TCP: Shimon of Jamnia - 80%

 Shammai: You commanded me to audience majesty?

Herod: Yes, have a seat. 

Shammai: I presume this is about o... .... Majesty, may I inquire what's happening to your arm?

Herod: Just a small matter. 

Shammai: Majesty, please forgive me for pointing it out, but your right forearm is twice the size of your left. 

Herod: It's the least of my worries. Anyway of course it's about the oaths. Six thousand of your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. Are your followers really that stupid?

Shammai: I can't be responsible for those who don't take your oaths.

Herod: Of course you're responsible for it! Every one of your pharisee extremists refuses to take the oath. 

Shammai: Am I the Pharisees' keeper?

Herod: You're THESE Pharisees' keeper. It's not like these guys have much respect for Hillel. 

Shammai: They don't know him as we do. 

Herod: You know what I mean. They don't follow Hillel's rulings. 

Shammai: So?

Herod: Their legal documents are written by someone named Rav Shimon of Jamnia. 

Shammai: Is your majesty implying something?

Herod: Do you think I'm stupid? 

Shammai: Anything but, majesty. 

Herod: You think Rabban Hillel is stupid?

Shammai: Is what I think of Rabban Hillel the matter of discussion?

Herod: If you're going to publish your own rulings separate from the court you can at least do it under a name that doesn't sound like Rav Shammai of Yavneh. 

Shammai: Well if Majesty is so curious, he should know that yes, I have sometimes written under the name Shimon of Jamnia, but never since I was summoned to become the Sanhedrin's court father. 

Herod: Well, Shimon of Jamnia is surely aware that I could have you charged with perjury. Tribe of Reuben v. Hezekiah, Yahya v. Binyamin , Yitzhak v. Yitzhak, these are cases the Sanhedrin heard after your arrival. 

Shammai: I have not perjured myself. There is no Shimon of Jamnia. It's a common name many rabbis have used. 

Herod: Oh you're good... You're as good as Hillel. 

Shammai: I suppose I should take that as a compliment?

Herod: The highest. You have a code with your followers. There is no place called Jamniah, it's probably just a way of saying Yavneh in some slave tongue I'm not familiar with. For years, the Sanhedrin presided and the sane part of this country abided by majority rule, but there was this northern fanatic named Shimon of Jamnia who issued book of legal ruling after rabbinical writing, but now, instead of writing on regional matters in the northern tribes, Shimon of Jamnia's now issuing entirely separate rulings on Sanhedrin decisions. Are you going to plead ignorance of this?

Shammai: These writings have crossed my desk. 

Herod: These opinions began right after you came to the high court! 

Shammai: Your majesty, I have not once written under the name of Shimon of Jamnia since I came to the Sanhedrin. 

Herod: Of course you haven't, you just have any one from the twenty chassids in your pocket write your rulings for you. Rulings on everything from prohibiting immediate conversions to the direction of Hanukkah candles... what sort of Haredi meshuggener needs a separate ruling over which way to light the candles?

Shammai: Your majesty, I cannot presume to control the religious practices of hereti... Your majesty there is liquid issuing from your arm. 

Herod: There's always liquid issuing from my arm. Don't change the subject. You have your Labans publish rulings for you, and those are the rulings your northern na'ars observe. 

Shammai: Surely you're not suggesting that there's more than one court in the land. 

Herod: This country has two courthouses: the House of Hillel and the House of Shammai. The House of Hillel for the sane people who just want to live their lives, and the House of Shammai for idiots who throw their lives away on Hashem. 

Shammai: Your majesty forgive me but you promised independence for the courts and it's not for you to judge how your subjects choose to worshi...

Herod: I promised the independence of one court, not two. 

Shammai: There is only one court. 

Herod: Of course there is, you secretly don't recognize the Sanhedrin. You only recognize the court of Shimon of Jamnia as legitimate. 

Shammai: If that's true, why did Rabban Hillel appoint me as his court father?

Herod: Because Hillel knows that he has to appease your northern partisans by letting you do all those tzudreyt things you do in the n.... ... 

Shammai: Majesty?... ...

Shammai: ... ... Majesty?

Herod: ...All those tzudreyt things you do in the North! Forcing widows to marry their brother-in-laws, not letting widows have a dowry on remarriage, having separate plates for each food, saving all your meat for Shabbes even if the meat spoils, having to go all the way to Jerusalem to eat certain fruit, forcing people in the North to freeze to death every night in the Sukkah... what sort of mole people live like this?

Shammai: Majesty forgive me for pointing this out but before you listed your misinterpretations of our northern practices you just froze for a mo...

Herod: I freeze now, it's just something that happens. Don't change the subject. 

Shammai: Forgive me Majesty, I'm not sure I follow what the subject is anymore. 

Herod: The subject is that your followers refuse to take the loyalty oath. 

Shammai: Er... I cannot be held responsible for the actions of people who would presume to follow what they think I want. 

Herod: What you want is not in question. 

Shammai: Then please enlighten me Majesty, what is? 

Herod: That your... your northerners won't take the oath. I'm... I'm trying to run a kingdom here that doesn't break apart into civil war. 

Shammai: I doubt you're in any danger of that. 

Herod: Civil war... is what you Israelites do, it's your fa... favorite shabbos activity. 

Shammai: Well if your majesty is worried about civil war surely a mere oath won't stop your subjects from pursuing...

Herod: It will remind them that if they cross me I... ... won't hesitate to kill them. 

Shammai: Surely the king is not so vengeful as to kill six thousand men just because they might feel a loyalty to Hashem. 

Herod: I should have known. After all these years I still can't believe that it's all about your farshtunkiner god... you're all just naarish enough that I believe you. 

Shammai: Northerners are not naarish, but we do take our emunoh seriously. 

Herod: Seriously or not, tell your Shimon of Jamnia that I need that oath. 

Shammai: I keep telling you, there is no Shimon of Jamni

Herod: Don't play.... dumb, you know what I need. And remember, I've done worse than.... kill six thousand, but no. I'm not that vengeful, though I can make them wish they were dead. 

Shammai: Your majesty might consider that such behavior might be another reason why they refuse to take the oath. 

Herod: Oh I'm well aware of why they REALLY don't take the oath Rebbe, but since I'm... so hated, I have to ensure rule of law somehow. 

Shammai: You might consider giving the north a greater role. 

Herod: ... ... Rav Shammai of Yavneh! I never thought I'd see the day you actually played politics. 

Shammai: All I'm saying is that the north should have a greater say in the matters of state and law. 

Herod: Tayerer gott, I... don't believe it... Indeed it is a shame the North doesn't have a bigger say. 

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Shammai:  and it's a shame after  we couldn't work together. 

Shammai: We do work together! 

Herod: We work against each other. I mean work together. 

Shammai: If your majesty means what I...

Herod: Rav Hillel is weak, you know it as well as I do, I need a rabbi of iron.

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