Samuel: stump speech in Menashe
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I'm gonna trigger you right now. I know our generation loves to be offended, so I'm going to offend you deliberately.
(giant cheer, followed by reverent silence)
Right now, our generation, we are, the most weary generation in history, the most burthened generation in history. Our generation leads every statistic in shadow walks, sorrow, grief, vexation, heart-heaviness and self-cursing. We are the generation latest to marry. The demographics show that our birth rates are lower now than they even were when we were slaves! Worst of all, we are the generation least likely to bring sacrifices to temples.
(crowd boos)
Something is seriously wrong here. We have become a society devalues god, devalues traditional marriage and devalues raising children in a community that rejects the culture that surrounds us!
(crowd issues giant cheer)
We have to fight for our country! We have to fight for our civilization! We have to reject the moral relativism of Canaan and all their easy temptations. Our Eastern Civilization was built on doing things because they are hard: BECAUSE they delay gratification! We Jews don't do things because they feel good, we do them because there are more important things than feeling good.
(crowd gives standing ovation)
The dating scene is an utter disaster. Women now hate men, and because they do, men have learned to hate women!
Men, this is simple: if you spend all your time gaining weight from drinking strong drink, eating processed unkosher meat, going to Canaanite temples to listen to their music and ogle at their priestesses dancing like zombies, smoking opium and whoring with Canaanite harlots and bringing their diseases back into our tents. Women, do you find this deeply unattractive?
(loud high pitched cheer!)
If you're smoking opium, stop. If you're going to Canaanite temples to look at their pornography, stop. If you're drinking their ale, stop. If you want a life of comfort, you can keep listening to their music. But if you want to live a heroic life, you live a life of the Word of God.
(everyone cheers)
Men, women always tell us that one of the most unattractive things in the world is a man with no self-control. Women, is this true?
(high screams of Yes!)
Oh don't worry. Women we're gonna talk later, especially the daughters.
(comfortable laughter)
Men, if you are on a date and you women say 'what are you going to do with your life' and you say 'Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm gonna tend to a flock of sheep for the next twenty years. Naar! Uh-uh! Efes! Nebbish! Instead you should be saying "I'm studying Tashma to solve Kashya because I want to learn Teyuvta! I want to do this to make enough shekels to provide bread and basar for you and kids and I don't care how hard it gets, I'm going to be your Magen and your Shomer and I am going to be your Manhig!"
(explosive cheers)
And I will tell you, there are all kinds of people out there who will tell you that modern women are korvehs and shreklekh, and you should just use them for your own knowledge and khafetz. (a few boos) I'm telling you right now: no real Jew can ever believe that. Modern women have problems, but the living God made man in His image and fashioned women from men! There are no patriarchs without matriarchs!
I meet so many sad men who say "I'm done with women," but that's the goyish way! The Jewish way is to improve your own life to make yourself attractive to the woman you one day want to acquire!
(giant cheers)
Today's progressives want men to be women and women to be men, and they want men to get rid of their dominant energy and walk around as women's helpmeets. You know how to fight that? Go do something hard! (applause builds through this litany) Build your own sheep flock! Hunt your own deer! Plant your own grapes! Grow your own wheat! Stop eating those Canaanite desserts so you can go to Mount Hermon and hike through the Negev and lose all that weight that no woman finds attractive! Observe the fast days! God gives everybody on this dune their struggles, but He gave you these struggles so you could overcome them! You only have yourself to blame if you don't start the fight (cheers by here are stupendous, he now shouts over them) If you're a boy, you can stay away from that fight and just follow your Canaanite friends. But if you're a man, you reject that culture. It takes no skill, and no talent to do what feels good, that's what animals do. If you're a man, you say "I'm not gonna live a life of easy sin and sex and drugs", I'm gonna live a life of God and purpose and prosperity!
(waits for crowd to calm down)
Look at your forefathers who built this nation, who brought down the Walls of Jericho and conquered the warriors of Ai, who killed Eglon and defeated Midian with only 300 men! Who killed 600 Philistines with an oxgoad and brought down the Philistine Temple with their bare hands! These men built this country, and men of Israel, you have what it takes to make this country great again!
(the crowd reacts as though Tesla's electrical currents have zapped through them and they're all on their feet making more noise than they ever thought possible)
Alright, now time for die maydlach. (everybody goes OOOOOOHHHH!) Who's ready for me to tell some truths none of you want to hear? (everybody cheers again)
Men think women who sleep with more than three men are frumps! (more cheers) Some of you may have body counts that are five men, ten men, twenty men, don't tell your husbands, they don't want to know. You're beautiful to your husbands now, but if they find that out, you'll be a meeskeit. Men do not want to acquire women who have slept with whatever Canaanite shepherd gave them a stone god in the shape of a schmeckle (general laughter).
I see all these maydlach looking around right now. You were all kvelling when I was criticizing men, but now? You're looking around to see who sees you for what you've done. I see you, God sees you and your behavior is not impressive. (selective cheers)
A woman who walks in Hashem's ways does not go out looking for men she can bed. And she doesn't use those Egyptians contraceptives that let her fornicate without risk of pregnancy; remember what those contraceptives did to your foremothers in Eygpt? She waits for a husband to buy her and submits to his will just as he submits to God's! (high pitched cheers)
And some of you women here, you're saying to each other 'well MY marriage is egalitarian. We're equal partners!' Well if you've had your mind and your neshawma so polluted by Canaanite culture with all their female godesses and polygamy that you believe that and you call yourself a Jew, I'm gonna call bulldrek on you. In a Jewish marriage you submit to your husband. He said to Eve: "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he will rule over you." And your husband then has a huge responsibility to submit to God's rule and make sure you all live by the Torah: him, you, your children, your servants, even your livestock. (cheers)
Some women are going to hear this and say 'No, this is not my plan for me.' Whether or not it's your plan, it's God's plan. It may be new, but it's caught on, and it's caught on because it works. Has paganism ever worked out for you? Has it ever worked out for anyone? (shouts of NOOOO!) Going back and forth between multiple partners? Thinking that gender is fluid? Sharing wealth in communities of equals? (more shouts of NOOOO!) For thousands of years, men have wanted sex from women, and for thousands of years, women just gave it to them! Men had so many wives that they couldn't keep track of how women behaved, and when kids came, there was no way of even knowing who the father was!
Judaism evolved to say that there is a better way! (huge cheers that just get bigger) The Torah was written to show us a better way! ONE God, ONE husband, ONE wife, ONE owner, ONE boss!
(waits for crowd to calm down)
Because I know this, deep down, beneath the soldier woman facade and the unconcealed hair and the tattoos and the raiment that should only be worn by men, you are all desperate for a man to rule you (high pitched cheers), you're all yearning for a man to be the bread of your life, you're all begging for it, you want it so badly! (the high pitched cheers have gotten louder and louder)
(waits for a moment)
But you're afraid to say it. You're afraid to say it to your friends. I know you are, you know you are, you think your friends don't know, but they all know, because they want it too! Deep down, you want your Eliezer to come to the well and announce your Isaac! Why are you having so much sex? Because like all women, you want love and you're not getting it because you're too easy to have sex with!
(high pitched cheers)
Everything that modern feminism promised you all turned out a lie. Everything about feminism is toxic! You were told contraception and abortion would lead you to regret free sex, and you all have nothing but regret: the contraception didn't work, you gave birth to kids and had no idea who the father was and the abortions killed your friends along with your babies. You were told free love was a great idea, and now the guilt and loneliness is making you all seeing local priests who charge you two-hundred shekels an hour to write a prescription for cannabis that your husband could just grow himself. You wanted to get jobs, you wanted better jobs, you wanted to be paid more, and putting you in the job market drove down the income not just of your husbands but you too. You want to stop sexual violence but you all put yourself in more sexual situations now than you ever did. What do you expect from all this?
The answer is easy. Just have your father say no! Even if you want to marry the guy, say no and make him pay more for your acquisition. The more he pays for you, the more he understands that you're a prize and you're worth something, and he will think twice before he betrays something he had to work for so hard, and he will aim his life higher because he realizes that he needs to be worthy of something which costs so much!
(big cheer)
Be a woman. Don't go in for this pagan gender fluidity drek. Wear the long tunic. Wear the embroidered simlah. Go for the jewelry: the earrings, the bracelets, the anklets. Just between you and me ladies, you can dress as beautifully as you want and still be tzniustic and modest! A modest woman is more beautiful, not less!
(high pitched cheer)
But this is the most important point. So many women out there: angry, bitter, yentes and klaftes, frankly obnoxious. There are so many of you! And you wonder why you can't find husbands? So many of you say you're happier without a man, but how many of you would know because you've scared off every man you've ever talked to and if your default mode is to be mean to men, why are you surprised that they're mean to you?
(low pitched cheer)
So let me tell you the worst truth: if you're not married by 18, the chances of you having kids who make it to adulthood go down 10% every year you don't get married. Your priority may be some stupid business nobody cares about, but if you're planning on having kids, why aren't you married yet? If you can't meet anyone, go to temple! The are all kinds of men there praying for a wife! It's a community designed to be for families with children!
(low pitched cheer)
Canaanites teach us to denigrate womanly work, but the work women do is so beyond our abilities! You think we have all the power? You are the ones who give life! You are the ones who keep the house in order! You're the ones who cook! You are the ones who show kinder how to be grownups and maydlach how to give a home to their own children!
(high pitched cheer)
All sorts of women come up to me and say 'Shmueleh, I'm the CEO of a schmatteh business.' Who cares? I want to hear from the women who gave birth to seven children! She's the one who makes the Jewish people flourish! She's the one whose legacy goes on for generations!
(enormous cheers)
Women, you are so good at socially shaming your friends. Men will tell you it's a weakness. Other women will tell you it's a weakness. Don't listen to them, it's one of your best qualities! Whenever your friend talks about going out with a Canaanite man, look down on her, make her feel ashamed. (cheers get larger from here on out) Whenever she talks about eating Canaanite food, drinking Canaanite drinks, listening to Canaanite music, whenever she even talks about Canaanite festivals, let her know that she is beneath you! She is not truly your friend again until she repents!
(crowd goes meshuggeh)
You guys have been wonderful, menschen, all of you. But if I could leave and tell you all a few things to remember:
1. Women. STOP BLAMING MEN! (everyone cheers but the men louder) Men are not oppressing you! Men are not denigrating you! The world of men and the world of women are completely different worlds, and the more you go out with men, the less happy you'll be, the more miscommunications you'll have and the more you'll find yourself in uncomfortable situations. You belong with other women! You'll be happier with other women! Do your chores together! Cook together! Wash the laundry together. Sing together! Laugh together! Eat together! Help each other raise children! (huge cheer)
2. People with Canaanite friends, people who think it's progress to bring their ideas to our kitchen tables. You're getting a lot of bad ideas from them we have to throw out, but here's the most important one. STOP EXCLUDING BIOLOGY FROM GENDER! (explosive cheers) You go to any pagan festival and you'll see mentschen dressing like froyen, froyen dressing like mentschen, and priests whom you can't tell are one or the other. This is even more dangerous than when they dress like animals or go around nude. How does any culture talk about sex and the rights of women while thinking that the gender is only something we're socialized to think exists?
3. STOP GOING TO THE PAGAN TEMPLES! Look at them! You go there, you pay through the nose to get a supposed education and all you learn is how our world misunderstands gender and community and marriage and monogamy--and we're supposed to believe that these institutions aren't anti-Israel? (everybody boos). These obscene hypocrites preach the virtues of sharing and egalitarianism, and while they're taking all your money they raise the price of education every year so that students get more services they don't need, and push our Jewish students into debt and lifelong servitude! They weren't there for us when we were slaves, and they mean to put us back into slavery now! (everybody boos again)
4. And lastly, I'm gonna shock you all, really shock you. This is what's going to trigger this crowd. So be mukhan.
(pause)
It's time we started drinking real wine. (crowd is absolutely quiet) On Shabbos, on Pesach, on Rosh Hashana, on Sukkot, on Shavuot, we should be drinking. We should even have a holiday where the whole point is to get drunk. (one or two boos).
I have a mother, I love her and she is my hero. She has fought alcoholism her whole life, and it's the hardest thing I've ever seen anyone do. But she would have never become an alcoholic if she'd learned to drink among us instead of picking it up from the goyim who never stop drinking! If Jewish kids who don't learn to hold their liquor go out into the goyisher world, and there they don't just pick up alcohol, they pick up drugs! We never learn from our parents to do the one thing every goy wants their children to do: learn how to drink at a meal where everybody behaves like civiliserte mentschen, where they learn how to talk to beautiful women with respect, where they learn how to debate ideas with derekh eretz....
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We have enough renunciation in this religion, but we need to .
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