all my years as Princeps of Rome. You leave me no choice but to fire a king. You will not be tried, you will not be executed. You will become a full citizen of Rome, given all the honors of a King in exile, not that you deserve them. But you will make a speech to the Roman Senate extolling the glory and generosity of Rome and her selfless service to your ungovernable country and justify a request to make Judea a Roman governate. You will personally request military aid amounting to three legions to defeat this Judah of Galilee and avenge Rome losing her eagle. The Senate will be so inspired by your loyalty that they will insist upon sending four legions to Galilee and I will make the Nabatean king send his army just in case the Roman army is too lenient. Every soldier fighting for Judah of Galilee will be crucified where the Judean public can see them. Then you will retire to a villa in the beautiful South of Gaul, full of wineries, plentiful crops, beautiful slaves, friendly neighbors and YOU WILL NEVER MAKE YOURSELF HEARD FROM AGAIN!
Archilaus: Yes, Caesar.
Caesar: I thought Jews were the cleverest people we have: the best administrators, the best scribes and artisans in the Empire AND THE BEST POLITICIANS! I celebrated your duplicity and defended it as your people's greatest trait! Now I find that without Herod you're as incompetent as everyone else and twice as obnoxious.
Archilaus: I'm sorry Caesar, I've failed you.
Caesar: Say what you will about those German idiots in the North, they tell the truth and have a sense of honor, but you Jews have no symbol that means enough to you to make you understand the importance of an eagle except a book that most of you can't even read. You can't even see your own god, how do we know you even believe in him?
Archilaus: Caesar, I assure you my people believe in this god very much.
Caesar: They must if they care this much about overthrowing us, but who knows if their god is even their real motive? There is nothing they cannot part with, nothing they cannot justify. Everything is survival to them and they will lie, bribe, steal and argue their way back to life: I could kill every Jew in the world and still it would seem like you're all thriving.
Archilaus: This is everything my father said.
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Tale #5 - Only One Way - First Draft
(Hillel and Shammai are packing their office)
Shammai: Just one last time, are you sure this means we can't die?
Hillel: I thought we were in agreement here!
Shammai: I just want to be certain.
Hillel: I've never been certain of anything in my life and I am of this! You couldn't be burned at the stake, I walked off a crucifix. I got shot with a bow and arrow, I lost three logs of blood.
Shammai: Again, I'm sorry about that.
Hillel: We can't be responsible for all our meshuggeh followers.
Shammai: ...Thank you for that.
Hillel: Then you got stabbed with a knife... how many times?
Shammai: Eighteen.
Hillel: Well, there you go, Chai's your sign.
Shammai: I'd rather we have the basis for this on law.
Hillel: I ruled that Vayikra 18:5 means that wherever possible you live to serve the law, not die to serve it. I ruled that and you agreed with me!
Shammai: It was under... compromised circumstances. We were worried every Jew was going to die.
Hillel: And this isn't? We've both been killed twice now, once by the Romans, once by the Jews, and neither of us died.
Shammai: Right, so?
Hillel: You're reasonably sure my followers killed you, I'm reasonably sure your followers killed me.
Shammai: Right...
Hillel: So if they can't kill us, they're going to kill our replacements.
Shammai: OK...
Hillel: So we have to get our followers out of Jerusalem before they kill each other and the Romans kill everybody else. You read the same report about the legions as me.
Shammai: I'm still not certain that's going to happen.
(Hillel laughs)
Hillel: You realize what's happening now...
Shammai: I'm a little confused.
Hillel: I'm the one who's certain and you're the one who's seeing ambiguity everywhere.
Shammai: I'm not uncertain I'm ju... alright I'm uncertain.
Hillel: Geb a kook, think again for a minute, it's the perfect system. We both set up Yeshivas, I go to Yavneh, you go to Tsfat. Once every eighteen months, you come to my school with a bodyguard, I come to yours, you interview my students, I interview your students, and from them we pick each others' students to be new Sanhedrin.
Shammai: This still just strikes me as compromise over truth.
Hillel: It IS compromise over truth. Compromise over truth is why we're still alive.
Shammai: The compromises might be what motivate us all to kill each other.
Hillel: That's why we have to keep them far apart!
Shammai: So that's a compromise within a compromise?
Hillel: OK, yeah, it's a compromise squared... but if they don't kill each other before they learn to behave, eventually we can fill the Sanhedrin with real khakhams who know their drek.
Shammai: If both of us are choosing the most moderate students we're not appointing the khakhams.
Hillel: Alright then, real rabbis. If they're mediocre they're mediocre, but it's better than Sanhedrin executing their own fathers.
Shammai: Well now we're gonna be under the auspices of Rome.
Hillel: So?
Shammai: They might put us under the same threats as Herod did.
Hillel: Of course they might.
Shammai: So es helft vi a teytn bankes.
Hillel: Alright, so it helps like leeches on a corpse, but at least it's one less threat to the Sanhedrin.
Shammai: We've got bigger threats.
Hillel: I know, I know, the Roman appointed priests.
Shammai: So don't you see what's coming next?
Hillel: Maybe?
Shammai: They don't try to rule through the Sanhedrin or Pharisees like us, they'll go through the Sadducees and the Priests.
Hillel: Oh those fucking Kohanim...
Shammai: LANGUAGE!
Hillel: I told you years ago to get me a swear jar. Of course it's going to be through them, that's why we need a united opposition that won't break and ally with those rich bogeds.
Shammai: ...emes.
Hillel: (pauses to consider this concession) I always appreciated what a mensch you are Shammai.
Shammai: Ir aykh Hillel. You might have been compromising, but you were never duplicitous.
Hillel: So you admit compromise doesn't lead to duplicity?
Shammai: Just in your case... which is why I trusted you.
Hillel: You always worked with me, I was genuinely dershteynt.
Shammai: Maybe it really does come down to the character of the man.
Hillel: What do you mean?
Shammai: We can put all the holds in place, make things as lawful as possible so nobody with a greyser yetzer ha'ra can exploit the rest of us, but if there's a person with enough yetzer ha'ra, they'll find a way.
Hillel: I'm not sure whether that's always been your point or mine.
Shammai: I can't believe I'm asking you this Hillel, but I have to ask.
Hillel: OK, I won't tell anybody.
Shammai: Did we solve more problems than we caused?
Hillel: (frankly) I don't know.
Shammai: It seems like everything we did, every ruling we made, Herod used it to his advantage. Yours, mine, it was all the same to him.
Hillel: He was a very gifted man, but we didn't do bad enough for him to kill us all.
Shammai: Apparently Hashem wants both of us not to be killed.
Hillel: (pats him on the shoulder) That's the ruakh.
Shammai: Maybe he does want us to start these schools.
Hillel: There's only one way to find out. Geb a kook, the sun's coming up, Shacharit's about to start. (grabs tefilin out of his desk)
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Tale 6: An Interview with Judas of Galilee
Welcome to the Sepph Hippodrome Y, we begin this evening with an interview with the leader of the new rebellion: Judas of Galilee is here. He is one of our most distinguished rebels and public intellectuals. His pamphlet, Zealotry: The Fourth Way, has inspired killings all around the North, and he himself has ordered the deaths of all those in the Galilee who registered for the Roman census and sacked Roman Empire depositories of gold, orichalcum and silver in Scythopolis, Ceasaria Maritima, Gamia, Sepphoris and Caesaria Philippi. I am pleased to have him at this table.
Judas of Galilee: Thank you Charlus.
(A Roman centurion walks on the stage and stabs Judas of Galilee)
Fin.
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Tale 7: Amici Caesaris
Iuly 4th, Ab Urbe Conditia 759
Amici Caesaris,
We have a grave problem, a cataclysmic problem, a semantic problem to be exact, a semitic problem to be approximate. To tell about the nature of this problem is difficult because the problem itself is better at articulating problems than we are.
We are accustomed to thinking our imperial subjects barbarians. One after another kills each other, and their motive for murder is utterly clear: wealth, they wish to accumulate, threats, they wish to eliminate, fear, they wish to inspire. We in Rome can help the most ruthless among them fully realize their barbaric potential and are only too happy to let them freely indulge in it so we may continue our organization of the civilisation that rules over them.
But the Jews, they are not barbarians. Or, if they are, they are something still more difficult: barbarians who think like the civilized. The threat from Roman Jews is more easily understood: they are our friends and donors, they are if anything too good at playing civilisation, and too easily throw about their influence. Even were such influence not a demerit to true Roman virtue, it would nevertheless signify a threat to the patrician class that so many amiable and intelligent barbarians can simply buy their way into our company by virtue of inborn talent.
It is very easy to think these Jews of the Levant less intelligent or corrupting, due to their odd appearances and abrasive lack of etiquette. That would be a calamitous underestimation. As with our problem's progenitor Herod, their shrewdness is every bit as developed, their critical faculties every bit as honed.
What they lack is schooling as we and the Greeks understand it, and thus, they are not beholden by precision to hit at the root cause of problems, which, as you all know, The Philosopher demands in his Nicomachean Ethics. And therefore, in their approximations, they are allowed to permit themselves infinite nuance to tell truths subjectively, and thus evade the precision and might of Roman law. In our courts, we have complaints that they argue as sophists do. On the witness stand, they tell the truth only in approximations and give their opinions on what happens rather than the truth itself.
As you know, we have seen this trait in our Eastern Jews for generations, but now that Caesar has deigned to make Judea a governate, this problem invades our advisory chambers.
After the first joint meeting of Herod's sons as claimants to the Judean throne, each sent their advocate. rather than represent themselves, and rather than argue the objective truth, they can argue as Sophists do in opinion and perception. They uniformly do not state 'this is the truth,' they state 'I believe.' Belief is endemic to the Judeans, and while I have no objectivity to give this claim, I submit that their belief in the unknowability of ultimate truths is the greatest threat to Rome in our history, and we must convince Caesar of such before their beliefs infect our discoveries of truth.
You all know that Caesar is determined not to repeat his rash judgement which deemed Archilaus the proper King of Judea. You also know that the new claimants to the Judean throne are being adjudicated with all due deliberation over a period of months. What you do not know is that yesterday, a designated team of advocates for our threat, Judah of Galilee, insisted upon being seen with the guarantee that the rebellion would cease were their demands met. They had but one demand, that Judea become the republic which Rome once had, and which Caesar still pays heed to returning the country to even over the objections of Domina Livia. Obviously, we could not grant this request. The principal advocate, one Yokhanan of the Judean Hill Country, then immediately switched his demand to that Judah of Galilee be made King of Judea, and then when we said that no king suitable for Judea would ever entertain a republic, he immediately denied he ever said Judea should be a republic. Of course, we told him, we have it recorded scrupulously in our minutes that he said it, as is good government policy dictates since Divine Julius. The minutes were duly read back. However, said record is now missing from our archives, along with all copies. When questioned about this, all the advocates were plainly in our company from the moment they arrived to the moment the minutes went missing, and thus have impenetrable alibis.
Within seven minutes of the advocates' arrival, a messenger duly came with the happy missive that Judah of Galilee is now dead. The advocate now presented one of his fellow advocates, a Pharisee called Zadok whose town of origin they refused to name so they might not perjure themselves. The lead advocate presented Zadok the Pharisee as the new and rightful King of Judea, who is ready to make Judea precisely the trial liberal kingdom Caesar so rashly proposed to Judea's tyrant Herod. All these contortions, mind you, happened within a ten minute window.
Until such time as the records appear again, we are officially forced to entertain the claim, even as Caesar has no intention of granting it. We cannot allow for Judea or any other kingdom to learn that we will entertain this trial project, or demands of it will multiply geometrically throughout the empire. Our men in Judea must be on the lookout for any and all ships and any and all letters, to the point of killing all passengers on all ships going into Israeli ports or even any private shore unaccounted for. Every Roman soldier in Judea and Syria must be dispatched posthaste all along the Mediterranean coastline for search and seizure. Whatever rebellion lack of policing causes, it will be insignificant next to the rebellion fomented by the knowledge that we are officially hearing this claim.
In the name of Caesar I hereby invoke Operation Cincinnatus to dispatch all messengers to Judea and Syria to convey this order to the governors. By order of Caesar, I also dispatch legions III Cyrenaica, II Triana, XII Fulminata, and XXII Deotariana to Syrian base camp with the standby order to prepare march upon Judea.
Senatus Publius Qui Romanus,
Gaius Cilnius Maecenas
Deputy Magister Equitum, Consul ex-officio, Consolium Principis to Princeps Caesar Augustus
--------------------------------
Amici Caesaris,
Kindly disregard the order of the great and honorable Maecenas. He is the most Roman of us all, but if we are to run an empire, we must occasionally do as the empire does. We will duly consider the motion, we will roundly reject it, and we will tie every other petition up in the lower courts in perpetuum.
Your Dear Friend Who Misses You All,
Augustus
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Tale 8: Buta ben Baba
Mr. Princeps Caesar Augustus and Domina Livia,
I know we have not communicated before, but immediately upon my release from jail my contact ordered me to send all future reports to directly to you, Revered One and Mater Patriae. To say the least, I am flabergasted to be reporting directly to the masters of the Roman world after my life hung in the balance for eighteen months on end.
I am told that Caesar is not a man for fawning, so that is the last reference shall make to the reverence in which I have always held you both.
The Sanhedrin has determined to make its President an hereditary post, and but for Shammai's brief sojourn as its head, the position now falls to Shimon ben Hillel: yes, of that line, and he was approved by unanimous consent, clearly by order of Shammai.
The first order of business was that the Shammaian party, lead by one Buta ben Baba, proposed a ruling on going to war on the Sabbath. One would expect that the School of Shammai, due to their strict interpretation of Jewish law, would stand by the injunction, but the School of Shammai has long since dropped all pretense to neutrality--at least for the moment, and is willing to entertain any and all measures to fight what they refer to as 'the Occupation.' They point to the example of your General Pompey who used that prohibition to attack Jerusalem on Sabbath (sometimes called Shabbos) and since then they've never gotten rid of Rome (please note: your new man in Judea says that with approval).
However, the School of Hillel, holding an equal number of seats, did not let the motion pass, the vote was tied 35-35. It is quite probable that the Hillelians held strict instructions from their master that any resolution about war would rightly be seen by Rome as a provocation.
The entire Shammaian party left the Sanhedrin chamber and walked out en masse to the Temple Courtyard, perhaps it was all planned and the entire meeting of the Sanhedrin was a kind of procedural theater. The Shammaians are lead by one Buta ben Baba, who mounted the Temple's western wall and made a frankly magnificent speech to all those assembled in the public courtyard about not appeasing Rome (I refer to its quality merely so Caesar can understand the jubilant effect it had on the public), however, the peroration of his speech was interrupted by the entrance from the Chain Gate by one Zadok, whom my contact assures me Caesar is familiar with some hundred twenty followers. He refers to his followers as Zealots or Kanna'im in the Hebrew tongue. Zadok explained that they are there to rebel against what they believe is Hillel's appeasement and collaboration and they demand the lives of every Sanhedrin Rabbi from the School of Hillel be forfeit. To the perhaps shock of these Zealots, it was the Shammaians who blocked the door to the Sanhedrin chamber and the unsuspecting party of liberality. Buta ben Baba made a second brief speech entreating the citizens of Jerusalem to defend the Sanhedrin. What followed was a terribly bloody melee in which were killed no less than seventeen Shammaian rabbis and yet another one wounded. The Shammaians covered themselves in valor defending these more progressive Rabbis whose deaths they would entirely welcome in the right circumstances.
This had the further result that the Hillelians have actually expanded the Sanhedrin to 71; fully allowing the Shammaians an extra seat so that the 17 empty seats may be replenished by the School of Shammai, and the surviving Rabbi too may reclaim his seat upon return from convalescence.
The Shammaians have eminently earned this seat, but there is no future plan for parity, so while Hillel rules in figure, Shammai rules indeed.
Reverentur Summito,
Your Man in Jerusalem
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Tale IX: Grace of Mars
Caesar Augustus: Now see here Coponius, here is the ultimate evidence we take this matter of the gravest seriousness. You know your counterpart in Syria, Publius Sulpicius Quirinius, and he's sailed all the way to Rome. You'll sail back together and Quirinius will tell you everything you conceivably need to know.
Coponius: Thank you Caesar.
Caesar: You know my wife, Livia, from whom I hide no matter of state.
Coponius: Of course, Domina.
Livia: I wish you all the very best of luck in that impossible province. May you succeed where everyone else fails.
Caesar: Now now Matronia, we don't want to prejudice our worthy appointee toward failure. Coponius my confidence in you is infinitum.
Coponius: Thank you Caesar.
Caesar: And this man, of course, needs no introduction. My new adopted son, Tiberius.
Coponius: I was so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandchildren Caesar.
Caesar: And you may not know him by sight but all Rome knows the reputation of Gaius Cilnius Maecenus.
Coponius: Of course. It is an honor
Caesar: Yes, well, all of us sacrifice for Rome don't we? They were good boys and would have been fine Emperors.
(pause)
Coponius: Yes, Caesar.
Caesar: Fortunately, this one is here to pick up the affairs of state while we wait for young Postumus over there to mature into the head of state we know he can be.
(Gestures at Marcus Agrippa Postumus playing with two dogs in the corner of the office. Empress Livia scowls.)
Coponius: Yes, Caesar.
Caesar: And you may not know him by face, but all Rome knows Gaius Cilnius Maecenus by reputation.
Coponius: Of course. Magister, it is an honor.
Maecenus: Yes I'm sure it is.
Caesar: And Tiberius, no mere focaccia today, correct?
Tiberius: No, Caesar. (Livia looks at him sharply, Tiberius clicks heels and bows) a six-course meal including roast peacock, flamingo tongue, sow's womb and stuffed doormice.
Caesar: Ah yes, I do love stuffed doormice but can you go to the kitchen and make sure they're serving Patina de Pisciculis? If I'm not mistaken that's known as your favorite dish, is it not Coponius?
Coponius: I'm sure whatever Caesar serves us cannot help but be delicious.
Caesar: Nonsense, you're our hero setting off to the privations of the East, you must leave us with the taste of Rome in you!
Coponius: Thank you Caesar.
Caesar: Jacobus!
Flavius Jacobus: Yes, Caesar.
Caesar: Can you please tell the valet on the other side of the hall that we're ready to be served?
Jacobus: With pleasure Caesar.
Caesar: Yes. Hurry please, you still have to give your briefing.
Jacobus: Of course, Caesar (bows).
Caesar: (waits a moment) Now that he's off, let me tell you to mind what he says. He's very clever that Jacobus but he's bound to tell us things that are half-truths.
Coponius: So he's a liar?
Caesar: Not exactly. He tells things that are true without being entirely true. That's what I find so clever about these Jews. They're always called liars, but I've never caught one directly in a lie. They merely omit from the truth what they don't wish you to know.
Coponius: (misses the moment when Caesar thinks he should answer, then he snaps to) Astonishing, Caesar!
Caesar: Your job is to study them.
Coponius: To know what they're omitting?
Caesar: Yes, but also to emulate them! There is more utility in their way of telling the truth than a million Roman lies.
Coponius: Truly fascinating, Caesar.
Caesar: Here he comes. Pay close mind to what he says, if you read between his words, you will be overwhelmed with his cleverness.
(The text cuts off here. Presumably the disappeared segment is Flavius Jacobus's presentation upon the state of Judea, in both senses, and what is required for its maintenance. - Dr. Richard Westenbach, Free University of Berlin, 1954)
Jacobus: Therefore my recommendation is for a census that will account for every citizen of Judea who then can be watched vigilantly, and as, again, the middle class is mostly pharisee, a tax rate of one third on all middle class households: merchants, guildmen, scribes, landowners, large commercial farmers. These are the people most likely to donate to revolutionary causes, and therefore we have to deplete their income base.
Caesar: (claps) Splendid! Absolutely magnificent! Coponius, Postumus, I hope you were taking great care to hear everything he said.
Coponius: Yes, Caesar.
Caesar: I particularly liked what he had to say abo(ut)....
(The text cuts off here yet again)
Caesar: So we simply can't impose a census on the Jews without imposing it on the whole Empire. We don't want to seem antisemitic after all Maecenus.
Maecenus: Indeed Caesar, who could doubt that?
Caesar: I understand your concern that the census might set off rebellions all throughout the empire but it would be a wonderful chance to flex the full might of those legions you seem so eager to demonstrate at the first sign of any rebellion at all.
Maecenus: I apologize again for that Caesar.
Caesar: No, perhaps you're right. Perhaps this empire needs some rebellions to show what happens when you cross the justice of Rome.
Livia: Pardon me, Caesar mea amor?
Caesar: Yes, amor of my life?
Livia: Isn't the whole point of having this magnificent army that we never have to use it?
Maecenus: Forgive me Domina, but what is the point of that?
Livia: Isn't the power of our army implied? Don't our subjects look on its mighty brutality and think there but for the grace of Mars go I?
Caesar: Yes, but not enough.
Livia: What is enough, then?
Caesar: Dearest Domina, we occasionally have to show that we're willing to use this army.
Livia: Use it? Once we use it we will never stop using it!
Tiberius: What in Hera's name do you mean, Mother?
Livia: Just this: fear is a motivator that can be conquered. Rage is never conquered, and the more subjects we murder the more rage we inspire, the more we'll have to kill again and the more rage we'll again provoke.
Caesar: I'm sorry I brought this up. Let's go back to taxes. We'll at least have to impose a tax on all Judea, we can't simply tax the middle class without taxing the wealthy.
Livia: Why not?
Caesar: What sort of idiot robs the coiffeurs of the people who work and preserves the indolent rich? We have enough of those in Rome.
Livia: So you would tax the wealthy class who's loyal to you and turn a class of layabouts with nothing to do into revolutionaries?
Caesar: Oh by Jove, Livia they're Judeans, even the wastrels are more sensible than that.
Livia: When has a subject been sensible in this entire Empire? All this time and wasted effort in Judea and you're still determined to make Judea your light unto the empire!
Caesar: That's not true Domina.
Livia: Why do you love the Jews so?
Caesar: Divine Julius loved the Jews and they bankrolled his ascendance.
Livia: We already have their money! They wouldn't dare not cross us now. Jacobus you wouldn't dare cross us, would you?
Jacobus: Never, Domina.
Coponius: HE'S LYING!
(everybody freezes and stays quiet)
Caesar: Go on?...
(awkward pause)
Coponius: Forgive me Domina, I didn't mean to interrupt you.
Caesar: Very well. No Jacobus, you're not lying, and yet if a new coming man arose, not from the Julio-Claudians, would you be so resolute?
Jacobus: Surely there's no coming man other than in this room (gestures to Tiberius and Postumus).
Caesar: You see? He knows exactly what to say in all situations!
Livia: And you're telling us all Jews are that skilled?
Caesar: We won't know unless we have records of them.
Livia: Then why aren't getting a census only of the Jews and WHY OF THE ENTIRE EMPIRE?
(text cuts off here)
----------------------------
Tale X: Counterauthority--rough draft
To High Priest Yoazar,
I'm afraid I can't reveal my identity to you, but rest assured, you know me.
What you need to do is firstly assure the people of Israel that this is not a prelude to slavery, no matter what taxes signified in previous civilizations, Rome is Rome. These other civilizations practically took over neighborhoods and blocks compared to Rome's empire spanning the world. Rome is a step up in the progress of the world, and when Rome taxes, the taxes are put to Judea's public use, not to private enrichment.
Secondly, the idea that high taxes would be a prelude to the nationalization (internationalization) of all Jewish industries and property is absurd. That will never happen, and once again, just because it happened this way in other occupations does not mean that Rome is the same.
Rome is the exception to history. Other empires fold by their lack of competence, their lack of organization, their lack of dynamism and adaptability. Rome's rise continues because it has solved the question of how to maintain civilization, and can maintain it ad infinitum should it so choose.
It's true, it is rather concerning that Hillel's school has acceded to the bellicosity of Shammai's, but when the real violence begins (imminently I'm sure), Hillel will regain their tactful composure. However, the continued mistreatment of all the mokhes and gabbais in Rome's employ is a shandous outrage. They are now beaten in the street, or at least spat on, and whenever they report their ill-treatment, Rabbis and Elders dismiss their claims prima facie because the Sanhedrin ruled that the credibility of known Jewish employees in Rome's public sector is so damaged that they cannot testify in court.
This is a development so beyond unacceptable to Rome that Rome demands action for it and orders you to threaten any such vigilante with excommunication. We and Rome are well aware that the issue of excommunication falls under purview of the Sanhedrin and tribal councils, but Rome is adamant that you claim counterauthority from them and attempt to seize power from the Sanhedrin by claiming their irredeemable corruption. Such a claim is always helped by the fact that the Sanhedrin is just as corrupt as the priesthood, and the more you repeat your accusations, the less their accusations against your administration hold moral credibility to the average Judean.
This is what Rome bids you do at the moment, and if you have any further questions, they will be conveyed though the couriers of the Roman governate and any written questions or requests will be sent to me, who bears far more detailed instructions from the Emperor's family.
For the Senate and People of Rome,
Rome's Man in Jerusalem
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