Shabbos in Hebron: 2510
5 year old sings: Hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. We give thanks to God for bread. Our voices rise in song together. As our joyful prayer is said. Baruch atah adonai, eloheinu melech ha'olam, hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. Amen.
The whole table claps for him.
"Yair that was wonderful!" "Amazing." "So cute." "The most amazing thing!" "You should do it for Yehoshua himself." "He'd probably kill him too." "Ohad!" "What? That's where we are now." "Yehoshua is not a rotzeach!" "Murder doesn't mean anything if Yehoshua is not a murderer." "We're Jews! He kills THEM, not us." "So you admit he kills others." "They would kill us if he didn't kill them." "They're gonna kill us BECAUSE we kill them." "It's self-defense. Do you really think the Canaanites would do better to us?" "They don't do better because we started this!" "We didn't start kloom!" "We come to them and first we commit genocide on two separate cities." "WE DIDN'T COMMIT GENOCIDE!" "We killed them all!" "They were going to kill us!" "They have a right to, this is their land, not ours." "OK, so we should just lay down and die so they can have their land?" "No, we should negotiate with them!" "How can you negotiate with terrorists?" "They're not terrorists, they're defending their land." "How can you say that?" "What? We were gone for hundreds of years and still we have a claim to it?" "Shamgar!" "We eject them from Yericho, we eject them from Chevron, and you think they don't have a claim." "Well if you think they should be here instead of us, what are you doing here?" "You're the one who invited me." "You think they want peace? I saw them at Ai! I saw them at Gibeon! These are killers." "Most of them want peace." "Most of them? Where are they?" "Have you ever talked to them?" "Of course! I talk to them every day." "Do they seem like killers to you?" "No, but they fought at Ai and Gibeon too." "So don't you think they think differently now that we're here?" "No!" "Why not?" "Well I don't feel differently about them now that we're here." "So you admit you're a racist!" "How can you say that!" "Abdon when did you start sounding like an antisemite?" "What's an antisemite?" "Just eat your food Yair." "I'm not an antisemite, I just got an education." "You see? Academia's full of propaganda!" "Come on Tola, his heart is in the right place." "What right place? He's a traitor to his people." "Ibzan!" "So you want to put him to death?" "He wants us to die. Put him in Hazor, see if he lasts five minutes." "He doesn't want us to die." "YOU're the one who wants us to die!" "Ben-Zona..." "Oy vavoy." "Shamgar can we please talk about something else?" "What is there else? This is our matzav! You either understand it or you don't." "I understand it! Scratch the surface of a Canaanite and you'll find a bloodthirst...." "These are our neighbors you're talking about!" "Nakhon, and our neighbors want to kill us." "We didn't want this war Ohad!" "B'vadai! Of course we did!" "We want to live in peace!" "I don't want to live in peace." "You see?" "They want to kill me? I want to kill them!" "But we invaded their land!" "This is OUR land!" "That's what the propaganda tells you." "You're the one who's full of propaganda!"
Pesach:
"This humus is fantastic." "It goes so well with the matzoh!" "Some Jews think we shouldn't eat chickpeas on Pesach." "Why?" "Because they're meshuggah!" "B'chol tzorah, what I was saying Elazar before I was interrupted is that we entered the alliance with the Gibeonites because they said they weren't Amorites, but they tricked us." "So we had to make slaves out of them?" "Sheket Korach!" "We didn't have to lynch their kings on trees!" "They settled in our land!" "Land we stole from them!" "Land we bought from them! And then we let them live on it." "We only let them live if they become slaves!" "Tov, so they shouldn't have lived there." "They had to live there! It was the only way to see if we were going to attack them." "Oh, so it's b'seder for them to build settlements in our land but not for us to build settlements in what you claim is theirs?" "We DID attack them!" "We attacked them because they built settlements!" "We were the original settlers, they just did what we did!" "What did we do? This is our land and we're living on it!" "It's their land too!" "Why even say that Korach, it's only their land!" "It's only OUR land." "It's our land and if we don't defend it they'll kill us!" "Even if they didn't kill us it's only our land. Hashem promised it to us and we have the right to have all of it!" "So you think we should just kill everybody?" "Why not?" "And you don't think somebody's going to kill us for the same self-defense?" "Who wants shakshukah?"
Shavuot:
"Pass the burekahs." "I look forward to this all year. Don't you Yair?" "They go into our settlements and they just pick us off, one by one." "They do it because we do it to them!" "Oh for Hashem's sake we're trying to eat here." "We have to, it's the only language they understand!" "It's the reason they do it to us!" "They would do it anyway, and more!" "Pass the blintzes..."
Sukkot 2511:
"Israel would not be able to do what it does without Hashem's help." "We built this country. Not Hashem." "Yahweh stopped the sun and the moon in the middle of a battle!" "It was a solar eclipse! Lo?" "Nu? A solar eclipse just happens in the middle of a battle?" "Why not?" "He made hailstones fall!" "Kach? I was there, I slipped on the hailstones. I have a bad back now." "This was a miracle!" "Don't be a freyer. Hashem doesn't care what we do." "Hashem wouldn't like what we do in his name." "HE LITERALLY TOLD US TO ANNIHILATE THEM!" "That's what Yehoshua said Hashem said." "A coalition of armies from all over the Middle East invade us, and you think Hashem is ashamed of us defending ourselves?" "He said not to kill." "He said to kill in this case." "What case? He said this is our land and to take it!" "The prophets told us this is our land, not Hashem." "Lachen you think you talk to Hashem better than the prophets?" "I know Hashem doesn't want us to do a preemptive strike on them." "They were literally sending every army in the Middle East to kill us!" "Who wants sheva minim salad?" "I fucking hate sheva minim salad."
Tisha B'Av 2516:
"Joshua's dead." "The founding generation's gone." "They don't make'em like him anymore." "What's gonna happen now?"
Simchat Torah:
"Why should we have a Prime Minister after Joshua? Who's gonna go up with us first against the Canaanites, to fight against them? You really think it's gonna be that alter cocker moog-lev Caleb?" "Shut up and dance!"
Purim 2518:
"Can you believe the international community? Crying over 10,000 Canaanites and Perrizites? Where were you all when we were in Egypt?" "No total in the history of modern warfare's ever been this low for operations like this!" "And crying over us chopping off Adonibezek's big toes and thumbs? You should see what he did to our people!" "He still has eight fingers! " "Speaking of which, some people might find your Pharaoh costume bad taste." "It's not Ramses it's Khufu!"
5th of Iyar 2519:
"Today is a catastrophe!" "What?" "It's a fucking cataclysm!" "What?" "Everything!" "What happened." "We overran Jerusalem, Gaza, Ashkelon, Zeptha, Horma, Luz." "So?" "We're expelling them!" "We're supposed to live with these animals?" "We've turned into Pharaohs! It's a planned cleansing." "How dare you let your son talk like that!" "What?" "How do you explain how Israelites and Canaanites live in Gezer together in perfect harmony?" "You call that harmony? They're living together at the edge of a bow and arrow! Soon they'll be part of this land cleansing too!" "If it were a land cleansing why are there still Canaanites in Beit-Sha'an, Ibleam, Meggido, Kitron, Nachla'ot, Tzidon, Akhlav, Aphik, Rehovot, Beit-Shemesh, Beyt-Anat." "Did you memorize an IPAC pamphlet?" "Yes!" "Those people are half the reason Canaan hates Jews!" "There wouldn't be Jews without them!" "They don't have the right to speak for us all." "They DO speak for us all." "No, of course they don't, and if you don't support them you're always considered anti-Israel." "Kach, what's wrong with that? All they do is teach advocacy." "They've interfered in seven different King elections around Canaan just this year!" "It's not interfering!" "Yes it is!" "We have every right to give money to royal candidates we like!" "It's wrong! It's not our elections." "Of course it's our elections! We live in those territories too!" "So you admit we live on their land!" "They live on our land!" "Nu? Do we do anything different than what they do?" "The other side doesn't have the money to give to other candidates." "Oh, so we're just the tribe that's good with money, is that it?" "Is it our fault we have so much money?" "The other side has all the pagan temples, all the priests preach anti-Israel propaganda!" "We care more than they do." "Our values are better." "If we keep doing this it's gonna make them care more." "How can they care more than they already do?" "It's still a planned cleansing! Israelite leadership wants this land entirely for themselves." "When did you become such a Jew-hater?"
Shabbat Rosh Hodesh 2622:
"I cannot believe the international community." "This was the bravest operation anybody's ever seen!" "Is anybody actually mourning Eglon?" "They're saying Ehud was in violation of international law." "It's just like them. Israel does their dirty work and instead of thanking us they criticize us!"
Shabbat Parah Kiddish 2702:
"Yael isn't even Jewish!" "She's clearly our only friend." "See? There are righteous gentiles out there." "And still everybody blames us." "They're right to blame us!" "What?" "Sisra gets a nail to the head while he's fleeing and sleeping? What kind of barbarian leadership lets people do that?" "You ungrateful ben-zona!" "I gotta hand it to Dvorah, she's the only real man from the Judges we've ever had." "Not a great singer though."
Rosh Hashana 2749:
"Can you believe this memoir from Gideon?" "Our biggest war hero is a turncoat." "He disputes God and he doubts the official explanations, it's a hasbarah disaster!" "Well at least he turned down being our king." "Well now we know why." "Gideon is still a hero!" "I guess? He certainly WAS a hero." "The book said he had all the same doubts when he was doing it, and he did it anyway!" "But now he's disputing the official record and saying that maybe soldiers shouldn't immediately follow orders." "If our greatest general says we shouldn't follow orders, we should listen to him," "You want order to break down? The Israeli army is bigger than any one general." "It wasn't the Israeli army, it was 300 people!" "300 soldiers! Against an army of 135,000!" "God made us win." "Israel made us win!" "So why did Gideon say we shouldn't have done it?" "Maybe he wouldn't be king because knows Israel isn't worth the trouble." "If you feel that way go live in Egypt." "Don't mind him he's an Ephramite." "Gideon was always that zakhukh, but when it was time to take everybody's earings he didn't hesitate did he?" "SSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Shabbat Shirah 2771:
"You left the sanctuary too huh?" "I can't stand the singing this week." "Did you hear this speech from Yotam?" "I don't know what the l'azazel he was on about." "Something about a fig." "No but didn't you hear he called for fire blazing Avimelech." "Oh god he's gonna get us all killed."
Tu B'Shevat 2828:
"Jeptha is a criminal!" "He wasn't convicted!" "Nakhon, because the elders put a stop to the trial right before conviction!" "He was a literal thief, a professional stick-up artist!" "Nu? That's the sort of soldier you want! You don't want some Ephremite liberal who lets them live, you want someone who knows what it is to get into the dirt with them!" "He's a ben-zona." "Why do liberals hate him so much?" "No, he's a literal ben-zona, he's the son of a whore!" "See? You Ephremite elites hate people who aren't you!" "No! I hate people who annihilate twenty cities!" "You just hate him because he calls out what tzavuahs guys like you are." "You're no better than he is!" "You hate all guys like him and me. Scratch the surface of an Ephremite you just find a liberal snob."
Pesach 1st night 2906:
"Samson was captured. This is the most colossal intelligence failure in Israeli history!"
Pesach last night:
"Samson apparently brought down the entire structure where the Philistine by moving the bricks with his bare hands." "Nu? So he's a suicide mover?"
No comments:
Post a Comment