Iuly 4th, Ab Urbe Conditia 759
Amici Caesaris,
We have a grave problem, a cataclysmic problem, a semantic problem to be exact, a semitic problem to be approximate. To tell about the nature of this problem is difficult because the problem itself is better at articulating problems than we are.
We are accustomed to thinking our imperial subjects barbarians. One after another kills each other, and their motive for murder is utterly clear: wealth, they wish to accumulate, threats, they wish to eliminate, fear, they wish to inspire. We in Rome can help the most ruthless among them fully realize their barbaric potential and are only too happy to let them freely indulge in it so we may continue our organization of the civilisation that rules over them.
But the Jews, they are not barbarians. Or, if they are, they are something still more difficult: barbarians who think like the civilized. The threat from Roman Jews is more easily understood: they are our friends and donors, they are if anything too good at playing civilisation, and too easily throw about their influence. Even were such influence not a demerit to true Roman virtue, it would nevertheless signify a threat to the patrician class that so many amiable and intelligent barbarians can simply buy their way into our company by virtue of inborn talent.
It is very easy to think these Jews of the Levant less intelligent or corrupting, due to their odd appearances and abrasive lack of etiquette. That would be a calamitous underestimation. As with our problem's progenitor Herod, their shrewdness is every bit as developed, their critical faculties every bit as honed.
What they lack is schooling as we and the Greeks understand it, and thus, they are not beholden by precision to hit at the root cause of problems, which, as you all know, The Philosopher demands in his Nicomachean Ethics. And therefore, in their approximations, they are allowed to permit themselves infinite nuance to tell truths subjectively, and thus evade the precision and might of Roman law. In our courts, we have complaints that they argue as sophists do. On the witness stand, they tell the truth only in approximations and give their opinions on what happens rather than the truth itself.
As you know, we have seen this trait in our Eastern Jews for generations, but now that Caesar has deigned to make Judea a governate, this problem invades our advisory chambers.
After the first joint meeting of Herod's sons as claimants to the Judean throne, each sent their advocate. rather than represent themselves, and rather than argue the objective truth, they can argue as Sophists do in opinion and perception. They uniformly do not state 'this is the truth,' they state 'I believe.' Belief is endemic to the Judeans, and while I have no objectivity to give this claim, I submit that their belief in the unknowability of ultimate truths is the greatest threat to Rome in our history, and we must convince Caesar of such before their beliefs infect our discoveries of truth.
You all know that Caesar is determined not to repeat his rash judgement which deemed Archilaus the proper King of Judea. You also know that the new claimants to the Judean throne are being adjudicated with all due deliberation over a period of months. What you do not know is that yesterday, a designated team of advocates for our threat, Judah of Galilee, insisted upon being seen with the guarantee that the rebellion would cease were their demands met. They had but one demand, that Judea become the republic which Rome once had, and which Caesar still pays heed to returning the country to even over the objections of Domina Livia. Obviously, we could not grant this request. The principal advocate, one Yokhanan of the Judean Hill Country, then immediately switched his demand to that Judah of Galilee be made King of Judea, and then when we said that no king suitable for Judea would ever entertain a republic, he immediately denied he ever said Judea should be a republic. Of course, we told him, we have it recorded scrupulously in our minutes that he said it, as is good government policy dictates since Divine Julius. The minutes were duly read back. However, said record is now missing from our archives, along with all copies. When questioned about this, all the advocates were plainly in our company from the moment they arrived to the moment the minutes went missing, and thus have impenetrable alibis.
Within seven minutes of the advocates' arrival, a messenger duly came with the happy missive that Judah of Galilee is now dead. The advocate now presented one of his fellow advocates, a Pharisee called Zadok whose town of origin they refused to name so they might not perjure themselves. The lead advocate presented Zadok the Pharisee as the new and rightful King of Judea, who is ready to make Judea precisely the trial liberal kingdom Caesar so rashly proposed to Judea's tyrant Herod. All these contortions, mind you, happened within a ten minute window.
Until such time as the records appear again, we are officially forced to entertain the claim, even as Caesar has no intention of granting it. We cannot allow for Judea or any other kingdom to learn that we will entertain this trial project, or demands of it will multiply geometrically throughout the empire. Our men in Judea must be on the lookout for any and all ships and any and all letters, to the point of killing all passengers on all ships going into Israeli ports or even any private shore unaccounted for. Every Roman soldier in Judea and Syria must be dispatched posthaste all along the Mediterranean coastline for search and seizure. Whatever rebellion lack of policing causes, it will be insignificant next to the rebellion fomented by the knowledge that we are officially hearing this claim.
In the name of Caesar I hereby invoke Operation Cincinnatus to dispatch all messengers to Judea and Syria to convey this order to the governors. By order of Caesar, I also dispatch legions III Cyrenaica, II Triana, XII Fulminata, and XXII Deotariana to Syrian base camp with the standby order to prepare march upon Judea.
Senatus Publius Qui Romanus,
Gaius Cilnius Maecenas
Deputy Magister Equitum, Consul ex-officio, Consolium Principis to Princeps Caesar Augustus
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Amici Caesaris,
Kindly disregard the order of the great and honorable Maecenas. He is the most Roman of us all, but if we are to run an empire, we must occasionally do as the empire does. We will duly consider the motion, we will roundly reject it, and we will tie every other petition up in the lower courts in perpetuum.
Your Dear Friend Who Misses You All,
Augustus
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