TCP: Bava ben Buta - a little more

 (Hillel and Shammai knock on the door of a horse stable. Inside they hear overwhelming screaming and cheers.) 

Shammai: Rav Baba? Rebbe Babba?! He doesn't hear us. 

(Shammai opens the stable door. Inside is Rav Babba, looking at a video images of the Nuremberg Rally from Leni Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will. After three seconds, the images stop.)

Rav Baba: Komm mein kint! Shammai, you've done well. 

Shammai: Not well enough it seems. 

Rav Baba: It is Hashem's will you should fail, just as it was that I fail too. 

Shammai: When did you ever fail?

Rav Baba: To pacify Herod, and even that was a success. 

Shammai: You failed to succeed?

Baba: I succeeded to fail. 

Hillel: He succeeded to fail......

Baba: It was Hashem's will that I fail, and now I see what Hashem wanted. 

 Hillel: Now he sees what Hashem wanted....

Shammai: What does Hashem want?

Baba: He wants the Land of Israel to fall. 

(silence)

Baba: I came to Herod shortly before the Sanhedrin were massacred. The guards nearly killed me for approaching him. I told him it was not too late to repent his misdeeds, but he must do something for the Lord which only he could do. 

Hillel: OK, I'll bite. What could only Herod do?

Baba: Only Herod had the funds to build the temple to the glory I thought Hashem wanted.

Shammai: You THOUGHT Hashem wanted?

Baba: I thought glory was what Hashem wanted, but almost all glory is false glory. 

Hillel: You're the reason Herod built our temple?

Baba: God is the reason Herod built the temple. I was just the mouthpiece through which God inspired Herod to build the temple. 

Hillel: So if I'm to understand correctly: you were the mouthpiece through which God told Herod to build the temple He doesn't want?

Baba: God wanted Herod's temple, but God wanted Herod's temple so that He may destroy it. 

Shammai: God builds things so that He can destroy them?

Baba: There is a tree of life and a tree of death. God creates so that He can destroy and destroys so that He might create again.

Shammai: Master, surely our God is not so fickle. 

Baba: God's constancy is often fickle to our eyes. 

Shammai: Mein Rebbe, I have missed your wisdom every day for thirty-six years, but even I cannot believe you that God would be so indifferent to our essence. 

Baba: You were not brought here for easy emes. He that sits in the heavens laughs at us in derision. 

Shammai: Master!... Why?...

Baba: There is a world past this one, and we will know more when we arrive there. Perhaps many worlds. 

Shammai: Rebbe, this is heresy!

Baba: Treat what you don't understand with a little khesed Shammai. 

Shammai: The khesed you claim our god lacks?

Baba: He lacks nothing, neither khesed nor malice. 

Shammai: What has become of you?

Baba: Sha, sha kint.

Shammai: You have succumbed to the Other. 

Baba: I did not succumb to it, Hashem has. 

Shammai: Hillel we must leave this evil place. 

Hillel: I actually want to hear more. 

Shammai: My master has become evil. 

Hillel: I thought your master was a schmendrik, but your master may understand things we don't. 

Baba: I understand nothing Hashem did not wish for me to understand. 

Hillel: Rav Baba, please understand, Herod is very much alive and still more evil than you remember. He had a stroke after getting sepsis in his right arm. Since then he's had terrible brain damage and paranoia: he ordered one son executed and thrown his other two in jail. He's obsessed with a prophecy about a usurper about to be born in a house of bread, so he may be about to issue an order killing babies and young children around the country. Even if we wanted to stop him, he still has a bodyguard of 2,000.

Baba: The House of Bread is here. 

TCP: Rav Baba ben Buta - Scene 2 Beginning

(Hillel and Shammai knock on the door of a horse stable. Inside they hear overwhelming screaming and cheers.) 

Shammai: Rav Baba? Rebbe Babba?! He doesn't hear us. 

(Shammai opens the stable door. Inside is Rav Babba, looking at a video images of the Nuremberg Rally from Leni Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will. After three seconds, the images stop.)

Rav Baba: Komm mein kint! Shammai, you've done well. 

Shammai: Not well enough it seems. 

Rav Baba: It is Hashem's will. 

  had his right arm amputated. He's killed one son and thrown the other two in jail; he's about to literally issue an order  killing babies around the country and he still has a bodyguard of 2,000 so no one can stop him.

TCP: Rav Bava ben Buta - Scene 1

 Hillel: Are you sure this is the way?

Shammai: This is the only way. 

Hillel: Not what I meant. 

Shammai: This is the way we get to his cave. 

Hillel: I don't understand why we couldn't have taken a bedouin with us who knows the caves.

Shammai: And compromise our identity?

Hillel: What identity? We're in disguise! 

Shammai: We can't take the chance. 

Hillel: Nobody knows we're missing yet. If we don't get back by sunup tomorrow everyone will assume we've fled and they'll kill us.  

Shammai: They might kill us if we stay. 

Hillel: They'll kill us if we go, they'll kill us if we stay, why don't I go and you stay and we'll see who's alive by next week. 

Shammai: You want to go? Go. But it's your beloved people we're trying to save. 

Hillel: Wait, what are you trying to save?

Shammai: The sanctity of Hashem of course. 

Hillel: So you admit that Hashem means nothing without people to worship Him. 

Shammai: If I had known a brief walk in the desert is the only thing that would make Rabban Hillel grouchy I'd have taken him on a walk eighteen years ago. 

Hillel: I'm grouchy because we're about to get killed and you're taking me on a walk to a cave to visit a Rabbi we don't even know is alive. 

Shammai: He's alive.

Hillel: You'll have to excuse me for doubting you when you just told me for the first time that he survived the Sanhedrin massacre. 

Shammai: He's here. 

Hillel: How do you know?

Shammai: Because he said he would be. 

Hillel: What did he say? When did he say it?

Shammai: He told me in a dream. 

Hillel: Doesn't your school reject dreams as an otherworldly temptation?

Shammai: We reject dreams unless we can prove to an authority that they come from God. 

Hillel: And your proof is?..

Shammai: My proof is when we find who we're looking for. 

Hillel: That's a dumb rationalization even for the School of Shammai. 

Shammai:  There is no school of Shammai, there's a school of Bava ben Buta. I'm just the Rabbi who spreads his word. 

Hillel: 'Spreads his word?' What on earth? You sound like a goy! 

Shammai: Once you meet him you'll understand. 

Hillel: What's there to understand?  Herod had a stroke and went meshuggeh. It doesn't get more simple than that.

Shammai: Nothing is simple in the eyes of Rav Bava. 

Hillel: Just what we need right now, something complicated. 

Shammai: That's why we need Rav Bava. He'll know. 

Hillel: What will he know?

Shammai: I don't know, but I know he'll know. 

(enter bedouin from behind a rock)

Bedouin: You seek the one who knows?

Hillel: GAH! 

Shammai: We seek nothing. 

Hillel: Genug Shammai. (to bedouin) We seek the one who knows!

Bedouin: He who knows is here. Very close by. Listen closely and you can hear what he sees. 

(they listen to the wind, and they hear the very faint screaming of gibberish) 

Shammai: We do not seek whomever you think we do. 

Hillel: Shtum Shammai. 

Bedouin: You seek of whom I speak. 

Shammai: We do not. Zei gezunt and be gone. 

(the Bedouin disappears)

Hillel: Farkakte's sake, he disappeared. You don't fuck with a dybbuk like that. 

Shammai: LANGUAGE!

Hillel: Whatever, we'll be dead tomorrow. How many geists will you shoo off just because you don't want anybody to know where we're going.  

Shammai: We don't seek who he's taking about because Reb Bava is blind. 

Bedouin: (still invisible) Yet he who knows can see. 

Shammai: A blind man doesn't see. 

Hillel: We're here because your dream said to go to the House of Bread, and that's what you saw in your dream. How many nesses do we have to see before you get it into your keppe that this invisible bokher is why we're here. 

Shammai: Zein nito! Be gone! 

Hillel: Fuck him don't listen! Show where you want us to go! 

(A star appears to shoot and slowly falls to earth, it illuminates a dilapidated stable)

Hillel: Well it can't hurt us to see what's there. 

 

TCP: Bava ben Buta - Beginning

 Hillel: Are you sure this is the way?

Shammai: This is the only way. 

Hillel: Not what I meant. 

Shammai: This is the way we get to his cave. 

Hillel: I don't understand why we couldn't have taken a bedouin with us who knows the caves.

Shammai: And compromise our identity?

Hillel: What identity? We're in disguise! 

Shammai: We can't take the chance. 

Hillel: Nobody knows we're missing yet. If we don't get back by sunup tomorrow everyone will assume we've fled and they'll kill us.  

Shammai: They might kill us if we stay. 

Hillel: They'll kill us if we go, they'll kill us if we stay, why don't I go and you stay and we'll see who's alive by next week. 

Shammai: You want to go? Go. But it's your beloved people we're trying to save. 

Hillel: Wait, what are you trying to save?

Shammai: The sanctity of Hashem of course. 

Hillel: So you admit that Hashem means nothing without people to worship Him. 

Shammai: If I had known a brief walk in the desert is the only thing that would make Rabban Hillel grouchy I'd have taken him on a walk eighteen years ago. 

Hillel: I'm grouchy because we're about to get killed and you're taking me on a walk to a cave to visit a Rabbi we don't even know is alive. 

Shammai: He's alive.

Hillel: You'll have to excuse me for doubting you when you just told me for the first time that he survived the massacre of the Sanhedrin. 

Shammai: He's here. 

Hillel: How do you know?

Shammai: Because he said he would be. 

Hillel: What did he say? When did he say it?

Shammai: He told me in a dream. 

Hillel: Doesn't your school reject dreams as an otherworldly temptation?

Shammai: We reject dreams unless we can prove to an authority that they come from God. 

Hillel: And your proof is?..

Shammai: My proof is when we find who we're looking for. 

Hillel: That's a dumb rationalization even for the School of Shammai. 

Shammai:  There is no school of Shammai, there's a school of Bava ben Buta. I'm just the Rabbi who spreads his word. 

Hillel: 'Spreads his word?' What on earth? You sound like a goy! 

Shammai: Once you meet him you'll understand. 

Hillel: What's there to understand?  Herod had a stroke and went meshuggeh. It doesn't get more simple than that. 

Shammai: That's why we need Rav Bava. He'll know. 

Hillel: What will he know?

Shammai: I don't know, but I know he'll know. 

 had his right arm amputated. He's killed one son and thrown the other two in jail; he's about to literally issue an order  killing babies around the country and he still has a bodyguard of 2,000 so no one can stop him.

TCP: An Ancient Scholarly Note

"Sources around the world have been destroyed, but those who have read manuscripts report that at the re-consecration of Jerusalem's second temple upon the completion of King Herod's renovations, the king was said to masturbate into the Holy of Holies in front of his subjects and guests, to their general uproar. When faced with an insurrection from his subjects, he simply them blocked from the Temple Mount so they might watch as he had every Torah in the temple burned from the roof."

- Eusebius Polymocrates

(Editor's note: This is one of the very few remaining textfragments we have from Eusebius Polymocrates. 

Dr. Raginmund Westenbach, Free University, Berlin 1952)

TCP: Transcript of Herod at Caesaria

 "We've got a half-mile of real estate. What do you say? Should I make Caesaria my capital? Why shouldn't such a beautiful city be the capital? It's got a beautiful seaview, you can never get that in Jerusalem. My friend Augustus used to say to me "you should try to make the capital somewhere other than Jerusalem. Those Jerusalemite elites never loved me and they never loved you. You should try to make the captial Sebastia, it's right on the top of the mountains, it's a perfect fort!" But I can't move the capital away from Jerusalem. Do you have any idea what kind of machareikeh those Jerusalemites would start if I ever tried to do that? But still, we can dream of a new capital and one day, maybe when they're not looking...

And let's give you a load of our beautiful new High Priest Simon ben-Boethus. He's one of a kind, folks!  This guy is going to administer the new loyalty oath like he just came up with it himself! I've never heard anyone administer a loyalty oath like this guy. He said to me "Herod!" and that's what my friends call me, I never go in with this 'Your Majesty" drek, you all can call me Herod too, you know what's what, not like those rich Jerusalem elites and their crooked Rabbis, and I know, you're supposed to say honorable things about the Rabbis but between you and me, folks, those Rabbis are bad people, very bad people, they really are, and just want the power to tell you what you should do, but we're not gonna let them tell us, are we?

(cheer)

TCP: Shimon of Jamnia - Rough Draft

Shammai: You commanded me to audience majesty?

Herod: Yes, have a seat. 

Shammai: I presume this is about o... .... Majesty, may I inquire what's happening to your arm?

Herod: Nothing that's your concern. 

Shammai: Majesty, please forgive me for pointing it out, but your right forearm is twice the size of your left. 

Herod: Of course it's about the oaths. Six thousand of your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. Are your bochers really that stupid?

Shammai: I can't be responsible for those who don't take your oaths.

Herod: Of course you're responsible! Every one of your beheymes refuses it. 

Shammai: Am I the Pharisees' keeper?

Herod: You're THESE Pharisees' keeper. It's not like they respect Hillel. 

Shammai: They don't know him as we do. 

Herod: You know what I mean. They don't follow Sanhedrin rulings. 

Shammai: So?

Herod: Everything they follow is written by a nudnik named Rav Shimon of Jamnia. 

Shammai: Is your majesty implying something?

Herod: Do you think I'm stupid? 

Shammai: Anything but, majesty. 

Herod: You think Hillel is stupid?

Shammai: Is what I think of Rabban Hillel what we're discussing?

Herod: If you're gonna publish your own rulings that contradict the court you can at least do it under a name that doesn't sound exactly like Rav Shammai of Yavneh. 

Shammai: Well if Majesty is so curious, he should know that yes, I have sometimes written under the name Shimon of Jamnia, but never since I was summoned to become the Sanhedrin's court father. 

Herod: Well, Shimon of Jamnia is surely aware that I could have you charged with perjury. Tribe of Reuben vs. Hezekiah, Yahya vs. Binyamin , Yitzhak vs. Yitzhak, these are cases the Sanhedrin heard after your arrival. 

Shammai: I have not perjured myself. There is no Shimon of Jamnia. It's a common name many rabbis have used. 

Herod: Oh you're good. You're as good as Hillel. 

Shammai: I suppose I should take that as a compliment?

Herod: The highest. You have a code with your followers. There is no place called Jamniah, it's probably just a way of saying Yavneh in some slave language. 

Shammai: No language I'm familiar with, Majesty. 

Herod: For decades, the Sanhedrin ruled on the laws and the sane part of this country followed its rule, but for twenty-five years there's been this northern fanatiker named Shimon of Jamnia who issued legal ruling after rabbinical writing that declares the exact opposite of the Sanhedrin on every rule, but now, instead of writing on regional cases in the northern tribes, Shimon of Jamnia's now issuing entirely separate rulings about Sanhedrin court cases. Are you going to plead ignorance of this?

Shammai: These writings have crossed my desk. 

Herod: These opinions began right after you came to the high court! 

Shammai: Your majesty, I have not once written under the name of Shimon of Jamnia since I came to the Sanhedrin. 

Herod: Of course you haven't, you just have any one of your twenty chassids on the court write it for you. For all I know they're just taking dictation, and these are rulings on everything from prohibiting conversions to the direction of Hanukkah candles... for fucking Yahweh's sake, what Haredi meshuggener needs a separate ruling over which way to light the candles? 

Shammai: Your majesty, I cannot presume to control the religious practices of hereti... Your majesty there is liquid issuing from your arm. 

Herod: There's always liquid on my arm. Don't change the subject. You have your Labans publish rulings for you, and those are the rulings your northern schnorrers observe. 

Shammai: Surely you're not suggesting that there's more than one court in the land. 

Herod: This country has two courthouses: the House of Hillel and the House of Shammai. The House of Hillel for the sane people who just want to live their lives, and the House of Shammai for idiots who throw their lives away on Hashem. 

Shammai: Your majesty forgive me but you promised independence for the courts and it's not for you to judge how your subjects choose to worshi

Herod: I promised the independence of one court, not two. 

Shammai: There is only one court. 

Herod: Of course there is, you secretly don't recognize the Sanhedrin. You only recognize the court of Shimon of Jamnia, who apparently isn't you. 

Shammai: If that's true, why did Rabban Hillel appoint me as his court father?

Herod: Because Hillel knows that he has to appease all your northern mamzers by letting you do all those tzudreyt things you do in the n... ... ... ...

Shammai: Majesty?... ...

Shammai: ... ... Majesty?

Herod: ...North! Forcing widows to marry their brother-in-laws, not letting widows have a dowry on remarriage, having separate plates for each food, saving all your meat for Shabbes even if the meat spoils, having to go all the way to Jerusalem to eat certain fruit, forcing people in the North to freeze to death every night in the Sukkah: what sort of mole people live like this?

Shammai: Majesty forgive me for pointing this out but before you listed your misinterpretations of our northern practices you just froze for a mo

Herod: I freeze now, it's something that happens. Don't change the subject. 

Shammai: Forgive me Majesty, I'm not sure I follow what the subject is anymore. 

Herod: The subject is that your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. 

Shammai: Umm, Forgive me, Majesty, I cannot be held responsible for the actions of people who would presume to follow what they think I want. 

Herod: What you want is obvious. 

Shammai: Then please enlighten me Majesty, what do I want? 

Herod: That your... your northerners won't take the oath. I'm... I'm trying to run a kingdom here that doesn't break into civil war. 

Shammai: I doubt you're in any danger of that. 

Herod: Civil war... is what you Israelites do, it's your fa... favorite shabbos activity. 

Shammai: Well if your majesty is worried about civil war surely a mere oath won't stop your subjects from pursuing...

Herod: It will remind them that if they cross me I wo... ... won't hesitate to kill them. 

Shammai: Surely the king is not so vengeful as to kill six thousand men just because they might feel a loyalty to Hashem. 

Herod: I should have known. After all these years I still can't believe that it's all about your farshtu... farshtunkiner god. You're all just naarish enough that I believe you. 

Shammai: Northerners are not naarish, but we do take our emuno seriously. 

Herod: Seriously or not, tell your Shimon of Jamnia that I need that oath. 

Shammai: I keep telling you, there is no Shimon of Jamni

Herod: Don't play.... dumb khaleryah, you know what I need. And remember, I've done worse than.... kill six thousand, but no. I'm not that vengeful, though I can make them wish they were dead. 

Shammai: Your majesty might consider that such behavior might be another reason why they refuse to take the oath. 

Herod: Oh I'm well aware of why they REALLY don't take the oath Rebbe, but since I'm... so hated, I have to ensure rule of law somehow. 

Shammai: You might consider giving the north a greater role. 

Herod: Rav Shammai of Yavneh! I never thought I'd see the day you actually played politics. 

Shammai: All I'm saying is that the north should have a greater say in the matters of state and law. 

Herod: Tayerer gott, I... I don't believe it. Yes. It's a shame the North doesn't have a bigger say. It's a shame after all this time that we never worked together. 

Shammai: We do work together! 

Herod: We work against each other. I need someone who works with me. 

Shammai: Don't you have Hillel?

Herod: Hillel's weak, you know it as well as I do, I need a Chief Rabbi of iron. 

Shammai: Your majesty. What kind of iron?

 

Herod: The iron Hillel will never be. 

Shammai: Majesty. Surely if you communicated your wishes to Hillel. 

Herod: I communicate them every day. They go into a tohu vavohu and I never see them again. Maybe it's time for him to join it. 

Shammai: Em... If your majesty means what I

Herod: I'm not going to commit any violence against the Northmen, but if they refuse to take the oath I will tax two-thirds of their holdings. If they take the oath, I will annihilate the threat from Hillel and push Shimon of Jamnia's rulings through the Sanhedrin, but I need to know, when I have my own laws to add, will you push through my ruli.....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

Shammai: Your Majesty? 

Your Majesty? 

YOUR MAJESTY?! 

KING HEROD?!?

(Shammai waits a moment, thinks about it, then slaps Herod as hard as he can. Walks to the door of the room, then thinks twice of it, comes back to Herod and slaps him again. Then he leaves the room. ) 

TCP: Shimon of Jamnia - 80%

 Shammai: You commanded me to audience majesty?

Herod: Yes, have a seat. 

Shammai: I presume this is about o... .... Majesty, may I inquire what's happening to your arm?

Herod: Just a small matter. 

Shammai: Majesty, please forgive me for pointing it out, but your right forearm is twice the size of your left. 

Herod: It's the least of my worries. Anyway of course it's about the oaths. Six thousand of your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. Are your followers really that stupid?

Shammai: I can't be responsible for those who don't take your oaths.

Herod: Of course you're responsible for it! Every one of your pharisee extremists refuses to take the oath. 

Shammai: Am I the Pharisees' keeper?

Herod: You're THESE Pharisees' keeper. It's not like these guys have much respect for Hillel. 

Shammai: They don't know him as we do. 

Herod: You know what I mean. They don't follow Hillel's rulings. 

Shammai: So?

Herod: Their legal documents are written by someone named Rav Shimon of Jamnia. 

Shammai: Is your majesty implying something?

Herod: Do you think I'm stupid? 

Shammai: Anything but, majesty. 

Herod: You think Rabban Hillel is stupid?

Shammai: Is what I think of Rabban Hillel the matter of discussion?

Herod: If you're going to publish your own rulings separate from the court you can at least do it under a name that doesn't sound like Rav Shammai of Yavneh. 

Shammai: Well if Majesty is so curious, he should know that yes, I have sometimes written under the name Shimon of Jamnia, but never since I was summoned to become the Sanhedrin's court father. 

Herod: Well, Shimon of Jamnia is surely aware that I could have you charged with perjury. Tribe of Reuben v. Hezekiah, Yahya v. Binyamin , Yitzhak v. Yitzhak, these are cases the Sanhedrin heard after your arrival. 

Shammai: I have not perjured myself. There is no Shimon of Jamnia. It's a common name many rabbis have used. 

Herod: Oh you're good... You're as good as Hillel. 

Shammai: I suppose I should take that as a compliment?

Herod: The highest. You have a code with your followers. There is no place called Jamniah, it's probably just a way of saying Yavneh in some slave tongue I'm not familiar with. For years, the Sanhedrin presided and the sane part of this country abided by majority rule, but there was this northern fanatic named Shimon of Jamnia who issued book of legal ruling after rabbinical writing, but now, instead of writing on regional matters in the northern tribes, Shimon of Jamnia's now issuing entirely separate rulings on Sanhedrin decisions. Are you going to plead ignorance of this?

Shammai: These writings have crossed my desk. 

Herod: These opinions began right after you came to the high court! 

Shammai: Your majesty, I have not once written under the name of Shimon of Jamnia since I came to the Sanhedrin. 

Herod: Of course you haven't, you just have any one from the twenty chassids in your pocket write your rulings for you. Rulings on everything from prohibiting immediate conversions to the direction of Hanukkah candles... what sort of Haredi meshuggener needs a separate ruling over which way to light the candles?

Shammai: Your majesty, I cannot presume to control the religious practices of hereti... Your majesty there is liquid issuing from your arm. 

Herod: There's always liquid issuing from my arm. Don't change the subject. You have your Labans publish rulings for you, and those are the rulings your northern na'ars observe. 

Shammai: Surely you're not suggesting that there's more than one court in the land. 

Herod: This country has two courthouses: the House of Hillel and the House of Shammai. The House of Hillel for the sane people who just want to live their lives, and the House of Shammai for idiots who throw their lives away on Hashem. 

Shammai: Your majesty forgive me but you promised independence for the courts and it's not for you to judge how your subjects choose to worshi...

Herod: I promised the independence of one court, not two. 

Shammai: There is only one court. 

Herod: Of course there is, you secretly don't recognize the Sanhedrin. You only recognize the court of Shimon of Jamnia as legitimate. 

Shammai: If that's true, why did Rabban Hillel appoint me as his court father?

Herod: Because Hillel knows that he has to appease your northern partisans by letting you do all those tzudreyt things you do in the n.... ... 

Shammai: Majesty?... ...

Shammai: ... ... Majesty?

Herod: ...All those tzudreyt things you do in the North! Forcing widows to marry their brother-in-laws, not letting widows have a dowry on remarriage, having separate plates for each food, saving all your meat for Shabbes even if the meat spoils, having to go all the way to Jerusalem to eat certain fruit, forcing people in the North to freeze to death every night in the Sukkah... what sort of mole people live like this?

Shammai: Majesty forgive me for pointing this out but before you listed your misinterpretations of our northern practices you just froze for a mo...

Herod: I freeze now, it's just something that happens. Don't change the subject. 

Shammai: Forgive me Majesty, I'm not sure I follow what the subject is anymore. 

Herod: The subject is that your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. 

Shammai: Er... I cannot be held responsible for the actions of people who would presume to follow what they think I want. 

Herod: What you want is not in question. 

Shammai: Then please enlighten me Majesty, what is? 

Herod: That your... your northerners won't take the oath. I'm... I'm trying to run a kingdom here that doesn't break apart into civil war. 

Shammai: I doubt you're in any danger of that. 

Herod: Civil war... is what you Israelites do, it's your fa... favorite shabbos activity. 

Shammai: Well if your majesty is worried about civil war surely a mere oath won't stop your subjects from pursuing...

Herod: It will remind them that if they cross me I... ... won't hesitate to kill them. 

Shammai: Surely the king is not so vengeful as to kill six thousand men just because they might feel a loyalty to Hashem. 

Herod: I should have known. After all these years I still can't believe that it's all about your farshtunkiner god... you're all just naarish enough that I believe you. 

Shammai: Northerners are not naarish, but we do take our emunoh seriously. 

Herod: Seriously or not, tell your Shimon of Jamnia that I need that oath. 

Shammai: I keep telling you, there is no Shimon of Jamni

Herod: Don't play.... dumb, you know what I need. And remember, I've done worse than.... kill six thousand, but no. I'm not that vengeful, though I can make them wish they were dead. 

Shammai: Your majesty might consider that such behavior might be another reason why they refuse to take the oath. 

Herod: Oh I'm well aware of why they REALLY don't take the oath Rebbe, but since I'm... so hated, I have to ensure rule of law somehow. 

Shammai: You might consider giving the north a greater role. 

Herod: ... ... Rav Shammai of Yavneh! I never thought I'd see the day you actually played politics. 

Shammai: All I'm saying is that the north should have a greater say in the matters of state and law. 

Herod: Tayerer gott, I... don't believe it... Indeed it is a shame the North doesn't have a bigger say. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Shammai:  and it's a shame after  we couldn't work together. 

Shammai: We do work together! 

Herod: We work against each other. I mean work together. 

Shammai: If your majesty means what I...

Herod: Rav Hillel is weak, you know it as well as I do, I need a rabbi of iron.

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TCP: Shimon of Jamnia - Beginning

Shammai: You commanded me to audience majesty?

Herod: Yes, have a seat. 

Shammai: I presume this is about oaths? 

Herod: Of course it is. Six thousand of your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. Are you really that stupid?

Shammai: I can't be responsible for those who don't take your oath.

Herod: Of course you're responsible for it! Pharisees who abide by the strictest legal interpretations refuse to take the oath. 

Shammai: Am I the Pharisees' keeper?

Herod: Well it's not like these guys have much respect for Rav Hillel. 

Shammai: They don't know him as we do. 

Herod: You know what I mean. They don't follow Rav Hillel's rulings. 

Shammai: So?

Herod: Their legal book was written by someone named Shimon of Jamnia. 

Shammai: Is your majesty implying something?

Herod: Do you think I'm stupid? 

Shammai: Anything but, majesty. 

Herod: You think Rav Hillel is stupid?

Shammai: Is what I think of Rav Hillel the matter of discussion?

Herod: If you're going to publish your own rulings separate from the court you can at least do it under a name that doesn't sound like Shammai of Yavneh. 

Shammai: Well if Majesty is so curious, he should know that yes, I have sometimes written under the name Shimon of Jamnia, but never since I was summoned to become the Sanhedrin's chief justice. 

Herod: Well, Shimon of Jamnia is surely aware that I could have you charged with perjury. Tribe of Reuben vs. Hezekiah, Yahya vs. Binyamin, these are cases the Sanhedrin heard after your arrival. 

Shammai: I have not perjured myself. Shimon of Jamnia is a name that many rabbis have used. 

Herod: Oh you're good. You're as good as Hillel. It's a shame we couldn't work together. 

Shammai: We do work together! 

Herod: We work against each other. I mean work together. 

Shammai: If your majesty means what I...

Herod: Rav Hillel is weak, you know it as well as I do, I need a rabbi of iron.

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Shammai: Surely the king is not so vengeful as to kill six thousand men just because their highest loyalty is to Hashem. 

Herod: I've done worse, but no. I'm not that vengeful, though I can make them wish they were dead. 

Shammai: Your majesty might consider that such behavior is why they refuse to take the oath. 

Herod: Oh I'm well aware of why they don't take the oath Rebbe, but since I'm so hated, I have to ensure rule of law somehow. 

Shammai: You might 

TCP: The Sybil at Masada - Rough Draft

Nu Shammai?

I trust in my absence you've upended every one of my rulings and the Kingdom of Judea is now the theocracy of your geshlechter wet dreams. More seriously, I trust you in my absence to be fair and broadminded tzaddik I know you are; but don't worry, if you do anything too egregious Gamliel will report back to me and we'll call back all the disputants, at which point they'll watch me dump a plate of falafel over your head. 

Don't get me wrong I wish I was back in Jerusalem making headway on our mountain of parchmentwork, but our dear leader really has something extraordinary here in the desert. He's literally built a castle out of a mountain's rock, it serves both as desert resort and a military fortress people can flee to under siege. 

That doesn't mean it's easy to get there. Ochen vey the trip up the mountain is excruciating and you have to start at first light or else you're too winded to climb the farshtunkiner thing. Climbing it takes forever, it's murder on the knees, and by the time you're at the top you're too tired and hot to appreciate the place. 

Anyway I was obviously there to dedicate the synagogue, but who could be waiting for us but an Essene priest named Yochanan (they're all named Yochanan...). I know the Essenes know how to live in the desert like we never will, but he was just standing on one of the benches, waiting for us to get there as though anybody could have seen him, but clearly the guards had no idea he was there, and who knows? He might have been hiding in the palace for weeks!

I know the Essenes really get to you Shammai, but if you got to know the Essenes, you might be stunned by how much you have in common with them. They might live communisitically, but they do it so they can better live Hashem's laws. These are people so devoted to living like a mensch that most of them never get married or have relations. They don't own slaves because they serve each other. They don't swear oaths so they won't break them. They don't even trade because they view business matters as unclean. They even hold in their drek on shabbos to keep the day pure. Isn't this the kavonah you've always wanted from our Yisraelim?  I'm sure you don't like that they don't sacrifice animals, but nu, what's there to eat in the desert? 

Obviously, Herod made pretty quick work of this guy, but not before he rendered a pretty impressive prophetic speech. Anyway, this wasn't just an Essene, this was a rhetorician. I can't relate you the tone of his speech, but it was as incantory as anything you've heard in the beis hamikdash. We think prophets no longer walk among us, but if half of what this guy forecasts is true...

Try not to think about that for now. What's more important is that dear leader wants us to interpret his sayings, so I'm just going to report to you the fragments I remember, and maybe you can help me interpret what that means for us. Among other things he said is that 'Rome is only conquerable from within', but also 'Israel shall conquer Rome.' He said 'the world has not and shall not change such as this for two thousand years', 'god will render god unto Rome,' but also 'through Rome shall gods conquer all.' 

Then there were his musings on our dear leader for which I'm sure said leader wants ample interpretation: 'Herod slays kings, yet a king is born shall slay Herod in a house of bread.' 'The king shall be as merciful as Herod vengeful, yet is Herod an angel next to this king's vassals.' 

 But most troubling is what he said about us, and this I remember quite clearly: 'After Herod shall the Lord cast Israel off unto the seventy-seventh generation. Herod's yoke shall be as a kiss. In Israel shall be found the mark of Cain, bless Israel and ye shall be blessed, curse Israel and ye shall be cursed. The Lord chose Israel as His instrument, and the Lord's instrument is a trumpet of judgement.'

As you can see, if this man is a true prophet his prophecies are deeply burdensome. 

I trust your discretion and good sense to let no one know until I return of this prophecy but certain members of the small court you think best suited to interpret it, I leave that at your jurisdiction. Upon my return we will of course discuss it in the small court. 

Abi gezunt and please thank Bernice for that wonderful kafta recipe, Doris swears it would have never occurred to her to put cinnamon in, 

Hillel

Israel/Palestine: 20 Questions

 

1. Does Netanyahu want a ceasefire?

No.

2. Does Hamas want a ceasefire?

No.

3. Whom do they think they're fooling?

Everybody.

4. Who are they actually fooling?

Nobody.

5. Why do millions on either side continue to support them?

Because people with authoritarian beliefs believe leaders lie to the public for their own good, and everyone who doesn't see what the the leader sees is too dumb to understand the truth.

6, Who is responsible for this impasse?

Technically, the Israeli and Palestinian governments, but actually it's everyone who supports the Israeli right (probably 3 out of every 8 Jewish citizens), along with everyone who supports Hamas (unable to be calculated). There is a sizeable part of both sides who still support Netanyahu and Sinwar because they long for this war to go on perpetually until one side is vanquished, which they delusionally believe is possible. Neither side will ever vanquish the other side, but they may yet get their wish for the first half of that question: a long war that prolongs the tenures of both Netanyahu and Sinwar (or a replacement) until things get sufficiently violent to make both sides dread war's cost enough to demand new leadership.

The Israeli military is responsible in that it must carry out the policies of a lunatic government. Netanyahu refuses to give up the Philadelphi Corridor, a small plot of land connecting Egypt and Gaza, and this is a sticking point without which bringing hostages home is impossible. His own defense minister wants him to concede it, his own general staff wants him to concede it, his own intelligence agencies want him to concede it, but Netanyahu refuses to give it up because he says it's how Hamas reloads (and in all fairness, he may be right, but clearly the military thinks they can manage it).

Without hope of a ceasefire, the hostages become of no value to Hamas, and most of them will be killed. Fortunately, Hamas can't be seen as walking away from a ceasefire either, and that buys the hostages time. If negotiations cease, many of the hostages are doomed, but both sides must be seen as going through the motions of negotiations they have no intention of agreeing to nor honoring.

7. What would it take to unseat Netanyahu and Sinwar?

Surprisingly little, and yet like the Israel/Palestine conflict itself, enacting the obvious solution depends on millions giving up their most cherished beliefs. Only five defections of Knesset members in Netanyahu's coalition would bring down the government.

8. How likely is it that five members would leave?

Almost impossible. Meaning Netanyahu has an unbreakable hold on power until Israeli law mandates elections must be called in 2026

9. How is Netanyahu still in power?

Because like a leech he drains the Israeli body politic of everything that was once good about it. From its beginnings, Israel's greatest virtue was that however chaotic the country and the body politic, they banded together in a crisis. Israel was briefly united after October 7th, that unity now seems a grand delusion.

10. What is it that Netanyahu exploits to stay in power?

The chaos of the Israeli multi party system of government. This chaos used to be thought Israel's great strength, it is now clear that like so many unstable governments, it was waiting for a demagogue to exploit it to sit atop the chaos like a dictator.

Hamas has announced it's bringing suicide bombing back to Israel. When it happens, Netanyahu will get a whole new group of supporters

11. What are the chances to negotiate the return of more hostages?

Almost impossible. Even now.

12. What would make it possible?

The negotiated settlement neither Hamas nor the Israeli right wants.

13. What will happen to the hostages if they're not returned home?

Many of them will be killed, some deliberately placed under Israeli bombing raids, others shot to prevent nearby Israeli soldiers from rescuing them. Others will fester in Palestinian captivity for years.

14. Does Netanyahu care?

Of course not.

15. Does Netanyahu even believe his own rhetoric?

Nobody believes his own propaganda more than this guy. Even after all this, Netanyahu believes the State of Israel is his personal property. If Netanyahu decides total victory is more important than getting back the hostages, no one can convince him otherwise.

16. Does anyone believe Netanyahu's rhetoric?

A large number of Netanyahu's supporters believe he does not go far enough and wants him to simply announce perpetual occupation and further settlement in the West Bank.

17. Is there anyone who opposes Netanyahu's plan?
Nearly 70% of the country does. Some estimates show that as many as 700,000 participated in this weekend's protest to demand a ceasefire just in Tel Aviv, along with tens of thousands in protests around the country elsewhere.

18. Whose fault is all this?

Everyone's, yet no one's. 40,000 Palestinians are likely dead, yet the truth is that were Israel not successful in deterring Palestine, 40,000 dead Jews is a mere trifle compared to what Hamas would visit on Israel's Jews. It's not going to happen, and yet it could...

Nevertheless, even if Israel were correct to see itself as the side of democratic civilization against totalitarian barbarism, Israelis are so much more powerful than Palestinians that there is far less distance to travel between bloody thoughts and bloody actions. Israel has an obligation to show their model of how to go about things is the superior model, and yet by convincing themselves that they are the unquestionable side of democracy and civilization in a civilizational conflict, they become the barbarism they despise. When people believe they're in a struggle between good and evil, there is no evil act they cannot convince themselves to do.

Israel is changing as rapidly as any country in the world. Israelis complain about Islamic birthrates, but the birthrates of Israel's religious are breathtaking. 20% of the country is orthodox and half of that is ultra-orthodox. Birthrates have nearly doubled in the ultra-orthodox population in a mere fifteen years. This could give the orthodox enough power to make Israel a semi-theocracy sooner than we can fathom, a theocracy sitting atop a nuclear stockpile that will dwarf anything in the Arab world, even should Iran successfully develop a nuclear weapon.

Netanyahu knows this, and he means to drain the efficacy of secular Israel and be succeeded by the religious right, which can be the majority of Israeli society sooner than you think.

19. What is Netanyahu's ultimate goal?

Superficially, to stay in power and avoid jail, and in order to do that he must placate the far far right members of his coalition by having no negotiated settlement.

More broadly, it's to create a conflict large enough that the US becomes directly involved, therefore the US bombs Iran's nuclear program using their military capabilities that still dwarf Israel's. Iran's nuclear program is so deep under mountains that no Israeli weapon can reach it.

But Netanyahu can't be seen as causing the conflict himself, so he waits, and subtly provokes, until the axis of resistance commits a terrible mistake that kills American forces or the number of Israelis that are now killed in Gaza. And make no mistake, Netanyahu would view 50,000 Israeli deaths as mere collateral damage in a much larger conflict in which victory would save millions of lives from nuclear annihilation. Netanyahu will wait a long while yet, because neither Hamas nor Hezbollah have set a foot wrong. But in their manipulation of public opinion around the world, their tactics are astonishingly modern.

20. What could stop Israel from becoming a theocracy?

Ironically, antisemitism abroad, causing mass migrations from countries with lots of Jews. It doesn't happen until it does. That is the great lesson of Jewish history.

* I may be wrong about all this.

One last question:

Was the authoritarian drift of Israel inevitable?

Maybe, but if it was, then the drift of the world toward authoritarianism is inevitable too. The functionality of the world depends on the ability to tolerate contradictions: Israel itself has always been such a contradiction: secular yet based upon a religion.

Israel was a compromise that had to happen in order to keep Jews alive. If your ideology prevents you from seeing the necessity of places like Israel, your ideology is too simple to work in the real world. If your ideology prevents you from seeing why Israel must aspire even through its battles to be as liberal a democracy as can exist in these circumstances, your ideology is too simple to work either. Either way dooms Israel, and writ large, dooms the world too. The real world demands pragmatism, not ideology, and embracing the contradictions.

The world is leaving pragmatism behind, and without it, there is no real world anymore.