Tales from the Old New Land - Tale 3 - Parts 1 and 2

Tales from the Old New Land - Tale 3 - Parts 1 and 2

Dear Yaakov,

I really wish you would answer my letters more often than once every eighteen years. Your brother just wants to know that you’re doing OK and that your family is too. It would really be a help to not let me worry like this. I have to say, sometimes I still think that you think I secretly hate you but I keep telling you the same thing: we were young, we didn’t know what we were doing, and the real problem was Eema and Abba who were constantly playing us off each other like Hashem with Zaydie's head. I wish I thought you believed me and I know we thought we were going to kill each other for years even before the feud but like I keep saying, it was lonely all those years without you and it was so great to have you back in Canaan, I just wish we saw each other more often. Sorry to be so dramatic but that's how I feel.

Anyhow, getting House of Esav off the ground is no Lag B’Omer picnic. No wonder Zaydie was so crazy…. But just so you know I’ve got a big piece of news. Eliphaz has a son now: Korah, named after our kid you never had a chance to meet. He is incredibly cute and of course was born with a full head of red hair… I expect it will only be three years before we include him on our season ticket plan for the Petra Selahs. I’ve said this to you before but you would love stoneball, the game has so many statistics and records, so much history, and the commissioner just issued an edict that Israelites can own teams - I don’t suppose you’d be interested in a sports investment…….Would you?.... Seriously....

Eliphaz thinks our hunting business can vastly expand if we move into bounty hunting so once my grandson is thirty or forty I’m going to pay for Eliphaz to go to school to become a bounty hunter. I think it’s a waste of money but as I’m sure you remember he was always so eager to do what I told him, so this gives him something of his own to be passionate about.

The kids all say hi. Reuel is getting pretty loopy with his new religion and keeps talking about going to Midian to study how to be a priest for Baal. If Dad could see what’s happening to Reuel he’d go blind... Yeush is a big help with everything, always happy to do whatever we need; cleaning stables, watching sheep, gutting the animals we bring back, he’s just a very nice kid.

Anyway, aside from the news that I’m now a Zaydie I‘ve got no reason more urgent than that to write this letter, I just thought you might be interested to know what your nephews were up to and want to check on you and make sure you’re doing OK.

Love,

Esav

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Dear Yaakov,

It's been a good three years since we got a letter from you. I realize that when we all live to a hundred fifty that's like six months, but it really hurts me that you're not responding to anything I write. I'm sure you've got your hands full with twelve sons (seriously, that sounds like sheol), but it really wouldn't kill you to occasionally just let me know how you're doing because when I don't hear from you I figure things must be really hard.

But life here in Seir is so much nicer than in Canaan. I swear on both Yahweh and Qos that if you saw this area you'd drop everything to move out here - there are wadis everywhere and it rains three times a year! They have these growths called "trees", they're like our bushes but much thicker and harder to break - not that they're any match for your brother but I guarantee you've never seen anything like them in Canaan. Maybe you saw them when you were living in Mesopotamia but these are obviously much closer, you really ought to come see them. Eliphaz and I were even allowed to cut some them down, so we brought the wood to Petra and built a permanent summer home! It's a really wonderful place, we have outdoor plumbing and we can make weekend trips to Aqaba and Eilat to go to the beach. In Eilat they let women on the beach go topless, there are all day lifeguards for swimming, and you can even rent a boat to go out fishing (and oh my qoz the quality of the hookah in that place...).

Unfortunately some Nabateans tried to burn the summer home down once or twice but I've hired a live-in security guard named Tzachi who's really reliable. He keeps guard over it when I'm not there and during the rainy month he puts a tarp over it. He's a little eccentric though and keeps bleating like a sheep. I think he must have Tourettes.

Honestly Yaakov, you could come live with us in Seir and still hire a couple sons to watch over your properties in Canaan. I'm sure Reuven and Shimon must be old enough that you can leave them in charge of that part of the business. At our age we both deserve a break from business and you should leave it to your kids while you still have the chance for a long retirement.

Anyway, please just think about it.

Love,

Esav

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