September 11: 1967
Professor S: I bid you a formal and friendly welcome to Humanities A. The Columbia class in which a fortunate professor introduces you to the glories of Western Literature. My name is Professor Said, that is Sah-yeed, and I will be your guide. Many of you, I'm sure, need no further acquaintance to know how glorious it is but
(It used to be many of you)
Steven Goldenberg: Professor Suheed, I'm really sorry to interrupt but my girlfriend and I, we have to miss class on Thursday October 5th for Rosh Hashana. Is that OK?
Professor S: Of course! Why would you even need to ask such a thing?
Steve: Professor Bell doesn't allow it.
(Mr. Potato Head doesn't allow them to miss class. I suppose he won't allow babies to attend their own bris either)
Robert Silverstein: My friend in the other class will have to miss Friday the 6th too.
Professor S: Why would I object? Obligations are obligations.
(remember to fail them on a paper)
Bob: Thank you, Professor.
Professor S: You're welcome. Now I must warn you: there will be no quarter given for the syllabus we have. You see the intimidating reading list here: it is meant to be intimidating. You are students of Columbia University and were selected for your ability to become people of erudition. Any professor worth his cultivation can tell if you do the reading and tell if your writing is from any source other than yourself. If you think this is intimidating you should see the reading lists from thirty years ago.
Nancy Bronstein: Professor, can we ever get extensions?
Professor S: I will of course allow extensions for family and religious obligations, anyone who wouldn't is impractical, but no extensions given for any other reason. You are here to learn and you are here to read.
(She won't do the reading anyway)
You will have a new text for every class and will have a paper to write for each of them. We will introduce you to the entirety of literary civilisation from Homer to Goethe: 3000 years ago until the turn of the 19th century. You will also be expected to read relevant passages of literary criticism and critical texts of economics and sociology to contemplate the conditions under which the books are written and under which you read them.
William Cavett: Excuse me Professor Sayood, but why do we need to contemplate the conditions under which the book was written?
(There's the problem kid)
Professor S: Because it affects how we read the book.
Bill: Why would it affect how we read the book?
Professor S: Because the book is not just a book, it's a text that was formed by history.
Bill: Why would we read a text formed by history? Why don't we just read history instead?
Professor S: Because this is a great way of understanding history.
Bill: I thought we were here to appreciate literature.
Professor S: Indeed, we are.
Bill: Then why are we learning about history?
Professor S: Because the two are not mutually exclusive. History makes the text, the text makes history.
Bill: I thought we were here to read great books because they're good, not because they make history.
Professor S: And that is an ongoing discussion we will have for the duration of the class.
(no it isn't you goyisher shit)
Bill: It just sounds like we're being force-fed a political agenda.
Professor S: I assure you, I did not make this curriculum, it is pre-determined by Professors Trilling and Barzun.
Bill: Even the sociology texts?
Professor S: This is not a political agenda. It's my specialty.
Bill: Is there any reason you made this your specialty?
(And Mariam wonders why I tape record everything at Columbia...)
Professor S: If you're going to be taught by people, you should let them teach you about the things they know.
Bill: Then why do you have to teach an assigned curriculum?
Rachel Ginsberg: Just let the man talk!
(the man...)
The point of this class is a beginning, not an end. You are to
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