(Samuel is thirteen years old, Yahweh appears to him in a dream)
Yahweh: Shmueleh, I am the god of your fathers and forefathers, and I bid you awake.
Samuel: I'm here but I am still asleep.
Yahweh: No Samuel, I mean awake spiritually!
Samuel: I'm awake spiritually! Hashem is here, Hashem is there, Hashem is everywhere!
Yahweh: OK, fine, you're spiritually awake.
Samuel: I know.
Yahweh: Since you're spiritually awake, I bid you go to Aeli.
Samuel: I know Aeli. Nice guy. He lets me sweep the temple floors sometimes.
Yahweh: I bid you assassinate him.
Samuel: Kill him?
Yahweh: He had a chance to annihilate Philistine with the Ark of the Covenant, he chose not to use it.
Samuel: But he was merciful. Isn't mercy an attribute of G-d?
Yahweh: Not this God, this God kills people.
Samuel: I don't get it.
Yahweh: Just kill him.
Samuel: Why?
Yahweh: Listen you little shit, you do first, understand later.
Samuel: Oh, yeah, they taught us that saying in school.
Yahweh: What's so hard about understanding this?
Samuel: I'm sorry, Lord, but you haven't spoken to anybody since Moses, and now I'm supposed to be Bar Mitzvah'd next month and you're telling me to kill the officiant?
Yahweh: Are you serious? Don't question me!
Samuel: I'm sorry, this is just a lot to take in.
Yahweh: Kill Aeli at your Bar-Mitzvah. Go.
(Samuel wakes up)
(Samuel goes into the kitchen, where his mother is drinking alone.)
Samuel: Mom, I had a weird dream.
Chana: I had a weird dream too.
Samuel: What was your dream?
Chana: That I had a better husband.
Samuel: He's not so bad.
Chana: He's run off with Penina again.
Samuel: (under his breath) I can't imagine why.
Chana: What?
Samuel: Nothing, sorry. I'm so sad to hear that Mom.
Chana: She hasn't kept her figure. She's as stupid as Balaam's ass. Her whole life is spending time with her kids and she was such a cunt to me.
Samuel: Y'know, maybe you wouldn't think about this if you found something to occupy your time.
Chana: I have you!
Samuel: (under his breath) You've got hooch.
Chana: What?
Samuel: Nothing.
Chana: Thank Hashem you have that after school job as a Temple janitor. He barely sends us money when he's with her.
Samuel: Y'know you might be happier if you worked.
Chana: I'm on disability!
Samuel: Of course. Of course you are. I'm sorry.
Chana: Your Dad used to be so in love with me! He said I was worth ten children to him!
Samuel: I know.
Chana: I can't help it, I know, it's cuz I'm a shikker.
Samuel: I think it's shikkereh.
Chana: No, it's shikker, no feminine form.
Samuel: You need to get better. I think you should take a vacation. I brought you those pamphlets about going to Benyamin.
Chana: More time in Jaffa? It's just another beach with sand, at least here we can canoe.
Samuel: You haven't been canoeing since I was seven!
Chana: I can do it there I can do it here. What was the dream?
Samuel: Never mind. I mostly forgot it already. Anyway, Aeli wants me to give a d'var torah.
Chana: Oh, that's a real honor! My son, giving a drasha in the Temple!
--------------------
(Next to High Priest Aeli stands Samuel at his Bar Mitzvah with a knife concealed in his tunic. Samuel will soon give his davar torah)
Aeli: Samuel, (to congregants) what can I say to you all about this mensch of a boychik? Straight A student, student government president, captain of the debate team, champion mathlete, key club volunteer... you play the harp beautifully. Last year you wow'd us all playing the lead in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. (to Samuel) What's in your future?
Class Jock sitting in the back row: (to his followers) Another Indian burn... (popular kids snicker)
Aeli: When our people arrived in Israel, their dream was for their descendants to achieve things exactly like you have. You are such a credit to Am Yisrael. I cannot imagine what your future holds, and I'm sure nobody here can wait to hear what you have to say about this week's Parsha.
(Aeli leaves the bimah, Samuel stays on and takes a step to the center)
Samuel: (obviously nervous but still smiling, looking straight down at piece of parchment, saying under-confidently) When Moses went to the mountaintop of Sinai, he received G-d's word, but the people down below had no regard for the Lord, and they worshipped a calf. (pause) And a calf is what people worship today (crowd seems uneasy). When Moses came down with the Ten Commandments, he saw people praying to an idol, and he slew three thousand Israelites. (Samuel gets nervouser) Moses loved Israel, and because he loved... Israel, he had to slay the people who deserted her (crowd gets nervouser too, Samuel turns to Aeli) When Aeli took back this Ark from the Philistines (gestures behind him to it) he had a chance to use it on the Philistines and annihilate them, and he chose not to (crowd murmurs. Samuel tries to steel himself and fails). The Lord spoke to me, just like he spoke to Moses, and he told me to kill Aeli (scandalized crowd mumbles at full boil, Samuel tries to pull out the knife, he keeps fiddling with it but can't get it out of his tunic). I don't want to do it, but Aeli has to die.
(Aeli drops dead)
Lady from the crowd exclaims: You killed him!
Another man from the crowd: No, you heard him, he said the Lord spoke to him.
Another lady the crowd; He is the Lord's messenger.
Other man from the crowd: He's a prophet!
Other lady from crowd: He is the new Priest!
Whole crowd at different times: HAIL SAMUEL! HAIL THE LEADER! HAIL THE PROPHET!
(they carry Samuel on their shoulders through Jerusalem)
fin
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