Caesar: ...Archilaus two years ago I stood with you IN THIS ROOM and I backed you as the successor to your father because I thought you were clearly were the most gifted of your brothers. I heard you put down a revolt and massacred two thousand demonstrators who had broken for lunch, and thought here was a boy as ruthless as his father and it would be senseless to stand in his way. Now I find out you're as incompetent as every other vassal king in this sorry empire.
Archilaus: If I recall correctly Mr. Princeps, you called all three of us idiots.
Caesar: Yes well you ARE idiots. While you went on this good will sojourn to Rome your slaves mounted a revolt and set fire to half the royal palaces in Judea!
Archilaus: With all due respect, Caesar, there was no way of knowing that a slave revolt was imminent. The last time there was a major slave revolt in the Empire was in the time of First Triumvera...
Caesar: (interrupting) Yes we all know about Spartacus! But then a group of two thousand Idumean soldiers revolted because they hadn't been paid.
Archilaus: That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't sent Sabinius to repossess the temple treasures.
Caesar: Well can you imagine what any of those groups might have done if they had access to your treasures? They'd have conquered the whole Levant as quick as boiled asparagus. And then you had a revolt in the South from shepherds! SHEPHERDS!
Archilaus: Well they were facing Roman soldiers, not Judean.
Caesar: Are you publicly questioning the skill of Roman soldiers IN MY OFFICE?
Archilaus: My apologies Caesar, I would never...
Caesar: Spare me. I knew what it was to learn that Jewish kings are cleverer than me, but I never thought I'd learn what it is to manage an incompetent Jewish king.
Archilaus: Caesar, if you...
Caesar: If you hadn't come to Rome in some false display of solidarity and simply killed your brothers like a proper barbarian this would have never happened. Now everyone else in Judea's going to die and their King has left for Rome AGAIN!
Archilaus: If Caesar would just allow me to explain.
Caesar: As though there's any explanation for this.
Archilaus: The revolts that happened in our absence were really not as big as the reports.
Caesar: How could they possibly be as big as the reports....
Archilaus: There was no existential threat to Judea's Roman presence, just minor skirmishes that were easily put down when we returned. But a new threat has arisen that really is existential.
Caesar: My analysts never sounded so afraid as they did about those Judean revolts, and now you tell me those were minor compared to what's happening now?
Archilaus: There is a man, his name is Judah of Galilee, who lead a force and defeated a legion to take the fort in Tzippori.
Caesar: Vassal you will refer to that city as Diocaesaria in Rome.
Archilaus: He burned the fort in Diocaesaria but he took all the Roman weapons, he's taken all the Roman money, and he's turned nearly half the soldiers in our army to his cause with bigger pay than we can possibly afford.
Caesar: (pauses for a second) Were any of our eagles in that fort?
Archilaus: I... don't know.
Caesar: WERE ANY OF OUR EAGLES IN THAT FORT?
Archilaus: I don't know.
Caesar: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ROMAN EAGLES ARE IN YOUR COUNTRY?
Archilaus: It didn't seem relevant.
Caesar: Your country is in flames and the symbol of the Roman army doesn't seem relevant to you?
Archilaus: With all due respect, Caesar, the legion is fundamentally uncompromised. There were a few hundred deaths but the vast majority of the legion is still functional and fighting.
Caesar: You Jews have no sense of honor. Eagles are not just trinkets, they're as holy as a torah, and imagine there are only thirty torahs in the world. To lose one is a desecration against Jove and all gods on Olympus.
Archilaus: Sire I did not understa...
Caesar: IT'S YOUR BUSINESS TO UNDERSTAND!
Archilaus: Yes Caesar.
Caesar: I have never done this in all my years as Princeps of Rome. You leave me no choice but to fire a king. You will not be tried, you will not be executed. You will become a full citizen of Rome, given all the honors of a King in exile, not that you deserve them. But you will make a speech to the Roman Senate extolling the glory and generosity of Rome and her selfless service to your ungovernable country and justify a request to make Judea a Roman governate. You will personally request military aid amounting to three legions to defeat this Judah of Galilee and avenge Rome losing her eagle. The Senate will be so inspired by your loyalty that they will insist upon sending four legions to Galilee and I will make the Nabatean king send his army just in case the Roman army is too lenient. Every soldier fighting for Judah of Galilee will be crucified where the Judean public can see them. Then you will retire to a villa in the beautiful South of Gaul, full of wineries, plentiful crops, beautiful slaves, friendly neighbors and YOU WILL NEVER MAKE YOURSELF HEARD FROM AGAIN!
Archilaus: Yes, Caesar.
Caesar: I thought Jews were the cleverest people we have: the best administrators, the best scribes and artisans in the Empire AND THE BEST POLITICIANS! I celebrated your duplicity and defended it as your people's greatest trait! Now I find that without Herod you're as incompetent as everyone else and twice as obnoxious.
Archilaus: I'm sorry Caesar, I've failed you.
Caesar: Say what you will about those German idiots in the North, they tell the truth and have a sense of honor, but you Jews have no symbol that means enough to you to make you understand the importance of an eagle except a book that most of you can't even read. You can't even see your own god, how do we know you even believe in him?
Archilaus: Caesar, I assure you my people believe in this god very much.
Caesar: They must if they care this much about overthrowing us, but who knows if their god is even their real motive? There is nothing they cannot part with, nothing they cannot justify. Everything is survival to them and they will lie, bribe, steal and argue their way back to life: I could kill every Jew in the world and still it would seem like you're all thriving.
Archilaus: This is everything my father said.
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