Sunday, March 27, 2022

Tales from the Old New Land - Podcast Play Version - Opening Monologue - Draft 1

 Rebbe Yaakov Charlap: (opening until explosion should be as dull as possible) 

And so today we get to Parashas Vayeshev... It's the story of Onan, Tamar, Yehudah, and Er. Tamar, the beautiful bride, that a series of husbands refuse to blemish by making her pregnant, so Onan and Er always spilled their seed on the ground during schtupzeit. (kid laughs) Don't laugh. So God punished Onan and Er by killing them. And make no mistake, when you spill your seed anywhere but your wives, that's evil and Hashem might decide to punish you for it. (more kids laugh)

Please don't laugh, this is important! The Torah teaches a valuable lesson here.... like it always does.... (kids calm down) 

You don't have very long till your married, you all know what spilling your seed is, you need to not do it until you're married and can make geschlect in your wives.

(a bunch of kids laugh) 

NIBZEH L'AZAZEL KHALERIYA! You numbskulls are no better than wild animals!...  Is Dreyfus going through all this so you mamzerim can dishonor his sacrifice?!

Kid says distant from microphone: But Rebbe Kharlap...

Zay shtil you naarisher schmucks!...

Alright. Put your hands on the table! Everybody put your hands on the table! 

(Hits kids hands with switch between most sentences)

Laughing at the Torah! Laughing at women! Generation to generation of light-mindedness and ingratitude to your mothers! While you're busy not learning Torah they're making sure you don't starve or freeze to death! One day all of your wives'll be sick of your disrespect to women and rebel against you, and then where'll the world be?

 You farshtunkener Jewish hillbillies! How did I, how did my family, end up teaching generations of schlubs like you?! Fifty years teaching this stupid Kheder, just like my Tateh and Zaydie and Elter Zaydie before me, stuck teaching all your Tatehs and Zaydies who were just as dumb as you, waiting for Rebbe Schkop to retire so I might get a few years as town Rabbi and a decent pension pay for my thirteen kinder, and then he lived to hundred and would issue rulings from his bed! ...May his memory be a blessing... And then your parents... They get a new Rabbi, God forbid a Kharlap be a Rabbi for them. Another generation of Kharlap rebbes passed over for a bright and shiny rabbi straight from the Yeshiva who doesn't know life from the lamed vav. Worthless people! All of you!

Kharlap used to mean something around here. Kharlap! Khet Resh Lamed Pay! Khiya-Rosh-L'Galut-b'Polin, Khiya-Head of the Exiles in Poland! How did the descendents of Khiya end up teaching a bunch of numbskulls like you in this town Hashem forgot about? 

This is why I raised my kinder to be mensches! All thirteen of them! None of you naarisher pischers come up to their ankles! Twenty-five years I lived with my wife, and while your parents all had worthless kids, every Friday night we do things, and nothing. She was the most beautiful girl in the shtetl, now she's a little meeskait from her worries but she's still the most beautiful woman in Bransk. Why? Because she's an eshes chayil, a woman of valor!

Eighteen years ago an angel came to me in a dream! I demanded a blessing from him and he told me I would have twelve sons, and I had to name them after the twelve tribes of Israel! And sure enough, five sets of twins and a triplet over five years! And ALL of them survive to their Bar Mitzvahs! And now, sixty years old, she's pregnant again! Who'd ever heard of it! She was blessed by god! I was blessed by god while the rest of your are cursed. My kinder are going to be the blessed of the earth while you're all cold in the ground from some war or political edict! 

I know this kind will be a boy, and he's already worth more than you all put together! Every one of mein sohns are worth more than all of you put together! They're the light of Judaism! They're the light of the world! You dont' follow their examples but they're the examples you all should be looking towards! 

(hard cut to scene 2) 

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