Old New Land Podcast Play 1 - Scene 1 - First Half - Final Draft

Rebbe Yaakov Charlap: (opening until explosion should be as dull as possible)

(in Talmudic leyning chant, first half in Aramaic, then in Yiddish, then the whole thing in English)


מיתיבי כל עשרים וארבעה חדש דש מבפנים וזורה מבחוץ דברי ר' אליעזר א"ל הללו אינו אלא כמעשה ער ואונן כמעשה ער ואונן ולא כמעשה ער ואונן כמעשה ער ואונן דכתיב והיה אם בא


vi der nuhg fun er aun aunn, aun dakh nisht [dvka] vi der firung fun er aun aunn: 'khdrkh er aun aunn', varim es shteyt geshribn in khsubim, aun es iz geven, ven er iz areyn. tsu zayn bruders vayb, az er hot es aoysgegosn aoyf der erd; "du zalst nisht lakhn bite." aun 'la [bdiuk] khdrkh er aun aunn', veyl dart iz es geven an aumnatirlekher meshh, da vert es getun aoyf dem tbei.

(then in English) An objection was raised: During all the twenty-four months {after a birth, when a mother is nursing} one may thresh within and winnow withou; these are the words of R. Eliezer. The others said to him: Such actions are only like the practice of Er and Onan! -Like the practice of Er and Onan, and yet not [exactly] like the practice of Er and Onan: ‘Like the practice of Er and Onan’, for it is written in Scripture, And it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilt it on the ground; (kids start laughing) "Don't laugh please." and ‘not [exactly] like the practice of Er and Onan’, for whereas there it was an unnatural act, here it is done in the natural way.

And so for today's dawf yoymi we get to Parashas Vayeshev... You must know the story by now it's the story of Onan, Tamar, Yehudah, and Er. Tamar, the beautiful bride, that a series of husbands won't make her pregnant so she can keep her nice figure, so Onan and Er always spilled their seed on the ground during schtupzeit. (one kid laughs) Don't laugh (slightly annoyed). So God punished Onan and Er by killing them. And make no mistake Gimpeleh, when you spill your seed anywhere but your wives, that's evil and Hashem might decide to punish you for it. (more kids laugh)

Please don't laugh, this is important! The Torah teaches a valuable lesson here.... like it always does.... (kids calm down)

You don't have very long till your married, you all know what spilling your seed is, you just need not to do it until you're married and can make geschlect in your wives.

(a bunch of kids laugh)

NIBZEH L'AZAZEL KHALERIYA! LIGN IN DRERD UND BAKN BEYGL! HINDERT HAYSN ZOL ZU HABEN, IN YEDER HEYS A HUNDERD TSIMERN, IN YEDER TSIMER TZVANZIK BETN UN KADOKHES ZOL IM VARFN FIN EYN BET IN DER TSVEYTER! Farshtunkener Jewish hillbillies!....

Worthless numbskulls! No better than wild animals are any of you!... Is Dreyfus going through all this so you mamzerim can dishonor his sacrifice?!

Kid says distant from microphone: Rebbe Yaakov, Bontsheleh's finger looks crooked... 

Zay shtil you naarisher pischer!... Put your hands on the table! Alright! Everybody put your hands on the table!

(Hits kids hands with switch between most sentences)

Laughing at the Torah! Laughing at women! Generation to generation of light-mindedness and ingratitude to your mothers! While you're busy not learning Torah they're making sure you don't starve and freeze! One day all of your wives'll be sick of your disrespect to women and rebel against you. And then where'll the world be?....

Feh! You're all just meat with eyes!... 

How did I, how did my family, end up teaching generations of zhlubs like you?! We all needed you like a hole in the head! Fifty years teaching this stinking Kheyder, just like my Tateh un Zaydie un Elter Zaydie before me. It was the death of all of them. I'm the only one who lived past fifty and now I'm stuck with you khamers!... 

Teaching all your Tatehs and Zaydies who had cowsheads just like you! Waiting for Rebbe Schkop to retire so I might get a few years as town Rabbi and a decent pension pay for my thirteen kinder instead of the bupkes your parents give me, and then he lived to hundred and would issue rulings from his bed! ...Ach... 

Alright. May Rebbe Schkop's memory be a blessing... But then your parents, more naarishkeit! They get a new Rabbi! God forbid a Kharlap be a Rabbi for them for a few years before he plotzes into the ground too! Another generation of Kharlap rebbes passed over for a pischer straight from the Yeshiva barely older than you who doesn't know life from the lamed vav. Schmeggeges, all of you!

(pause full five seconds and catches his breath)

Alright, I'm sorry kinder, I didn't mean all that. You know I have love for you all, you kinder are my life, and I just need you to learn so you can be a light to the goyim.