Shammai: You commanded me to audience majesty?
Herod: Yes, have a seat.
Shammai: I presume this is about o... .... Majesty, may I inquire what's happening to your arm?
Herod: Nothing that's your concern.
Shammai: Majesty, please forgive me for pointing it out, but your right forearm is twice the size of your left.
Herod: Of course it's about the oaths. Six thousand of your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. Are your bochers really that stupid?
Shammai: I can't be responsible for those who don't take your oaths.
Herod: Of course you're responsible! Every one of your beheymes refuses it.
Shammai: Am I the Pharisees' keeper?
Herod: You're THESE Pharisees' keeper. It's not like they respect Hillel.
Shammai: They don't know him as we do.
Herod: You know what I mean. They don't follow Sanhedrin rulings.
Shammai: So?
Herod: Everything they follow is written by a nudnik named Rav Shimon of Jamnia.
Shammai: Is your majesty implying something?
Herod: Do you think I'm stupid?
Shammai: Anything but, majesty.
Herod: You think Hillel is stupid?
Shammai: Is what I think of Rabban Hillel what we're discussing?
Herod: If you're gonna publish your own rulings that contradict the court you can at least do it under a name that doesn't sound exactly like Rav Shammai of Yavneh.
Shammai: Well if Majesty is so curious, he should know that yes, I have sometimes written under the name Shimon of Jamnia, but never since I was summoned to become the Sanhedrin's court father.
Herod: Well, Shimon of Jamnia is surely aware that I could have you charged with perjury. Tribe of Reuben vs. Hezekiah, Yahya vs. Binyamin , Yitzhak vs. Yitzhak, these are cases the Sanhedrin heard after your arrival.
Shammai: I have not perjured myself. There is no Shimon of Jamnia. It's a common name many rabbis have used.
Herod: Oh you're good. You're as good as Hillel.
Shammai: I suppose I should take that as a compliment?
Herod: The highest. You have a code with your followers. There is no place called Jamniah, it's probably just a way of saying Yavneh in some slave language.
Shammai: No language I'm familiar with, Majesty.
Herod: For decades, the Sanhedrin ruled on the laws and the sane part of this country followed its rule, but for twenty-five years there's been this northern fanatiker named Shimon of Jamnia who issued legal ruling after rabbinical writing that declares the exact opposite of the Sanhedrin on every rule, but now, instead of writing on regional cases in the northern tribes, Shimon of Jamnia's now issuing entirely separate rulings about Sanhedrin court cases. Are you going to plead ignorance of this?
Shammai: These writings have crossed my desk.
Herod: These opinions began right after you came to the high court!
Shammai: Your majesty, I have not once written under the name of Shimon of Jamnia since I came to the Sanhedrin.
Herod: Of course you haven't, you just have any one of your twenty chassids on the court write it for you. For all I know they're just taking dictation, and these are rulings on everything from prohibiting conversions to the direction of Hanukkah candles... for fucking Yahweh's sake, what Haredi meshuggener needs a separate ruling over which way to light the candles?
Shammai: Your majesty, I cannot presume to control the religious practices of hereti... Your majesty there is liquid issuing from your arm.
Herod: There's always liquid on my arm. Don't change the subject. You have your Labans publish rulings for you, and those are the rulings your northern schnorrers observe.
Shammai: Surely you're not suggesting that there's more than one court in the land.
Herod: This country has two courthouses: the House of Hillel and the House of Shammai. The House of Hillel for the sane people who just want to live their lives, and the House of Shammai for idiots who throw their lives away on Hashem.
Shammai: Your majesty forgive me but you promised independence for the courts and it's not for you to judge how your subjects choose to worshi
Herod: I promised the independence of one court, not two.
Shammai: There is only one court.
Herod: Of course there is, you secretly don't recognize the Sanhedrin. You only recognize the court of Shimon of Jamnia, who apparently isn't you.
Shammai: If that's true, why did Rabban Hillel appoint me as his court father?
Herod: Because Hillel knows that he has to appease all your northern mamzers by letting you do all those tzudreyt things you do in the n... ... ... ...
Shammai: Majesty?... ...
Shammai: ... ... Majesty?
Herod: ...North! Forcing widows to marry their brother-in-laws, not letting widows have a dowry on remarriage, having separate plates for each food, saving all your meat for Shabbes even if the meat spoils, having to go all the way to Jerusalem to eat certain fruit, forcing people in the North to freeze to death every night in the Sukkah: what sort of mole people live like this?
Shammai: Majesty forgive me for pointing this out but before you listed your misinterpretations of our northern practices you just froze for a mo
Herod: I freeze now, it's something that happens. Don't change the subject.
Shammai: Forgive me Majesty, I'm not sure I follow what the subject is anymore.
Herod: The subject is that your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath.
Shammai: Umm, Forgive me, Majesty, I cannot be held responsible for the actions of people who would presume to follow what they think I want.
Herod: What you want is obvious.
Shammai: Then please enlighten me Majesty, what do I want?
Herod: That your... your northerners won't take the oath. I'm... I'm trying to run a kingdom here that doesn't break into civil war.
Shammai: I doubt you're in any danger of that.
Herod: Civil war... is what you Israelites do, it's your fa... favorite shabbos activity.
Shammai: Well if your majesty is worried about civil war surely a mere oath won't stop your subjects from pursuing...
Herod: It will remind them that if they cross me I wo... ... won't hesitate to kill them.
Shammai: Surely the king is not so vengeful as to kill six thousand men just because they might feel a loyalty to Hashem.
Herod: I should have known. After all these years I still can't believe that it's all about your farshtu... farshtunkiner god. You're all just naarish enough that I believe you.
Shammai: Northerners are not naarish, but we do take our emuno seriously.
Herod: Seriously or not, tell your Shimon of Jamnia that I need that oath.
Shammai: I keep telling you, there is no Shimon of Jamni
Herod: Don't play.... dumb khaleryah, you know what I need. And remember, I've done worse than.... kill six thousand, but no. I'm not that vengeful, though I can make them wish they were dead.
Shammai: Your majesty might consider that such behavior might be another reason why they refuse to take the oath.
Herod: Oh I'm well aware of why they REALLY don't take the oath Rebbe, but since I'm... so hated, I have to ensure rule of law somehow.
Shammai: You might consider giving the north a greater role.
Herod: Rav Shammai of Yavneh! I never thought I'd see the day you actually played politics.
Shammai: All I'm saying is that the north should have a greater say in the matters of state and law.
Herod: Tayerer gott, I... I don't believe it. Yes. It's a shame the North doesn't have a bigger say. It's a shame after all this time that we never worked together.
Shammai: We do work together!
Herod: We work against each other. I need someone who works with me.
Shammai: Don't you have Hillel?
Herod: Hillel's weak, you know it as well as I do, I need a Chief Rabbi of iron.
Shammai: Your majesty. What kind of iron?
Herod: The iron Hillel will never be.
Shammai: Majesty. Surely if you communicated your wishes to Hillel.
Herod: I communicate them every day. They go into a tohu vavohu and I never see them again. Maybe it's time for him to join it.
Shammai: Em... If your majesty means what I
Herod: I'm not going to commit any violence against the Northmen, but if they refuse to take the oath I will tax two-thirds of their holdings. If they take the oath, I will annihilate the threat from Hillel and push Shimon of Jamnia's rulings through the Sanhedrin, but I need to know, when I have my own laws to add, will you push through my ruli.....
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Shammai: Your Majesty?
Your Majesty?
YOUR MAJESTY?!
KING HEROD?!?
(Shammai waits a moment, thinks about it, then slaps Herod as hard as he can. Walks to the door of the room, then thinks twice of it, comes back to Herod and slaps him again. Then he leaves the room. )
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