Minutes of Roman Imperator Family--
Julia Augusta (Livia): We have to discuss the matter of Herod's surviving children.
Caesar Augustus: I can't be bothered with the dealings of yet another dysfunctional family.
Livia: You will be bothered by this one! Herod has divided his kingdom into three parts for each of his living sons.
Tiberius Claudius Nero: I suppose this is their reward for surviving him.
Livia: Tace stultus! They're coming to Rome together in a show of mutual support to have you rule on who is the successor.
Caesar: Those idiots! While all of them are here their kingdoms will fall apart.
Nero Claudius Drusus (Germanicus): Some local Herodian colonel could easily conquer half the country in their absence before the Governor in Syria even knows.
Gaius Julius Caesar the younger: I guarantee that one of these children has already shored up local support and means to kill the others regardless of your ruling.
Caesar: Ah. Smart as boiled asparagus that one. Not yet eighteen and he already understands the machinations of princes.
Livia: And yet you don't if you don't establish a single heir!
Caesar: (pounds table) I will designate my heirs as I see fit!
Germanicus: It would seem that Herod has deliberately divided the country among his sons so that they'll kill each other.
Caesar: That Herod truly was one of my best decisions...
Tiberius: Well, at least his sons are intelligent enough to ally themselves.
Livia: Stop talking about what you don't understand.
Tiberius: All I said was!...
Livia: You don't understand politics filius, you're here for military reasons.
Tiberius: Oh and what does the most hated person in Rome know about politics?
Livia: Much more than her child it seems because he can't keep his mouth quiet when he should be listening.
Lucius: Germanicus, didn't you say something about an asset we were already cultivating?
Caesar: Oh, listen to him, already having his ear about the goings on at court.
Livia: STOP SPOILING YOUR GRANDCHILDREN!
Caesar: (pounds desk again) THEY'RE MY GRANDCHILDREN AND THEY NEED THE CONFIDENCE TO RUN AN EMPIRE! I'M CEASAR AND IF I WANT TO PRAISE MY ISSUE FOR BEING INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS YOU DON'T DARE STOP ME!
(slight pause)
Livia: Might I inquire if Caesar has had lunch?
Caesar: That's the first productive thing you've said in this meeting.
Livia: Tiberius, go see about some food.
Tiberius: Mother, I....
Livia: SEE ABOUT THE FOOD! I'll let you know everything you missed. Germanicus, please answer Lucius's question.
Germanicus: Unfortunately the asset was considered important and compromising should the identity be revealed that he reported only to Nicolas of Damascus, who has gone into hiding and has not emerged. Not even Agrippa knew the identity, so the asset very well may have been killed by Herod. But the will of Herod specifies that his son Archileus gets all the territory around Jerusalem, his son Antipas gets the land around the Galilee, and his son Philip gets the Golan.
Tiberius: Well mother, speaking from my military expertise Philip is the best position, even if he controls a shit region.
Livia: WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN ABOUT THE FOOD YET?
Tiberius: With all due haste Domina (bows and leaves).
Caesar: Where is Salome in all this?
Germanicus: She's been bequeathed all the crops and products coming out of Yavneh.
Caesar: That's not inconsiderate. His opinion of her must have been larger toward the end.
Germanicus: She's considerately formidable. She personally marched down to Sheol to countermand an order by Herod for the guards to kill all the imprisoned nobles on his death.
Caesar: Wasn't there a rumor that Herod wanted to execute the entire Sanhedrin on the day he died so that people wouldn't celebrate his death?
Germanicus: We can't prove that Herod ordered it, but if he did, Salome may have been responsible for stopping that as well.
Gaius: So who should we support?
Germanicus: Archileaus is clearly the most gifted. He's been giving stump speeches all over Judea and Summaria about how he will countermand all Herod's unjust laws.
Lucius: Has he yet?
Caesar: Wonderful Lucius how you got to the point right away. (turns to wife) Don't you dare Livia....
Livia: (shrugs) I didn't say anything... (to Germanicus) Well has he?
Germanicus: No. But the people...
Caesar: No no no no... this is what I wanted Gaius to report on. Let him give it.
Gaius: The people chose a publius to represent them and make demands on Archilaeus.
Caesar: And they are?
Gaius: 1. The yearly income tax should be reduced. 2. Duties on public sales and purchases should be ended.
Lucius: Isn't that called a sales tax?
Caesar: Splendid Lucius, yes, but this is Gaius's presentation, do go on.
Gaius: 3. Liberation of all the prisoners, including non-politicals who may have been convicted for political reasons. 4. Imprisonment of all the Sanhedrin who voted the death sentence when Judeans destroyed our Eagles. 5. The Roman-chosen high priest Annaus be removed and the Sanhedrin appoint a new one.
Caesar: (applauds) Excellent Gaius! Excellent! (looks around to compel everyone else to applaud, they comply) Well we don't like #4 do we but you presented it so well!
(Tiberius returns with three boxes of focaccia topped with tomato sauce and melted romano)
Caesar: Here we are. Do any of these at least have sausage on it?
Tiberius: One's salami, one's prosciutto.
Caesar: I know everyone likes these fancy meats but just once I wish we would order a foccaccia with plain Roman sausage.
Tiberius: I surely will Mr. Princeps, the other one's just as Mater likes it: mushrooms, onions and artichoke.
Livia: Thank you filius.
Tiberius: Anything for you Domina.
Caesar: You see? He does care about you!
Tiberius: I certainly do, and I heard applause, I take it Gaius has given another wonderful presentation?
Caesar: (smiling) Your irony is noted but Gaius is learning very quickly. A fine Caesar he would make, and so would you Lucius!
Tiberius: This is going to end so we...
Livia: TIBERIUS!
(pause)
Caesar: Well obviously Archilaeus won't agree to these terms.
Germanicus: He did.
Caesar: He did? How?
Germanicus: He's also said that he can't do it unless he gets an imperial sanction from you.
Caesar: Oh, this one is gifted! We'll have to keep a watch on him.
Gaius: Is he well-favored towards us?
(Caesar lights up and smiles, then looks desperate, he looks at Livia and throws his hands up)
Livia: ...Now it's me who's proud Caesar (touches his arm).
Germanicus: That remains to be seen. What has been seen though is his methods. When he delayed acceeding the demands, the people of Jerusalem revolted.
Tiberius: As they always do.
Livia: (shakes head) I give up...
Germanicus: They rebelled during a very hot day so they stopped demonstrating and rioting around noon.
Caesar: I'm amazed that doesn't happen more often in the south, all that heat....
Germanicus: And he used that moment to order his soldiers to massacre the demonstrators. 3000 marchers dead.
Caesar: Well, there we have it, we have our new Herod.
Gaius: So we have to back one of his brothers?
Caesar: No my dear, we back him!
Gaius: I don't understand.
Caesar: If there's one thing my dealings with Herod taught me, it's that stability matters more than long term principles. This boy would win their war anyway. We'd either have to kill him, which makes him a martyr to one faction of Judea who'd then declare war on us, or we'd back him, and he'd murder the opposition that would declare war on us if he didn't murder them. Men like Herod disappointed me terribly, but he made our decisions fairly easy. Let's open the foccaccia now, did they provide plates?
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