Nu Shammai?
I trust in my absence you've upended every one of my rulings and the Kingdom of Judea is now the theocracy of your geshlechter wet dreams. More seriously, I trust you in my absence to be fair and broadminded tzaddik I know you are; but don't worry, if you do anything too egregious Gamliel will report back to me and we'll call back all the disputants, at which point they'll watch me dump a plate of falafel over your head.
Don't get me wrong I wish I was back in Jerusalem making headway on our mountain of parchmentwork, but our dear leader really has something extraordinary here in the desert. He's literally built a castle out of a mountain's rock, it serves both as desert resort and a military fortress people can flee to under siege.
That doesn't mean it's easy to get there. Ochen vey the trip up the mountain is excruciating and you have to start at first light or else you're too winded to climb the farshtunkiner thing. Climbing it takes forever, it's murder on the knees, and by the time you're at the top you're too tired and hot to appreciate the place.
Anyway I was obviously there to dedicate the synagogue, but who could be waiting for us but an Essene priest named Yochanan (they're all named Yochanan...). I know the Essenes know how to live in the desert like we never will, but he was just standing on one of the benches, waiting for us to get there as though anybody could have seen him, but clearly the guards had no idea he was there, and who knows? He might have been hiding in the palace for weeks!
I know the Essenes really get to you Shammai, but if you got to know the Essenes, you might be stunned by how much you have in common with them. They might live communisitically, but they do it so they can better live Hashem's laws. These are people so devoted to living like a mensch that most of them never get married or have relations. They don't own slaves because they serve each other. They don't swear oaths so they won't break them. They don't even trade because they view business matters as unclean. They even hold in their drek on shabbos to keep the day pure. Isn't this the kavonah you've always wanted from our Yisraelim? I'm sure you don't like that they don't sacrifice animals, but nu, what's there to eat in the desert?
Obviously, Herod made pretty quick work of this guy, but not before he rendered a pretty impressive prophetic speech. Anyway, this wasn't just an Essene, this was a rhetorician. I can't relate you the tone of his speech, but it was as incantory as anything you've heard in the beis hamikdash. We think prophets no longer walk among us, but if half of what this guy forecasts is true...
Try not to think about that for now. What's more important is that dear leader wants us to interpret his sayings, so I'm just going to report to you the fragments I remember, and maybe you can help me interpret what that means for us. Among other things he said is that 'Rome is only conquerable from within', but also 'Israel shall conquer Rome.' He said 'the world has not and shall not change such as this for two thousand years', 'god will render god unto Rome,' but also 'through Rome shall gods conquer all.'
Then there were his musings on our dear leader for which I'm sure said leader wants ample interpretation: 'Herod slays kings, yet a king is born shall slay Herod in a house of bread.' 'The king shall be as merciful as Herod vengeful, yet is Herod an angel next to this king's vassals.'
But most troubling is what he said about us, and this I remember quite clearly: 'After Herod shall the Lord cast Israel off unto the seventy-seventh generation. Herod's yoke shall be as a kiss. In Israel shall be found the mark of Cain, bless Israel and ye shall be blessed, curse Israel and ye shall be cursed. The Lord chose Israel as His instrument, and the Lord's instrument is a trumpet of judgement.'
As you can see, if this man is a true prophet his prophecies are deeply burdensome.
I trust your discretion and good sense to let no one know until I return of this prophecy but certain members of the small court you think best suited to interpret it, I leave that at your jurisdiction. Upon my return we will of course discuss it in the small court.
Abi gezunt and please thank Bernice for that wonderful kafta recipe, Doris swears it would have never occurred to her to put cinnamon in,
Hillel
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